Pick's Post

Say it Ain't so Norm

2006-06-23T10:44:00.000-04:00

People magazine named the old dude from American Idol the country's hottest bachelor. The take away message? Chicks dig average-looking gray haired guys with bowl cuts. The saddest part of all? I so want to be this guy.
("I'll take the mixing bowl, with #3 on the sides")

Believe it or not, Saddam Hussein is no Gandhi. In response to the murder of one of his defense attorneys, Hussein declared that he would go on a hunger strike in his US-run prison. However, Hussein's grumbling tummy caused the war criminal to cut his hunger strike short after missing only one meal. This reminds me of the time I tried to go on a diet, but promptly fell off the wagon after watching a Honeycomb cereal commercial. That creepy animal thing is quite the temptress.
(If those aren't the frenzied eyes of a man that "need honeycomb" I don't know what is.)

The smallest, oldest, most Asian, and nicest man in the Bush Administration announced his resignation today. Norman Mineta will retire as Secretary of Transportation in a few weeks. When asked what Mineta will do after his retirement, he stated that he would like to take a nap and watch the Price is Right. Really, the guy is 90, he deserves a breather. In keeping with Bush Administration policy, Mineta will be replaced by someone who is an opponent of transportation. One possible candidate is Jebediah Simmons, an Amish man who doesn't believe in roads...or cars...or zippers. I would post a picture of Simmons, but he apparently doesn't believe in cameras either.

Adam Sandler's new movie "Click" comes out today. Sandler's character in the film gets a TV remote that can control real-life. Even as a former Sandleraficianado (I sadly admit that I'm one of the ten million douchebags who can recite Billy Madison), I can safely say that I would never pay to see this movie. A TV remote that controls real-life? It sounds like the plot of bad a Family Matters episode. Sandler needs to go back to what he does best, making excellent films like Spanglish.

(Even the awkward Jerry curled member of the Winslow family doesn't know why on earth you would ever see Click)

Pervert too short for jail?

2006-05-26T10:14:00.000-04:00

This story is so absurd I had to share it. The creep pictured below was sentenced to ten years of probation for child molestation because a Nebraska judge said he was too short to survive in prison.

Granted, this little guy might be a pervert, but it doesn't feel right sending a munchkin to the slammer. God forbid he get abused by someone bigger and more powerful than him like he did to the helpless child he was convicted of assaulting. He's just a little tyke, I'm sure most Americans agree with me when I say that I am glad the judge cut him some slack.

In related news, GNC manager Sanjay Hernandez (pictured below) claims that R&B sensation and pervert R. Kelly visited his store and asked for "powders to shrink my ass down."

(Hernandez: didn't have shrinking powder, but was able to sell R. Kelly some horny goatweed)

Clips o' the week

2006-05-25T13:31:00.000-04:00

By now you've (my 3 readers) probably heard about Barbaro, the favorite to win the Triple Crown, and the leg it broke during last week's Preakness horse race. I admit I know nothing about horse racing and I could care less about about a bunch of rich Southerners in linen suits betting thousands of dollars and talking about how the Emancipation Proclamation was hogwash. Honestly, I would rather watch NASCAR than see unitard-wearing midgets spank their horses with whips. But even if you do enjoy that kind of stuff, the amount of coverage this horse has gotten is sickening. It was Monday's top story and the coverage has continued through today. In fact, the Associated Press has started a Barbaro blog chronicling its surgery and recovery.

Let's be honest, the only reason the owners care about this beast is because if it makes babies, it can make them millions. Even so, loyal fans have created a giant get well card for the HORSE where a fan, "told Barbaro that we're praying for a full recovery." Oh and by the way this same fan signed the get well card from her husband and their horse. (Some day I will create a law forbidding pet owners to sign greeting cards on behalf of their animals). It's a sad time when dozens of young Americans have been injured and killed in Iraq this week, yet I can't name one of them. But, thanks to media coverage priorities I know the name of a horse's surgeon. It's a horse people. I guess what happened is sad if you're a horse person (minotaur), but the story has run its course and it's time to shut the hell up about it.

An old dude won the hearts of 63 million idiots dumb enough to pay to vote for a contestant on a tv show last night. Taylor Hicks, who is actually only 29 years old, became this year's American Idol and will join the ranks of that Ruben guy, Fantasmic, and Kelly somewhat talented Clarkson. As much as I hate the show, I give this old guy some credit because I read that he sang a Springsteen song on one of the shows. I guess it takes a guy with grey hair to bring some quality to the most overrated show on TV.

(Really pal, it worked for Tom Cruise in Collateral, but you're no Thomas Jackson Cruise. Check out these many colors you can choose from that are available at your local drugstore.)

In other news....

Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty by a Houston jury this afternoon. Kenneth Lay's statement in response to being found guilty of defrauding thousands of hard-working people..."Did I do thaat?"

The Senate will most likely pass their version of the immigration bill sometime today without the support of a majority of Republicans. The first question most immigrants ask when arriving in the US? "Got any cheeese?"

Raise it

2006-05-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

(Pictured: Me at prom 2000)

Actually, that is not a picture of me. I would kill to look that good in a shimmery red vest. But this picture reminds me of an important topic that I would like to raise to the three readers of this blog. Raising the roof is still cool. The following are some roof-raising stories stripped from the headlines:

The US Senate failed to pass S. 1955 yesterday. The bill would have threatened state mandated coverage for mammograms and other cancer screening services among other life saving benefits. This was a huge victory for people who are anti-cancer (aka anyone with a soul). I think this story deserves a two-handed raise and perhaps an Arsenio Hall woop.

Alec Baldwin is raising the roof at Kim Bassinger's dismay this week. Over his ex-wife's objections, a Los Angeles court on Thursday granted Baldwin three extra visitation days with daughter Ireland to make up for a weekend earlier this year when the 10-year-old had strep throat and couldn't make the trip to New York, where her dad lives. On a sidenote, why on earth am I pulling stories from E Online? And which Baldwin is Alec? Is the the one with a career, or the one on Celebrity Fat Club? I can never keep those losers straight. I think William Baldwin is my fav, because Backdraft kicked ass in the early 90s and the ride at Universal Studios is pretty boss too.

(Billy Baldwin: total dreamboat, or dreamboat extraordinaire? You decide)

I am also raising the roof because I lost three pounds. How you ask? No, I didn't partake in the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet (aka laxitives in juice form). I just looked at this picture and threw up my breakfast. Want to shed those pesky pounds? I suggest you check out the picture of Manuel Uribe, the fattest man alive.

Health nuts can also raise the roof because Wal-Mart is seeking to carry more organic products. I am not sure how I feel about an apple getting more humane treatment than the employers who stock them...but how can I criticize a company with such a happy logo? Hooray for locking employees in stores over night and watch out for falling prices!

(Pictured: 87 year old Wal Mart greeter Lois Stanley. Stanley tragically perished in a freak falling price accident in 1998)

Have a great weeekend, and don't forget to give to my Relay team.

2006-04-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

Do I need to point out that this guy definitely had his fingers crossed during this picture? Maybe the peace sign in Iran also means nuclear holocaust. Either way, I'm scared. I've decided that if Iran went to your high school it would have been that kid who wore a trenchcoat in 90 degree weather, had a greasy ponytail, and drew pictures of guns during class. No one, including the teachers, wanted to deal with that freak because they were convinced he would blow up the place. The jocks would talk about beating him up, but would never touch him because they were convinced he would do something crazy like bite their face off. Yep, Iran is sooo that kid.

The NCAA has forced Illinois, North Dakota and Indiana University of Pennsylvania to stop using Indian nicknames, mascots and imagery deemed "hostile" and "abusive" at NCAA championship events. Unfortunately, the NCAA has chosen to allow Notre Dame to continue their use of fighting Mickey McDrinkandfightalot the Spud-eater as their school mascot.

(Rosie may not be retarded, but she has played one on TV, seriously)

Rosie O'Donnell is headed over to the classy talk show The View. O'Donnell is a "fat 43-year-old menopausal ex-talk show host," according to her somewhat-inaccurate blog bio. (She's actually 44.) She is better known as a stand-up comic turned character actress (Sleepless in Seattle, A League of Their Own) turned daytime TV queen. She's also known as totally hott!! If she was into dudes, I would be all over that cutie patootie. Okay, I just made a reference to her old talk show and I'm probably the only person who picked up on it...has anyone seen my manhood?

