Friday, June 23, 2006

Say it Ain't so Norm

People magazine named the old dude from American Idol the country's hottest bachelor. The take away message? Chicks dig average-looking gray haired guys with bowl cuts. The saddest part of all? I so want to be this guy.
("I'll take the mixing bowl, with #3 on the sides")

Believe it or not, Saddam Hussein is no Gandhi. In response to the murder of one of his defense attorneys, Hussein declared that he would go on a hunger strike in his US-run prison. However, Hussein's grumbling tummy caused the war criminal to cut his hunger strike short after missing only one meal. This reminds me of the time I tried to go on a diet, but promptly fell off the wagon after watching a Honeycomb cereal commercial. That creepy animal thing is quite the temptress.
(If those aren't the frenzied eyes of a man that "need honeycomb" I don't know what is.)

The smallest, oldest, most Asian, and nicest man in the Bush Administration announced his resignation today. Norman Mineta will retire as Secretary of Transportation in a few weeks. When asked what Mineta will do after his retirement, he stated that he would like to take a nap and watch the Price is Right. Really, the guy is 90, he deserves a breather. In keeping with Bush Administration policy, Mineta will be replaced by someone who is an opponent of transportation. One possible candidate is Jebediah Simmons, an Amish man who doesn't believe in roads...or cars...or zippers. I would post a picture of Simmons, but he apparently doesn't believe in cameras either.

Adam Sandler's new movie "Click" comes out today. Sandler's character in the film gets a TV remote that can control real-life. Even as a former Sandleraficianado (I sadly admit that I'm one of the ten million douchebags who can recite Billy Madison), I can safely say that I would never pay to see this movie. A TV remote that controls real-life? It sounds like the plot of bad a Family Matters episode. Sandler needs to go back to what he does best, making excellent films like Spanglish.

(Even the awkward Jerry curled member of the Winslow family doesn't know why on earth you would ever see Click)

Friday, May 26, 2006

Pervert too short for jail?

This story is so absurd I had to share it. The creep pictured below was sentenced to ten years of probation for child molestation because a Nebraska judge said he was too short to survive in prison.

Granted, this little guy might be a pervert, but it doesn't feel right sending a munchkin to the slammer. God forbid he get abused by someone bigger and more powerful than him like he did to the helpless child he was convicted of assaulting. He's just a little tyke, I'm sure most Americans agree with me when I say that I am glad the judge cut him some slack.

In related news, GNC manager Sanjay Hernandez (pictured below) claims that R&B sensation and pervert R. Kelly visited his store and asked for "powders to shrink my ass down."

(Hernandez: didn't have shrinking powder, but was able to sell R. Kelly some horny goatweed)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Clips o' the week

By now you've (my 3 readers) probably heard about Barbaro, the favorite to win the Triple Crown, and the leg it broke during last week's Preakness horse race. I admit I know nothing about horse racing and I could care less about about a bunch of rich Southerners in linen suits betting thousands of dollars and talking about how the Emancipation Proclamation was hogwash. Honestly, I would rather watch NASCAR than see unitard-wearing midgets spank their horses with whips. But even if you do enjoy that kind of stuff, the amount of coverage this horse has gotten is sickening. It was Monday's top story and the coverage has continued through today. In fact, the Associated Press has started a Barbaro blog chronicling its surgery and recovery.

Let's be honest, the only reason the owners care about this beast is because if it makes babies, it can make them millions. Even so, loyal fans have created a giant get well card for the HORSE where a fan, "told Barbaro that we're praying for a full recovery." Oh and by the way this same fan signed the get well card from her husband and their horse. (Some day I will create a law forbidding pet owners to sign greeting cards on behalf of their animals). It's a sad time when dozens of young Americans have been injured and killed in Iraq this week, yet I can't name one of them. But, thanks to media coverage priorities I know the name of a horse's surgeon. It's a horse people. I guess what happened is sad if you're a horse person (minotaur), but the story has run its course and it's time to shut the hell up about it.