(Bin Laden: all he needs in one mic)

Lastly in old news, Bin Laden has released another hit from his Mixtape of Terror. In this bomb track, B-Laden spoke about busting caps in Americans and getting all the V-cards in heaven. I think he also talked about infidels too. I can't wait for the compilation of "NOW that's what I call Terror" due out to your local Sam Goody next month. I hear there may be a slow jam collabo with R. Kelly in the works...stay tuned!

Guess Who's Back?

2006-04-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

No, unfortunately Jerry Orbach is still dead...but Pick is back.

(Pictured: Orbach in his younger, sexier years)

I admit it, I completely fell off the PicksPost bandwagon. But, I feel that I have a legitimate excuse and it rhymes with schmonerria. Don't fear loyal reader(s) the doctor says I'm in good enough health to return to my hobby of posting things on this website that nobody cares about and have little humor.

Many things have happened since Yanni was cleared of charges in a Florida courtroom and I will do my best to summarize them for you.

1) I started wearing a new deodorant- Degree's "Ionic Breeze" scent was becoming a bit played out. Plus, I am pretty sure Ionic Breezes give you cancer (seriously, doesn't it sound a bit Chernobyl-ish?)

2) Deal or no Deal has become NBC's number one rated show- This means that I can no longer post about it to be ironic.

3) I got a bad haircut at the Hair Cuttery- word to the wise, don't trust a business that displays bowl cuts in its windows to entice potential customers.

4) Finally, George Bush is the decider- I am way too late to jump in on this one, but I felt the need to make sure that my readership is aware that the most powerful man in the world is indeed "the decider."

Yanni: Innocent, but still a creep

2006-04-04T16:52:00.000-04:00

Legendary keyboardist and new age loser Yanni has been cleared of domestic abuse charges. His girlfriend, Silvia Barthes, 33, told police Yanni grabbed her and shook her, then threw her on a bed and jumped on her, according to a police report. Barthes had a bloody lip, but told officers she thought she might have hit herself when Yanni shook her (spoken like a true wife-beatee).

Yanni had this to say in response to the claims (my issues with the statement are in bold):

"The allegations claimed were always false and completely without any merit. Unfortunately, celebrities are often seen as easy targets and are very vulnerable to these kinds of baseless allegations and false demands for money. I want to thank my family, friends, fans and everyone who have supported me through this very difficult and painful time. I love the Florida community in which I live and will continue to have faith in our justice system."

1) You're not a celebrity Yanni. You might chill out my neighbor who makes her own clothes out of hemp, but you're still a mustachioed nobody.

2) I think it would have been more fitting if Yanni replaced the word "fans" with "new age blowhards who get chubs from Casio keyboards and ponytails."

3) I'm sorry Yanni, but this case has reaffirmed my disillusion with the justice system. How on earth can we let a man with a mustache that offensive go free?

(All those years of tickling the plastic ivories sure have aged the synthesizer king)

Ohhh Drahma

2006-03-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

I guess there are some family disputes more exciting than requesting emancipation from your parents (Aaron Carter is still a badass). R. Kelly's brother, Carey Kelly, is claiming that R. Kelly tried to bribe him into taking the rap for the infamous sex tape. But Carey Kelly, like any good brother is speaking out...in digital clarity! Yes, the brother released a DVD with a variety of accusations against his brother including accusing him of being bisexual, a wife beater, a child molester, and a Kenny Loggins fan.

(Sweet belt buckle, perv)

Naturally, I have a couple comments on this story. 1) Is this DVD available on amazon.com? Because I really need it, and 2)Thank god I look nothing like my siblings (way more attractive) because Lord knows I wouldn't agree to taking the rap for my brother's infamous Star Wars tape.

My favorite quote from the story:

"I got a call about a year and a half ago," Carey claims on the DVD, produced by Drahma Magazine. "My brother wanted me to do some s--t pertaining to this case that would leave me behind bars with a record deal. It doesn't make sense, so I turned it down."

Drahma Magazine! How do I become a subscriber?! (warning: when you click on the link, the site blasts some phat rap tunes)

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission: must be bored

2006-03-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

Texas is sending in undercover agents to arrest people INSIDE bars who are drunk. Aside from being one of the most horrible things I've ever heard, I am a little curious as to how the undercover agents decide who is drunk enough to be arrested. Maybe send in this woman (pictured below) and the first person to hit on her gets arrested?

News in briefs

2006-03-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

The Illinois Democratic primary proved that life isn't all that hard out here for a gimp. (note: it's not offensive to call a war hero a gimp if you only do it because it rhymes with pimp)

The public will have the chance to buy goods from the house that Republican corruption built. A leather sofa is among the Ex-Congressman's possessions up for auction...of all things to buy with millions of dollars in bribes why in God's name would you want your living room to look like the set of Miami Vice? Nevermind, this guy's a Republican, he obviously has no taste.

Aaron Carter is way cooler than Nick Lachey. Who needs divorce drama when you've got a minor filing for emancipation? "In December 2003, 16-year-old Aaron publicly fired his manager-mother, Jane, and filed for legal emancipation, alleging she stole more than $100,000 from him. The two made up a month later, but Carter moved in with his father after his parent's split." This story reminds me of the time when my Mom asked me for some ten dollars because she didn't have cash, and then when I asked her for my money back later she responded by saying "I brought you into this life, I can take you out of it." Yep, Aaron and I have a lot in common. And by the way Aaron, kudos on the bowlcut.

A man tossed a suspicious package onto the North Lawn of the White House on this morning, setting off a security alert, and was taken into custody. Supposedly this guy has done stuff like this before, which lends one question...what the hell was he doing on Pennsylvania Ave? If we can't keep nutjobs from throwing crap on the WH lawn, how on earth will we ever win the war on terror? Terror must be laughing at us...wait a second "terror" isn't a country, it's an emotion...this whole time I thought googlemaps was full of crap.

WH Aide caught stealing from Target

2006-03-15T13:48:00.000-05:00

This story is hilarious, yet depressing. Despite his six figure salary and what Administration officials described as a "keen moral compass," former White House aide Claude Allen was caught running a scam where he would return stuff to Target that he didn't pay for. It's depressing because Allen was a Bush Administration posterboy (he was the highest ranking African American in the Administration). He even sat next to Laura Bush during the State of the Union.

("I know I didn't pay for the stereo, that's why I'm returning it.")

I think Allen's political record is more embarassing than his retail fraud. Allen was a huge homophobe- he was a big backer of banning gay marriages and he failed to get nominated to the Federal Judiciary partly due to the fact that he referred to a political opponent as vulnerable because he was "in with the queers." This didn't stop the Bush Administration from apponting him deputy secretary of HHS where he pushed abstinence-only policies, and questioned the promotion of condom use.

manorexia is not just for emo kids

2006-03-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

Dennis Quaid (Randy's brother) has reportedly received professional help for a condition referred to as "manorexia." On a mean note, manorexia is clearly not a genetic disorder.

(Randy, battling multiple chins and still waiting to film Kingpin II)

Is Obama on the cream or the clear?

2006-03-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

(Passion or roid rage? You be the judge)

A source close to Pick's Post has allegedly seen Illinois junior Senator Barack Obama pushing obscene amounts of weight at a local DC gym. The eyewitness saw Obama complete over twelve repitions on the incline bench with 70lb dumbells. Later in the workout, the Senator was handily pushing 360lbs on the leg press machine. This information leads to one pressing question. Is the superstar Senator juicing? When asked to respond to these allegations Obama's office had no comment at press time. However, rumors are circulating in the Capitol that Majority Leader Bill Frist will call for Obama to provide a urine sample on the Senate floor as early as next week. I'd like to think the Senator was all-natural, but I have to admit that his Senate floor speech on lobbying reform seemed far too powerful for an individual not relying on the use of performance enhancing drugs.

(An enlarged head is a telling sign of a juicer)

Gov Rounds caves to coat hanger lobby

2006-03-06T17:25:00.000-05:00

(Rounds: extremely tan, and wants you to have your rapist's baby)

As if John Thune wasn't reason enough to hate the state, South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds signed a bill outlawing abortions in South Dakota. The law restricts abortions even in extreme cases involving rape and incest. After signing the bill, the Governor justified his actions by saying, "In the history of the world, the true test of a civilization is how well people treat the most vulnerable and most helpless in their society." Think what you want about abortion, but I'm not sure if we would pass our "true test of civilization" if we don't consider victims of rape and incest among the most vulnerable. I dunno, I think it might be a little awkward to give birth to my father's kid, but I'm old fashioned. Supporters hope that the blatantly unconstitutional law will make it's way to the Supreme Court and forcing the reconsideration of the landmark Roe V. Wade case.

In brighter news, at least you don't look like this guy. I guess years of partying really does turn you into Skeletor.

News in Bikini Briefs

2006-03-03T16:05:00.000-05:00

(never trust a man with a mustache, he may wreck your multiple homes)

A Fairfax County man was captured yesterday, and will be arraigned on bigamy charges after his story was aired on Dr. Phil's tv show. In a related story, the Fairfax County District Attorney will go before the court under the charge of straight playa hatin, hiyooo! I think Dr. Phil goes by "Doctor" because he has his PHD, a player hatin degree. Oh man, I'm on a roll...being married to multiple women at once is hilarious (yet heartbreaking).

Dave Chappelle's Block Party opened in theaters today. The documentary follows Chapelle as he organizes a hip hop concert (undoubtedly a waste of ten dollars). The film is bound to disappoint the thousands of lamos who won't give up their awful impressions of Chapelle's impressions. Don't act like you don't know huu-whaaat!! I'm talking about.

(Mos Def: Bad ass, but battling a horrible speech impediment)

16 Blocks, which stars Bruce Willis and Mos Def also opened today. Without actually reading the review I can safely tell you that the movie is pretty much the same as Die Hard 3 (because it stars Bruce Willis and a black guy). So I recommend that you save the ten bucks and watch Die Hard 3 because it is always on TNT and you can use the extra money to buy bananas and bran muffins. I also have a little message for Mr. Def...please stop mumbling! I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

(Alba: had this photo taken at JC Penny)

B- list celebrity Jessica Alba is complaining about appearing on the cover of this month's Playboy magazine. I guess she is not featured nude in the magazine and fears that the cover might hurt her non-existent reputation and career. The whole situation is stupid and she should be thankful that she's getting exposure beyond acne-faced Maxim-reading pre-teens. No offense to Maxim subscribers, they have some really insightful articles in there.

40 days

2006-02-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

Well folks, Mardi Gras is wrapping up its annual booz-and-boob-fest in New Orleans this week and we're approaching that special season of the year...Lent. Yep, it's time to celebrate the time-honored tradition of depriving yourself of something you like until Easter. Of course we do this in honor of when Jesus gave up eating Pepperidge Farm chocolate chip cookies for forty days (they were his only vice). So, as I was thinking of ways to deprive myself, I came up with a list of things other people should give up.

DJs: In da Club

There is no reason for you to still play this awful song. For Lent's sake, take it off your playlists because if I have to hear one more annoying drunk girl sing "go shorty, it's your berfday" I will urinate myself as a display of anger. I would even prefer that Little John song that talks about perspiration in his nether region over In da Club by 50 Cent.

Samuel L. Jackson: Movies

Please Sam, I beg of you, for forty days stop making movies. Have you ever said no to a script? I loved Pulp Fiction just as much as the next guy, but since then you've starred in a movie every other week and the majority of them blow. Freedomland, that horrid-looking movie with Eugene Levy, XXX State of the Union, and Coach Carter are just to name a few of the awful movies you've been in lately. Oh, and the same goes for Christopher Walken. C-Walk please show some restraint and take a breather for forty days. You're a dramatic genius, but even a Ukranian cab driver would have passed on starring in the flaming pile of crap known as Gigli.

Jessica Simpson: Being famous

(pictured: the best and most creepy artistic rendering of Simpson, ever)

Can you please disappear for forty days. I'll admit I thought you were pretty hot in 1999 when you were in that video on the Santa Monica Pier (why on earth do I remember that?) But I'm confused why people seem to care what and who you're doing. Honestly, there is no reason my mother should be able to pick you out of a lineup. Let's name the things you have going for you:

1) Looks (if you're into that)
2) Voice (I have no idea if this is true)
3) Ability to make even the dumbest people feel smarter?

These "talents" in no way justify your exposure. Plus, I'm sick of seeing you on the damn TV trying to sell me pizza with balls of cheese on the crust or whatever disgusting new method Domino's has developed to make our country even fatter. So please honey, take a forty day timeout and hopefully America will realize that they were better off with you gone. As for Nick Lachey, you deserve the hype man...that 98 degrees tattoos is sweet.

Deceptive Panhandlers

Living in the city has made me pretty numb to panhandlers, but sometimes they can really get to me. Like the time a guy asked me if I was in movies and I told him that I wasn't (the stag films don't count) and he said "oh, well you should be in the movies." The exchange left me a little confused, but also a tad bit flattered. This was until he followed me for a city block asking me for change and then when I told him I had none (which was the truth) he said "you could never be in the movies cheapass whiteboy." So please deceptive panhandlers just be honest during lent, there is no reason to build up my ego and then when you find that I have no spare change crush my movie star aspirations. (The picture of the Jesus-esque panhandler above is not in poor taste, so lay off).

Another reason not to live in Pittsburgh

2006-02-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

"Police weren't sure why the woman was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia." This story beats a finger in Wendy's chili any day. Thanks to Wongette for passing on the story.

The Original Baby's Daddy

2006-02-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

RIP Jerry Orbach

Shout out to VA for creative influence

Things that suck

2006-02-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't consider myself to be a negative person. In fact I've recently been making an effort to stay positive. However, over the past few days I have compiled a list of things that totally suck and are horrible. I would like to share them with you.

1) Tapas:

The idea was kind of cool when they first became popular in 2002, but I am officially calling for their departure from the culinary scene. It seems that every new restaurant in DC only serves tapas. Let's be honest, tapas are a way for expensive restaurants to fool poor people like myself. Countless times I have persued a menu in a restaurant window and thought that the prices were reasonable. Then, after sitting down among a bunch of other trendy white people with "product" in their hair, I realize that the only reason the entrees were under fifteen dollars is because the servings are designed to feed a Filipino infant. Then you have to spend at least a hundred clams to get full, or leave the restaurant craving more nourishment (usually New Big Wong). I'm all about sharing food, and I am not demanding Hungry Man-sized proportions, but tapas are just plain annoying and I want them to die.

2)Bluetooth Headsets

(can you hear me now? Good, cause I'm still a massive tool)

Remember when cell phones were a status symbol? People would proudly display them on their belt clip to prove that they were technologically superior than the losers still punching in pager code. Well now that even Sri Lankan street peddlers have Motorola Razrs, people have found another device to annoyingly display, the Bluetooth headset. These things have to be the most obnoxious facial accessory ever invented. I'm all for not getting brain tumors and using cell phone headsets, but these glowing bionic ears are downright silly, and you should be sucker punched if you're wearing one. I don't blame you for wanting to look like Robocop, it was a pretty sweet movie (the second one was mediocre at best), but are you so damn important that you have to listen to world in mono because you might get a damn phone call? Most of the time bluetooth users aren't even on the phone, so I'm assuming that they enjoy glowing like a retarded Christmas tree. So please, take that ridiculous piece of machinery out of your ear, you're killing America.

3) Justin Timberlake

Dude, where have you been? It's been too long since your last album which I may add was filled with hot tracks. No, I didn't buy "Justified," I am not that gay (But I did buy it for my girlfriend at the time and immediately burn it to my computer). JT, now is your time to shine, Britney is looking like a cheap coke wench and you're dating every guy's dream girl, Mary. Please come out with some new songs, because I've already choreographed moves to your old ones, and my friends are getting tired of passing to the left and sailing to the right every Friday night.

Believe me, there are more things (and people) that suck, and I will be highlighting a some more soon. But since I want to stay positive I will list a few things that don't suck.

1) Oklahoma- because I went to a state society party, lied and said I was from Tulsa and won four Capitals tickets
2) Bananas- they taste great, portable, and plug you up
3) Starbucks bran muffins- a great tasting compliment to item #2
4) Diversity training- I got to waste a whole day at work, and get free lunch
5) New Big Wong- On 7th and H NW, it will change your life
6) Seeing former olympian Kerry Strug at the gym- she's pint sized

2006-02-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Shmalentines

2006-02-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

(Osama BL: a big V-day fan. Clearly, if you celebrate the holiday, you're letting the terrorists win)

Did anyone notice how early I broke the Cheney story? The heat seems to be on the VP not for shooting the gramps-lawyer, but for his failure to notify the public of the accident. The Cheney camp waited an entire day before officially admitting his "bad" (yes, at the ripe age of 22 my ear is still to the street). The victim of the accident was reportedly joking with nursing staff about his newfound fame and would have been laughing about the whole thing if HIS FACE WASN'T FILLED WITH BULLET SHARDS! Speaking of getting shot...I actually felt bad for Luke when that kid from Corona shot him in the arm (I'm so 2003).