An old dude won the hearts of 63 million idiots dumb enough to pay to vote for a contestant on a tv show last night. Taylor Hicks, who is actually only 29 years old, became this year's American Idol and will join the ranks of that Ruben guy, Fantasmic, and Kelly somewhat talented Clarkson. As much as I hate the show, I give this old guy some credit because I read that he sang a Springsteen song on one of the shows. I guess it takes a guy with grey hair to bring some quality to the most overrated show on TV.

(Really pal, it worked for Tom Cruise in Collateral, but you're no Thomas Jackson Cruise. Check out these many colors you can choose from that are available at your local drugstore.)

In other news....

Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty by a Houston jury this afternoon. Kenneth Lay's statement in response to being found guilty of defrauding thousands of hard-working people..."Did I do thaat?"

The Senate will most likely pass their version of the immigration bill sometime today without the support of a majority of Republicans. The first question most immigrants ask when arriving in the US? "Got any cheeese?"

Friday, May 12, 2006

Raise it

(Pictured: Me at prom 2000)

Actually, that is not a picture of me. I would kill to look that good in a shimmery red vest. But this picture reminds me of an important topic that I would like to raise to the three readers of this blog. Raising the roof is still cool. The following are some roof-raising stories stripped from the headlines:

The US Senate failed to pass S. 1955 yesterday. The bill would have threatened state mandated coverage for mammograms and other cancer screening services among other life saving benefits. This was a huge victory for people who are anti-cancer (aka anyone with a soul). I think this story deserves a two-handed raise and perhaps an Arsenio Hall woop.

Alec Baldwin is raising the roof at Kim Bassinger's dismay this week. Over his ex-wife's objections, a Los Angeles court on Thursday granted Baldwin three extra visitation days with daughter Ireland to make up for a weekend earlier this year when the 10-year-old had strep throat and couldn't make the trip to New York, where her dad lives. On a sidenote, why on earth am I pulling stories from E Online? And which Baldwin is Alec? Is the the one with a career, or the one on Celebrity Fat Club? I can never keep those losers straight. I think William Baldwin is my fav, because Backdraft kicked ass in the early 90s and the ride at Universal Studios is pretty boss too.

(Billy Baldwin: total dreamboat, or dreamboat extraordinaire? You decide)

I am also raising the roof because I lost three pounds. How you ask? No, I didn't partake in the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet (aka laxitives in juice form). I just looked at this picture and threw up my breakfast. Want to shed those pesky pounds? I suggest you check out the picture of Manuel Uribe, the fattest man alive.

Health nuts can also raise the roof because Wal-Mart is seeking to carry more organic products. I am not sure how I feel about an apple getting more humane treatment than the employers who stock them...but how can I criticize a company with such a happy logo? Hooray for locking employees in stores over night and watch out for falling prices!

(Pictured: 87 year old Wal Mart greeter Lois Stanley. Stanley tragically perished in a freak falling price accident in 1998)

Have a great weeekend, and don't forget to give to my Relay team.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Do I need to point out that this guy definitely had his fingers crossed during this picture? Maybe the peace sign in Iran also means nuclear holocaust. Either way, I'm scared. I've decided that if Iran went to your high school it would have been that kid who wore a trenchcoat in 90 degree weather, had a greasy ponytail, and drew pictures of guns during class. No one, including the teachers, wanted to deal with that freak because they were convinced he would blow up the place. The jocks would talk about beating him up, but would never touch him because they were convinced he would do something crazy like bite their face off. Yep, Iran is sooo that kid.

The NCAA has forced Illinois, North Dakota and Indiana University of Pennsylvania to stop using Indian nicknames, mascots and imagery deemed "hostile" and "abusive" at NCAA championship events. Unfortunately, the NCAA has chosen to allow Notre Dame to continue their use of fighting Mickey McDrinkandfightalot the Spud-eater as their school mascot.

(Rosie may not be retarded, but she has played one on TV, seriously)

Rosie O'Donnell is headed over to the classy talk show The View. O'Donnell is a "fat 43-year-old menopausal ex-talk show host," according to her somewhat-inaccurate blog bio. (She's actually 44.) She is better known as a stand-up comic turned character actress (Sleepless in Seattle, A League of Their Own) turned daytime TV queen. She's also known as totally hott!! If she was into dudes, I would be all over that cutie patootie. Okay, I just made a reference to her old talk show and I'm probably the only person who picked up on it...has anyone seen my manhood?