An Irish newspaper ran a story with the headline, New Yorkers 'not fazed' by snow storm. I think there should be a related article titled "Washingtonians biggest pussies ever when it comes to snow." You would think it was Armageddon last weekend...I actually saw two women fighting over the last box of flaming hot Cheetos at Safeway in fear of the idea they may not have access trans fat for six hours. Then I saw a bunch of studly roughnecks wearing orange space outfits...maybe that's what did it for me.

If I have to see one more shitty jewelry ad I am going to gouge my eyes out with a soft brissled toothbrush. I think Valentine's Day is the most depressing "holiday" America has to offer (with arbor day coming in at a close second). Am I the only person who thinks you shouldn't have to feel obligated to take your special lady to the Olive Garden just because Hallmark and Zales wants your hard earned money? You need to treat your special someone to unlimited salad and breadsticks every day...not because you love them, but because it will make them fat and force them to stick with you. On that note, happy Valentine's Day.

At least she knew she couldn't carry it on

2006-02-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

A woman was arrested in a Florida airport after screeners found a human head in her luggage. The voodoo woman stated that the purpose of the head (which still had teeth in it) was to ward off evil spirits. Maybe the head was good at warding off evil spirits, but it sure as hell wasn't good at warding off the underpaid, overworked, TSA screeners in Miami. Watch, with my luck this voodoo woman is going to read this and put a hex on me...so I apologize in advance for speaking in tongues and threatening to shave your head (ah how I miss London).

(TSA file photo, or the result of a google image search)

And by God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good

2006-02-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

(How sweet would it be to get capped by the VP? Remember this man's name, because he will live in Trivial Pursuit infamy)

Vice President Dick Cheney shot his friend, Harry Whittington while hunting quails in Texas. The 78 year old Texas lawyer was airlifted to a Corpus Christi hospital where he is listed in stable condition. The owner of the ranch where the incident took place had the following amazing description of the accident:

"It broke the skin," she said of the shotgun pellets. "It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that. Fortunately, the Vice President has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been," she said. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came."

It doesn't take a genius to know that geriatrics and guns are a dangerous combination. It will be interesting to see how this story develops. I can't wait to see what the Larouche freaks are going to do with this story. They told me last week that Cheney eats babies, so I can't imagine what they will do now that he's on record for actually busting a cap in an old man's ass. If you're not familiar with the Larouche freaks, consider yourself lucky (check out the pamphlet comparing Cheney to Hitler).

Olympics = overrated

2006-02-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

(spandex: so hot it will light your ass on fire)

The Winter Olympics haven’t been cool since Lillehammer, which was 1994. I also thought overall-shorts were pretty cool in 1994, so I guess my endorsement of the ’94 Olympics isn’t all that strong. Anyways, the Olympics are a monumental waste of time and money. But I’m okay with that. The thing that really kills me is that every jackass with a TV who watches ten minutes of an event all of the sudden appreciates the sport. Where were these people during the past 3 years and 11 months? They sure as hell weren’t supporting the US National Team at the curling World Championships in Prague.

The Olympics have a keen ability at making people think that obscure sports are cool for about a month, then the athletes disappear into oblivion. Maybe if they’re lucky they can get a Wheaties box, but who eats that garbage anyways? The other thing about the Olympics that bugs me is that every Olympic athlete has some sort of ridiculous sob story that the commentators won’t shut up about. For instance, the bobsledder whose cat died when he was twelve…he’s dedicated every one of his races to that cat and actually keeps the cat’s tail in his spandex unitard while he races. Maybe they have to have those stories to trick the public into thinking that watching someone sled down some ice is a good use of their time.

What about patriotism you might ask? Well I think it’s pretty well established that despite how our finest homosexuals fare in figure skating this year, the USA will still be the best and most powerful country in the world. I am not going to lose much sleep if some Swiss guy beats us in the slalom. So what will I be watching on the television (I have one now) this snowy weekend in DC? Season 1 of the OC on DVD. I had no idea Summer was such a skank at the beginning of the show.

37lb woman gives birth to a healthy boy

2006-02-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

This is awesome, and it happened in Palo Alto!

Below is a digital projection of what the son will look like at age 16. Sorry, I will never get enough of this picture...I think it's the Burberry hat that does it for me.

Foiled attack or Bush smoking crack?

2006-02-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the President specifically referred to a foiled terrorist plot to fly an airplane into a building in LA. Bush said four Southeast Asians who met with Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan in October 2001 were taught how to use shoe bombs to blow open a cockpit door and steer a plane into the Library Tower, the tallest building on the West Coast. The four were captured by Asian authorities before they could execute the plan, he said.

The Administration is claiming that Bush's mention of the foiled attack had nothing to do with Congressional hearings questioning the legitimacy of warrantless wiretaps, but smart people (or skeptics as they're sometimes called) know better. Further, intelligence officials have played down the significance of the failed attack. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of this bullshit. It is the government's job to prevent terrorist attacks. You don't get to take a dump on the Constitution because some Asian crackpots wanted to blow up LA. Security does not have to come at the expense of civil rights and I'm not going to give the Administration kudos for doing what they're supposed to be doing...preventing terrorist attacks. Additionally, it's not like we're not paying billions of dollars to fight terrorism so it's about damn time that they can highlight a vicotry in the war on terror.

In lighter news, Britney Spears is an idiot.

But Kevin Federline is a bigger idiot. Please go to his myspace profile and listen to his song. It's Wongette's favorite.

Does anyone else think that the surfer kid Johnny deserved to die?

Is it hard out here for a pimp? The Academy thinks so

2006-02-01T21:53:00.001-05:00

I took a big step toward ending my prolific blogging career today. Yes, I started a new job. It remains to be seen if leaving DHS and being forced to actually be productive at work will kill Pick's Post. Maybe I will blog on my own time? I don't know, it didn't seem to work for Loosh, who hasn't posted anything since November. Not blogging on the government's dime definitely isn't as sexy.

Cindy Sheehan was booted from the SOTU last night for wearing a shirt that illustrated the number of US casualties in Iraq. Sheehan was Representative Lynn Woolsey's guest at the address, and Woolsey released this statement in defense of Sheehan. Like Woolsey, I don't understand why Sheehan was removed from the House floor last night. I mean so what if she was wearing a t-shirt? She was still exhibiting more fashion sense than Secretary of Education Margaret "I love hot pink" Spellings. (Spellings is pretty tough to spot in the photo below)

Republicans seem to be getting real tough on lobbying these days. Today they introduced legislation that would ban former Members of Congress-turned lobbyists from using the House gymnasium. This proposed legislation received criticism from Nacy Pelosi who sarcastically stated that she doesn't even know where the gym is. So wait a second...you're telling me Pelosi's painfully tight facial skin isn't the product of tireless hours on a treadmill? I am shocked.

The nominees for the Academy Awards have been announced. Sorry if this is not breaking news. My excuse if this is old news? I like girls (sarcastic homophobia). I think I am most excited about the performance of the song titled "It's hard out here for a pimp" which was nominated for best song from the movie Hustle and Flow. I am not just excited because the word pimp is in the title, but also because the song will be performed by legendary crooners Burt Bacharach and Neil Diamond. Am I the first person to use the word "crooner" outside the context of a game of Trivial Pursuit?

and the state of the union is.....

2006-01-31T20:49:00.000-05:00

SCOTUS nominee Samuel Alito was confirmed by the Senate today. I won't say I told you so. Lincoln Chafee was the only Republican Senator to vote against Alito. It only makes sense that the hottest Republican in Congress would also be the most reasonable. Really, I've seen him in person, his locks are quite golden.

Alito made his associate justice debut tonight at the State of the Union address, and the black robe is actually quite slimming. Speaking of the STOU address, it's going on as I type and I hate to admit that I am very tempted to watch Moesha re-runs on UPN instead of sitting through about an hour of hallow promises and grandstanding. But, I shall sit through it in the name of my four readers so that I can provide insightful commentary.

Oh, and by the way. I might have caught something in London.

And it only cost me one pound!

From London with Love

2006-01-25T10:41:00.000-05:00

The ACLU is back at it again. The Washington Post reported today that they reached an agreement with a New Jersey high school for a male student to wear skirts. The male student took up skirt wearing in protest of the school's ban on shorts. Another resounding victory for human rights! Congrats ACLU...I'm sure the detainees at Camp X-Ray are celebrating in Cuba. Well, they would be celebrating if they could get those electrodes off their testicles.

Disney has reportedly bought Pixar. What does this mean to us? Absolutely nothing unless you're a big nerd, or one of the many lame adults who enjoy computer animated kiddie movies. By the looks of the picture below, Steve Jobs and the new Disney CEO look very excited about the merger. Come on guys, it looks like you're at a middle school dance...how about coming in for the real thing.

Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales argued yesterday that the requirements of a secret intelligence court are too cumbersome for rapid pursuit of suspected terrorists. Gonzales then said that the Constitution is pretty cumbersome too, and that the Founding Fathers hated freedom and would have let Bin Laden kill your favorite pet. He followed up by demanding the White House Press Corp's internet histories because he thinks they're all panda-porn-aficianados. Really folks, believing the legal interpretations from the Administration is like believing that the normal retail price for that gold watch on QVC is really $190.00.

Senate Minority Leader Harry M. Reid apologized last week for a news release that he said went too far in lambasting Republicans for shoddy ethics. Republicans were upset when Reid called them dirty do badders who are worse than Tony Soprano, Leroy Brown and Stalin. I agree with the need for an apology...we all know that nobody is badder than Leroy Brown. Obama for minority leader!!

News from London!! Their version of the hit show Deal or no Deal is much worse than the American version (yes, I didn't think it was possible either). This dude makes Mandel look like Selek!

Bin Laden or the Jerky Boys, you decide

2006-01-19T13:09:00.000-05:00

A few hours ago the arab television station Al Jazeera aired an audio taped allegedly recorded by Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, who we have not heard from in over a year, promised attacks on US soil soon but he also offered a conditional long term truce. Some are skeptical at the authenticity of the recording, and some have even blamed the tape on the notorious and hilarious prank callers, the Jerky Boys. Let me be the first to condemn them for their insensitive actions. The Arnold Schwarzenegger pizza parlor prank call was funny, but threatening the lives of US citizens definitely crosses the line.

The Bush administration has issued a subpoena to Google in an effort to receive information about pornography search queries. Google has refused to provide the information because they believe the request is overreaching, but the government claims that the information is needed to protect children from pornography. The case will be heard by a Federal court in Pennsylvania, but until then, I recommend that perverts use Yahoo! for all of their "girl+dog+wang" and "panda sex" queries.

Both sides of the aisle in Congress are in the process of proposing lobbying regulation legislation. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid said that passing the Republican party's legislation would be as bad as "letting Brownie come back to FEMA." Am I the only one that thinks this analogy sucks? I mean first off, it's outdated. Second, once you use the word Brownie and people all of a sudden become distracted and hungry. And stop me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Harry Reid refused to give up his Abramoff contributions? Congress needs to clean house...it's just unfortunate that Democratic leadership blows so hard that they can't even come up with a good message to capitalize on the Abramoff scandal. The solution? Pass the microphone to the man standing to your right Mr. Reid.

In other news, I'm not moving to California.

Repubs must choose between Blunt or Boehner

2006-01-11T09:03:00.000-05:00

(Roy Blunt: a friend of tobacco and a face for radio)

House Republicans will soon choose who gets the red rose (who becomes the next Majority Leader). The frontrunners in the race are acting Majority Leader Roy Blunt of Missouri and John Boehner of Ohio (sadly, it's pronounced "bayner"). Critics have pointed out that both of these potential leaders have strong ties to lobbyists, which could hurt their credibility in wake of the whacky-Jack Abramoff scandal. Specifically, Boehner has recieved large amounts of campaign contributions from Sallie Mae, a private student loan company. Some may find this significant because Boehner chairs the House Committee that writes student loan laws. Boehner is also infamous for doling out tobacco industry contributions to Republican members on the House floor. As for Blunt, he has pretty close ties to lobbying as well...he's married to one who represents Philip Morris, his largest campaign contributor. In fact, Blunt tried to attach a provision in a homeland security bill that would have protected the tobacco industry from online cigarette sales. In summation, it looks like the ruling party in the House will ultimately be headed by a sleazy friend of special interest...and the Deomcratic party continues to be headed by one of the least appealing individuals in DC. Really, the guy who asks me for change on 7th street has more charisma than Harry Reid.

2006-01-10T11:40:00.000-05:00

(whatever the hell this thing is, I want one!)

Maybe my last post was a little dramatic. I'm probably not a mighty phoenix rising from the ashes...I'm more of a wounded pigeon, hobbling away from the ashes. Either way, the ashes are being disposed of.

This week marks the start of the Alito Senate confirmation hearings. Yesterday, members of the Senate Judiciary Committee were given a chance to present their opening statements. For those of you with lives and aren't big nerds like me, I will summarize them for you:

Democratic Member X: "Abortion, Abortion, executive priviledge...John Kerry"
Republican Member Y: "You aren't a baby killer are you?...George Bush"

Yes folks, that was an exact summary of yesterday's proceedings. I have decided that this is the last time I will cover the Alito hearings, not only because I can't think of anything funny about them, but because we need to realize that this is a big ridiculous show, and in the end, Alito will be confirmed.

Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe have decided to separate after eight years of marriage. I have to admit, I have no idea who Chad Lowe is, and when I saw the headline I was hoping that she was married to uber-hunk Rob Lowe, star of Wayne's World II.

A bomb was found inside the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco yesterday. The device, which was live, prompted the evacuation of 100 people in a four block radius. SF Police are currently searching for suspects, but I think I have a hunch. It was probably that guy you see every day at Starbucks who refuses to order correctly. Yes, him. The guy who orders a "medium" instead of a "grande." This man was so worn down by the tall, grande, venti system that he thought he could set them straight by causing an explosion of urine and feces. Speaking of which...do not eat at Dupont Italian Kitchen.

This has to be the most disturbing story of 2006.

Druggie and Kurt Cobain-Widow Courtney Love seems to be having some financial troubles. It is reported that Love allowed a mortgage company to foreclose on a home occupied by Cobain's sister. Love reportedly has no money because Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl has been "taking money from (her) child for years." I was shocked to hear that the Foo Fighter frontman would do such a thing...I mean taking candy from a baby is one thing, but taking money is a whole different level. However, my fears subsided after the reporter asked how Grohl managed to extort the money and Love's only response was "me want some smack."

Pick is back

2006-01-06T09:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, like a mighty phoenix I am rising up from the ashes and bringing you the most important news of note. I apologize for the sabbatical, I know you have all been ignorant assholes without my news in briefs. I wish I could say I was on vacation...but I guess it could have been a vacation if my pool of tears was deep enough to swim in. Anywho, here they are...

(From Bobby's World to Deal or no Deal, will superstar sensation Mandel host the Oscars? Read NIB and find out!)

The District of Columbia grew some balls this week and passed the smoke-free ordinance. Active in 2007, DC's restaurants, bars, offices, and nightclubs will no longer have the right to give you lung cancer. While this is great news for DC residents and tourists, I expect that it will had an adverse effect on the sales of my patented bar wigs. Critics who oppose the ban claim that the restrictions will hurt businesses and hurts civil liberties. However, upon further investigation the critics most concerned with the ban turned about to be manufacturers of those microphones that make you sound like a robot when you have your throat gutted.

In an effort to appeal to the liberal base of the Democratic party and position himself for a 2008 Presidential bid, Virginia Governor Mark Warner has ordered a DNA test that could exonerate a man who was executed in 1992. The results could be announced as early as next week and could potentially deal a serious blow to citizens of the Commonwealth who feel that spending millions of taxpayer dollars to kill criminals is a worthy endeavor. Really death penalty proponents, have a heart.

After excluding the city of Las Vegas in the Department of Homeland Security's Urban Areas Security Initiative grant program, which is aimed at hardening potential urban terrorist targets, Senator Harry Reid asked DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff to resign. DHS officials have scrambled to justify the exclusion of Sin City in the grant program...but there is only one real explanation for the debacle and I can sum it up in two words...my bad.