(Bin Laden: all he needs in one mic)

Lastly in old news, Bin Laden has released another hit from his Mixtape of Terror. In this bomb track, B-Laden spoke about busting caps in Americans and getting all the V-cards in heaven. I think he also talked about infidels too. I can't wait for the compilation of "NOW that's what I call Terror" due out to your local Sam Goody next month. I hear there may be a slow jam collabo with R. Kelly in the works...stay tuned!

Guess Who's Back?

No, unfortunately Jerry Orbach is still dead...but Pick is back.

(Pictured: Orbach in his younger, sexier years)

I admit it, I completely fell off the PicksPost bandwagon. But, I feel that I have a legitimate excuse and it rhymes with schmonerria. Don't fear loyal reader(s) the doctor says I'm in good enough health to return to my hobby of posting things on this website that nobody cares about and have little humor.

Many things have happened since Yanni was cleared of charges in a Florida courtroom and I will do my best to summarize them for you.

1) I started wearing a new deodorant- Degree's "Ionic Breeze" scent was becoming a bit played out. Plus, I am pretty sure Ionic Breezes give you cancer (seriously, doesn't it sound a bit Chernobyl-ish?)

2) Deal or no Deal has become NBC's number one rated show- This means that I can no longer post about it to be ironic.

3) I got a bad haircut at the Hair Cuttery- word to the wise, don't trust a business that displays bowl cuts in its windows to entice potential customers.

4) Finally, George Bush is the decider- I am way too late to jump in on this one, but I felt the need to make sure that my readership is aware that the most powerful man in the world is indeed "the decider."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Yanni: Innocent, but still a creep

Legendary keyboardist and new age loser Yanni has been cleared of domestic abuse charges. His girlfriend, Silvia Barthes, 33, told police Yanni grabbed her and shook her, then threw her on a bed and jumped on her, according to a police report. Barthes had a bloody lip, but told officers she thought she might have hit herself when Yanni shook her (spoken like a true wife-beatee).

Yanni had this to say in response to the claims (my issues with the statement are in bold):

"The allegations claimed were always false and completely without any merit. Unfortunately, celebrities are often seen as easy targets and are very vulnerable to these kinds of baseless allegations and false demands for money. I want to thank my family, friends, fans and everyone who have supported me through this very difficult and painful time. I love the Florida community in which I live and will continue to have faith in our justice system."

1) You're not a celebrity Yanni. You might chill out my neighbor who makes her own clothes out of hemp, but you're still a mustachioed nobody.

2) I think it would have been more fitting if Yanni replaced the word "fans" with "new age blowhards who get chubs from Casio keyboards and ponytails."

3) I'm sorry Yanni, but this case has reaffirmed my disillusion with the justice system. How on earth can we let a man with a mustache that offensive go free?

(All those years of tickling the plastic ivories sure have aged the synthesizer king)

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ohhh Drahma

I guess there are some family disputes more exciting than requesting emancipation from your parents (Aaron Carter is still a badass). R. Kelly's brother, Carey Kelly, is claiming that R. Kelly tried to bribe him into taking the rap for the infamous sex tape. But Carey Kelly, like any good brother is speaking digital clarity! Yes, the brother released a DVD with a variety of accusations against his brother including accusing him of being bisexual, a wife beater, a child molester, and a Kenny Loggins fan.

(Sweet belt buckle, perv)

Naturally, I have a couple comments on this story. 1) Is this DVD available on Because I really need it, and 2)Thank god I look nothing like my siblings (way more attractive) because Lord knows I wouldn't agree to taking the rap for my brother's infamous Star Wars tape.

My favorite quote from the story:

"I got a call about a year and a half ago," Carey claims on the DVD, produced by Drahma Magazine. "My brother wanted me to do some s--t pertaining to this case that would leave me behind bars with a record deal. It doesn't make sense, so I turned it down."

Drahma Magazine! How do I become a subscriber?! (warning: when you click on the link, the site blasts some phat rap tunes)