Liberals across the country were seen raising the roof in reaction to the news that comedian and Daily Show host Jon Steward has been tapped to host the 2006 Academy Awards. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed at the Academy's decision...I assumed that Howie Mandel's fantastical hosting skills demonstrated on Deal or no Deal made him a clear choice for the show. However, I'll take Stewart over the Academy's second choice, the d-bag bowtie-wearing, ex-crossfire host Tucker Carlson.

In light of the coal mining tragedy in West Virginia, President Bush has declared an 8-month moratorium on hillbilly jokes. Seriously guys, they're not funny now. They were funny before, but give them eight months. In related news, Jay Leno is not funny. I hadn't seen the Tonight Show in years until last week, and let's just say that I'm worried about Kevin Eubanks (because he's the only person who seems to think Jay is funny).

Independence Air officially closed its doors this morning. The bankrupt airline proves the theory that it doesn't make sense to charge less money for a flight than a box of altoids. Is there anybody who didn't see this coming? Oh you didn't? Well you're an idiot. Sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm just going through an emotional stage in my life right now (read menopause).

Bush sleeps on the job

2005-12-29T08:54:00.000-05:00

It's the week between Christmas and New Years. The week where people lament about their crappy presents, but hold out hope that their holiday season will be redeemed by a champagne-soaked evening watching a dumb ball drop in Times Square. It's also the week where half of the employees at work are still on vacation and the other half who have shown up choose to do nothing but check their gmail incessantly in hopes of hearing from prospective employers (or maybe that's just me). Oh yea, I am all about the holidays...

The Post has an interesting article about how the Bush team is rethinking its second term strategy. Am I the only one who thinks this re-tooling is unnecessary? A failed Social Security overhaul, CIA leaks, rising casualties in Iraq, Harriet Miers, and Hurricane Katrina all seemed to be working well for Bush II. This is my favorite line from the article:

"Bush, who had plenty to be morose about through the fall, responded with vigor as well. Instead of heading immediately to bed after the Oval Office address, as he usually does, he stuck around to chew through themes for his upcoming State of the Union address, another high-ranking administration official said."

(Waterson displays confusion and disgust in reaction to the President's pre-Law & Order bedtime)

Wow, the leader of the free world bypassed his 9pm beddy time to work on his goals for the second term of his presidency. This has to be the most pathetic thing I've ever read about the President. Are we supposed to be impressed? The POTUS should not be gettin more sleep than my friggin grandma. I want him working on the mounting problems facing our nation, not working on his beauty sleep. I mean come on people, who goes to sleep before Law & Order? I bet John Kerry watched Conan that night.

Happy Soon to be b-day Jesus

2005-12-21T10:06:00.000-05:00

(New York City's transit union continues to say no deal)

In honor of the upcoming birthday of Jesus Christ our Lord and savior, I have gathered this news in briefs.

NYC enters its second day of transit strikes today as people flood the streets and carpool to work. A New York Supreme Court judge ruled that the transit strike is illegal and is fining the transit union $1 million for every day of the walk-out. In a related story, the man next to me on my commute this morning let one rip and then winked at me. I was about to give him a high ten for being so gassy first thing in the morning, but the wink really threw me off so I rescinded my high-ten and opted to get out of my seat and yell "you nasty!"

The new show "Deal or no Deal" continues to blow my mind. Not only does it involve absolutely no skill or intellect on the part of the contestant, but Howey Mandel's head is shinier than that sequence number that Elton John wore to his wedding. Really, the show gives me the creeps and it should be removed from NBC's horrible lineup immediately (because im secretly addicted...those ladies with the briefcases are so darn lovely).

A judge yesterday barred the teaching of "intelligent design" as an alternative to evolution in a Pennsylvania school district. For some reason, the judge didn't seem to think that intelligent design was based on credible science, and thought that the intelligent design rhetoric was being used as a means to introduce religion into public schools. Religion shmeligion, I know that I didn't come from no dirty apes. Instead, I came from a much more glamorous process- I came from Adam...who had sex with eve...whose kids had sex with each other, and their kids had sex with each other and voila the human race was created.

Two weeks after a protest that culminated in gunfire and bloodshed, the rebellious farmers and fishermen of Dongzhou, China have been reduced to submission. Read this article and you'll be glad you don't live an opressive country like China. Oh wait, you can't even make Jack Black soundboard prank calls to your friends from Iran without the Bush Administration spying on you! Scary times my lil smokies, scary times...

This picture, one of Yahoo's most emailed, is absolutely awful..don't click on it if you're interested in eating honeybaked ham this holiday season.

This picture, another one of Yahoo's most emailed, will make you feel slightly better after viewing the image above.

Bush backs down on torture

2005-12-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

(Asian Ronalds are pretty creepy, and pear-shaped)

CNN.com is claiming that terror suspect Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was detained in 2004, but Iraqi forces let him go because they didn't know his identity. This tragic tale reminds me of the summer of 1995 when I threw away the McDonalds Monopoly Park Place game piece that would have let me win a sweet Corvette....It's just like that time, except lives are at stake in in Iraq and I was like 12 in 1995, so the 'vette would have collected dust in my driveway.

Senator John McCain and President Bush came to an agreement today on an anti-torture bill. Bush stated "We share a common goal -- that is to protect the American people and to win the war on terror." I guess the only difference between the two of them is their preferred methods for achieving this goal. McCain, a torture victim, believes in the Geneva Convention, and Bush, well he's a fan of nipple clamps and sleep deprivation. I haven't read the article, but I assume that the monumental agreement will replace the nipple clamps with the DVD collection of R. Kelly's trapped in the closet series (someone tell me those things are a joke)

President Bush said that he thinks former Majority Leader Tom Delay is not guilty of money laundering charges. Bush explained his assertion by stating that he liked Delay because he gets his bills through Congress. Bush also defended now ousted Representative Dirty Duke Cunningham and has been lobbying for five years to get a unicorn for the DC Zoo. But really, Delay is innocent because Bush likes him? That's like saying Scott Peterson is innocent because he's so damn dreamy...seriously, I want to be his jailhouse bride.

In other news, I have decided that Kong is either going to be amazing, or will make me want to vomit my novelty sized 10 dollar movie theater beverage on a stranger. Part of the reason I'm skeptical is that I'm not sure if I can take Jack Black seriously...especially after playing around with this (really, click it, it's hilarious).

Finally, I want to wish my brother a very happy 26th birthday. I love you man, even though you're old.

Chertoff: Crushed

2005-12-12T09:58:00.000-05:00

(The US Secretary of State and gangsta rapper Yo Yo Ma share a moment on stage)

DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff is reportedly "crushed" at the news that one of the laziest letter-writing contractors in his department will depart in January. When asked about how the department could recover from such a monumental resignation, Chertoff said "I'm hungry, I want a breakfast burrito, and don't worry, DHS will continue to suck after he leaves."

In movie news, I found Jesus (saw Narnia) yesterday afternoon. If I knew Jesus was a sweet lion-warrior I would have been going to church years ago. But in all honesty, see the movie, it will change your life...er at the very least make you want some sweet, sweet Turkish Delight.

An analysis has concluded that the US is facing credibility issues abroad. For some reason, the international community (read smelly Euros) isn't thrilled about secret detention facilities and allegations of outsourcing the torture of military detainees. In an effort to re-establish our tarnished reputation and find common ground, Condoleeza Rice has been sent to Europe to demonstrate that Americans too can have horrible teeth.

The US has decided to lift its ban on Japanese beef, after Japan has lifted its sanction on America's cow products. This man, who misunderstood the US trade policy, was elated at the news, stating that he was relieved that he was now legal in the US.

A man who posted a false entry on wikipedia linking John Seigenthaler Sr. to the assassination of JFK issued an apology last week. In other news, how could I be missing out on the opportunity to post lies on wikipedia for so long? Really, why does this have to be the only forum for my lies?

Snow in DC NIB

2005-12-06T11:12:00.000-05:00

(above: an example of why ESL entrepreneurs should run the name of their proposed establishments by friends who are more familiar with penile-terminology)

President Bush made a trip to North Carolina yesterday to tell the country that the economy is better than you think and that the "Best days are yet to come." Next on the President's schedule is a stop in Iowa where he will tell the country that Sigfreid and Roy aren't in love and that Justin Timberlake is half black.

Texas lawmaker and former House Majority Leader Tom Delay will face trial for money laundering early next year. The conspiracy charge against Delay was thrown out by a judge yesterday, but that didn't seem to help the polls in Delay's district that indicate Delay would lose in the 2006 elections. According to pollsters, Texans said that they couldn't trust a man whose money smelled like Snuggle.

Jennifer Aniston is pretty upset about a paparazzi photo of her boob. Aniston has threatened to sue the boobie-bandit whose lense caught her topless while posing for the upcoming issue of GQ. In other news, it seems that my work computer doesn't allow the search term "Aniston+naked+boobie."

China has confirmed another human case of bird flu. As this situation seems to worsen, I have to ask one question...why won't the the Chinese stop having sex with birds?

In other news, this dog (may it rest in peace) still makes me want to throw up.

News in Briefs: Arnold selects gay dem as CoS

2005-12-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

Arnold shocked the golden state when he announced his new chief of staff. Susan Kennedy is a democrat, a Gray Davis cabinet secretary, a former abortion rights group director, and one of the highest profile gay politicians in Sacramento. Arnold described his new chief of staff as "a woman that is known as being a hardworking woman, dedicated, and is willing to work whatever it takes to get the job done. She's willing to set her Democratic philosophy aside and do the job and do my vision -- to be able to work together with Democrats and Republicans." Unfortunately for Kennedy, when Arnold said that he expected her to "do my vision" he was referring to his fantasy of girl on girl action...come on, the guy's a perv and he doesn't speak english very well.

A USA Today article calls the Department of Homeland Security's hotline a hotbed of weak tips. The only reason I read this article was because I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing out on a warm bed somewhere here in this vast wasteland of misery I call work.

I vowed to leave Tom and Katie alone but this article is too damn funny to keep from my vast readership. Cruise admitted in a Barbara Walters interview earlier this week that he bought a sonogram machine to personally monitor the baby that rests in the womb of B list actress and brainwash victim, Katie Holmes. According to the article, "the couch-jumping thesp told Walters that he did not know the sex of his offspring, but that he saw "a little baby" when he performed the ultrasound." However upon a further investigation it was determined that Cruise did not see "a little baby" and instead was monitoring the progress of a little ball of crazy.

Senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton defended her vote in favor of the war in Iraq. Clinton admitted that if she knew what she knows today she wouldn't have voted in favor of the war. However, she stated that she does not support a plan to immediately pull out of Iraq. Clinton is trying to appease the liberal democratic base that could determine her fate in the presidential primary while at the same time appearing hawkish to increase her chances at winning favor with the general public...definitely not an enviable duty. In other news, remember how much John Kerry sucked? Really, someone tell him to stop making public appearances...and if he thinks about running again, I will run my own swift boat ads claiming that he ate babies in Beirut.

NIB is back

2005-11-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Virginia governor and presidential hopeful Mark Warner granted clemency to a death row inmate. In a move that some are calling politically motivated, Warner chose to commute the death sentence because evidence that could have cleared the defendant had been destroyed by an idiot in a Virginia evidence lab. In an odd twist, former special prosecutor and world's largest tattle tale, Kenneth Starr, was one of the lawyers representing the death row inmate. Is saving a man's life enough to make me respect a man whose life's work was tracking down a presidential baby batter-stained dress? Probably not. I'm so partisan it burns when I pee.

The Roberts SCOTUS will hear a case involving parental notifications for abortions. According to the Post, "Courtroom observers will scrutinize every word uttered by Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., and no doubt every change in his facial expression in search of clues to views he declined to provide during his confirmation hearings in September." I am really excited about examining these facial expressions considering the success I had with my confirmation photo journal last September.

Bush went on the offensive this morning by delivering a speech outlining his plan for Iraq. You can find the 35 page plan here, but since I know you're a bunch of lazy bums I will outline it for you. First, we take one step backward...then we take another....then we turn our backs and run like the dickens while screaming "good luck with the civil war, they add character."

San Diego Congressman Duke Cunningham stepped down this week after pleading guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes from federal contractors. The Republican party is doing their best to distance themselves from this prodigal son and stated that Democrats in Congress were equally guilty of questionable behavior, including lobbyist-paid trips and underreporting of campaign contributions. Wait, wait, wait, Republicans control the House, Senate, and White House and our country is in the toilet. You don't get to point the finger at Democrats. That's just like the time my office mate farted and then our boss stopped by to chat with us and when the boss smelled the stench my office mate said "well Will does it too." It's just like that time...exactly like it.

TSA: Screwdrivers and Scissors okay to carry-on

2005-11-30T10:01:00.000-05:00

The Department of Homeland Security's Transportation Security Administration is re-thinking its list of banned carry-on items. Sources within TSA say that a new plan will be proposed to allow some sharp objects like scissors and screwdrivers because hardened cockpit doors and airplane security measures no longer make these items a serious threat. TSA would instead like to focus its resources on screening passengers for explosives to prevent a suicide bomber-style attack. According the Washington Post, TSA is has in the past considered allowing items like ice picks and ninja stars on airplanes. A representative from the flight attendant industry said his constituents are upset at the proposed revisions to banned items, and stated that "When weapons are allowed back on board an aircraft, the pilots will be able to land the plane safety but the aisles will be running with blood." (Isn't this a little dramatic? I think the airline representative got worked up when the reporter called him a stewardess). I don't know about you, but I don't feel comfortable on a plane with a bloody mary-drinking ninja sharpening his stars with an ice pick.

Turkey Week News in Briefs

2005-11-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

A Florida middle school teacher was sentenced to three years house arrest and seven years probation for doing the deed with a 14-year old student. The two realized a mutual attraction on a school trip to Sea World (I couldn't even make this crap up). When asked about the side effects of the teacher's "abuse," the student simply grinned and the male reporter who asked the question gave the student a high-five. (high-fives are making a comeback..."the pound" is on its way out)

Democratic biggest loser, John Kerry, was selected for jury duty at a Suffolk County Superior Court this week. As jury foreman, Kerry will be responsible for delivering the verdict in the case. It is predicted that Kerry will first say the defendant is guilty, but then say that he's innocent and try to explain why at first he voted for him to be innocent. He's a flip-flopper, get it? Ziiiing

Leaders in the South Pacific are starting to claim that the US would have no chance in a war against China. The article quotes an expert who said, "I believe America cannot win as it has a civic society that must adhere to the value of respecting lives." When getting word of this report insinuating America cared about human lives Dick Cheney said he had never been so insulted in his life, and then resumed torturing a detainee (he keeps some in his basement).

After being in Congress for only a few months, Ohio Representative Jean Schmidt made a name for herself by calling Democratic heavyweight and Marine Corps Veteran John Murtha a coward on the House floor. The Congresswoman claimed that she was passing on a message to Murtha from an Ohio State Rep who was also a veteran...but this article says it ain't so. Since the incident last week, Schmidt has apologized to the Congressman, blaming the fiasco on an allergic reaction from her cheap fake tanner. (Really, it's November, you're not fooling anyone)

TGIF NIB

2005-11-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

US Rep John Murtha, known for his hawkish inclination, surprised the country yesterday when he called for the removal of American troops in Iraq. In retaliation to the statements, Vice President Cheney called Murtha a panzee and afraid of war. But then Cheney's aides informed him that Murtha is a veteran and an ex-marine, and that Cheney's daughter has a thing for chicks in flannel.

Early this morning, the House of Reps passed the controversial budget bill by two votes. The bill, which will cut spending for social programs like medicare, food stamps, and loans for poor college students, passed with 14 moderate Republican and all Democratic members in opposition. Opponents of the budget thought it was in poor taste to slash social programs for the poor and then take up legislation to continue cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans. In related news, resesarch shows that 14 House Republicans have souls.

DC police continue to search for answers to the question we've been asking for weeks, "Who Shot Cam'ron." The hip hop (star?) who has had hits like (?) and (? featuring Mary J Blige?) was shot in an attempted car-jacking while riding in his Lamborgini on a busy DC street. Mr. 'Ron has not been cooperative with investigators and has instead chosen to call the incident the best thing that could ever happen to his once non-existent career. Now armed with his newfound street cred, Cam'ron may be able to finally pay his $16,000 a month insurance premiums on his ridiculously dumb car.

AIM users have not welcomed their new buddies. The two new buddies, which automatically appreared on buddy lists this week, are designed to help chatters find movie times and shop. I know that the buddies may be a little annoying but take it from me, it's really funny to tell them that you want to touch their boobies.

Tuesday's NIB

2005-11-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

The alleged "cell phone bandit," who has terrorized banks while chatting on her Motorola, was arrested in Virginia early this morning. The Fairfax County jailhouse has already received hundreds of love letters addressed to the bandit, however upon further investigation it seems that they were all written by the obnoxious "can you hear me now?" guy.

Recently released Reagan era documents reveal that SCOTUS nominee Samuel Alito does not believe in the right to abortion and affirmative action programs. Further, the documents revealed his belief that the government should protect traditional values. When questioned further about which values Alito considered traditional, he stated "those that keep minorities in low wage jobs and abortions where they belong (in back-alleys performed by a man named Lou)."

The nominee for the head of the Federal Reserve will appear before the Senate today. According to the Washington Post, "Bernanke's friends, colleagues and former students say the would-be Fed chairman is likely to come across in the hearing as anything but a starchy academic wedded to arcane theories and rigid economic models." Instead, he will come across as someone whose job and personality I am completely uninterested in. In other news, I will always be poor.

Israeli and Palestinian officials were able to look past Condi's gap-teeth and overall unattractiveness and brokered an agreement to open the Gaza strip to the outside world. Condi's mediating skills have been touted by the press, and racists continue to comment on how "well-spoken" she is.

Today marks the first day that elderly citizens can sign up for Medicare prescription drug benefits. The timing is perfect for Sam Watterson, who turns 65 today (not a lie) and needs some serious meds after a disappointing few months.

News in Briefs

2005-11-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

President Bush is planning to give another "I wasn't the only one wrong about the Iraq war" speech during a pitstop in Alaska on his way to Asia this afternoon. Is spreading the blame for the Iraq quagmire really making us feel warm and fuzzy inside? At least he's doing it in Alaska, where an eskimo and some seal fat will be his only audience. I guess with Bush, the buck stops...um...where does the buck go if it never stops?

In keeping with America's biggest lamos visiting Asia theme, Arnold will visit China this week and showcase what California has to offer. I hold little hope for Arnold because I don't think China is interested in earthquakes, illegal immigrants, and gay marriage...ZING! (worst characterization of California, ever).

Chicken Little topped 50 Cent at the box office last weekend, proving that Americans love computer-generated kiddy movies more than films about the absolute worst way to achieve the American dream (dry-humping youself to the top).

Condoleeza Rice continues to meet with Palestinian and Isreali officials to arrange a border crossing agreement for Gaza. When asked about the progress Palestinian officials were confused and said they hadn't been able to pay attention to the first days of the talks because they were too busy staring at the depths of Condi's mouth through the enormous gap in her teeth.

News in Briefs

2005-11-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

Judith Miller retired from the NY Times yesterday in the wake of massive backlash from the paper for writing bum stories about Iraq's WMDs fed to her by Scooter Libby and other Administration officials. I have decided to offer her a full-time position here at Pick's Post, since I have no journalistic integrity and I am in fact a proponent of yellow journalism.

House Republicans finally agreed to scrap ANWR drilling from the budget proposal. Powerful Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska is reportedly furious about the removal of the drilling provision and asked members of the Senate why they cared about a state whose citizens eat seal fat and ruined the concept of the continental United States (really, Hawaii and Alaska ruined it all).

Bush gave Ali, Greenspan, Franklin, and Burnett, the Medal of Freedom yesterday. "Bush, who appeared almost playful, fastened the heavy medal around Muhammad Ali's neck and whispered something in the heavyweight champion's ear. Then, as if to say "bring it on," the president put up his dukes in a mock challenge. Ali, 63, who has Parkinson's disease and moves slowly, looked the president in the eye -- and, finger to head, did the "crazy" twirl for a couple of seconds." Did anyone else become extremely uncomfortable reading about this exchange? And I don't think calling a seizure the "crazy twirl" is in very good taste.

In Michigan, 18 year old Michael Sessions won a mayoral race. According to USA Today, Sessions plans to devote after-school hours to the job and use his bedroom as his office. I am pretty impressed...when I was 18, the only thing I did in my bedroom was freestyle rap about quadratic equations. For some reason Suge Knight never got back to me after I sent him my DJ Geometry demo tape...

News in briefs

2005-11-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

Apparently the Washington Post considers last week's news as "This Just In.." Looks like Pick's Post 11-4-05 = WaPo 11-9-05. This little situation reminds me of one of the most hilarious bumper stickers of all time which read "Windows 95 = Macintosh 89" (sorry, I'm so Silicon Valley it hurts).

50 Cent's new movie, "Get Rich or Die Tryin" opens today. According to the Motion Picture Association of America, the movie promises: simulated sex, full frontal male nudity, topless female nudity, strong language and graphic violence. You would think that after surviving 9 bullets and getting his own grape-flavored Vitamin Water that 50 Cent could swing more than an on-screen dry hump (that's what simulated sex means, right?)

In a 6-4 vote, the Kansas Board of Education ruled that students will be expected to look at both sides of the evolution debate. A promoter of intelligent design was elated and stated that this was a "huge step forward" for science. On a sidenote, the same man said that another scientific victory was Kansas' use of bloodletting as a treatment for HIV.

Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Chalabi, who lied to the US about Saddam's WMDs and is now under investigation for leaking sensitive information to Iran, will be sharing tea with Condoleeza Rice today. Senator Dick Durbin, D-Ill., called the visit "something curious," but I couldn't tell you his reasoning because I can't take anyone seriously with such a silly first name.

a good day to be a dem

2005-11-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

(Both Seth and the Republican party proved to be last night's biggest losers)

Though off-year elections may not carry the significance of mid-term or Presidential elections, 2005 proved a much need sign of hope for the Nation's Democrats. Last night, Democrats were placed in Virginia and New Jersey's governors mansions, and Arnold's ballot initiatives were turned down by a once proposition-happy California electorate. While Republicans are attempting to brush off the election as insignificant, Democrats are clinging to the hope that the mood at the polls will carry through to 2006, when the Nation will be asked to re-elect several Senators and the entire House of Representatives.

Simmer on this food for thought from last night:

- At a time when everything he touches turns to feces (some are calling him the King Midas of poo) analysts are wondering whether President Bush's last-minute appearance to endorse Virginia gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore ended up securing victory for Democrat Tim Kaine.

- Kaine's victory reflects the high level of approval for outgoing Democratic governor Mark Warner, who may show up on your 2008 Presidential ballots (his populairty in a red state is a sign that he may be a good candidate to convince middle-America that Democrats aren't all gaybos).

- Republican gubernatorial candidate Doug Forrester's campaign ad in which he quoted John Corzine's ex-wife proved unsuccessful at swaying New Jersey's voters. Her quote said Corzine "let his family down and he'll probably let New Jersey down, too" and makes me worry that if I ever run for office my ex girlfriend may run an ad reminding the public that I dated her...zing!

- One has to wonder if Matt's strategy of gaining 12 pounds after winning the challenge and receiving immunity from the weigh-in will bite him in the ass on next week's Biggest Loser.

News in brief, or boxers if you're worried about sperm count

2005-11-08T15:56:00.000-05:00

Bush Declares "we do not torture" but continues to fight McCain anti-torture legislation. Anyone else confused?

Dupont Italian Kitchen loosens patron's sphyncters. I wish I wasn't the primary source for this story.

Racially motivated rioting in France causes IHOP to reconsider the whole freedom toast idea.

Karl Rove continues to struggle with Denny's removal of the "moons over my-hammy" grand-slam breakfast special. On a related note, White House staffers are forced to attend ethics briefings.

Australia proves that they're capable of more than harassing animals (Steve Erwin is Australia's only citizen). They can bring down terrorist plots too!

Tupac gets props from Congress

2005-11-04T09:23:00.000-05:00

Tupac Shakur's gangster rap songs were filled with cryptic messages alluding to his imminent death, and his songs constantly voiced his desire to be remembered after his life. I would say that for the most part his wishes have come true. "Thug Life" posters fill dorm rooms, xxxl t-shirts are airbrushed with his likeness, I've seen a few 2pac tattoos, and even my mom can bust out a few lines of "Picture me rollin." So, just when I thought Tupac couldn't get more shout outs (oh yeah, I am hip with hip hop lingo), Georgia's Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney introduced H.R. 4210-To provide for the expeditious disclosure of records relevant to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Shakur.

(pictured: Tupac praying that the House of Representatives will recognize his hot tracks like "I get around" and "fuck the world")

Sorry folks, this isn't a joke. Yesterday, McKinney introduced a Tupac bill aimed at disclosing records of some sort. No press release is available about the nature of the bill, but I recommend that you call Cynthia McKinney's DC office and ask for more information, at (202) 226-0691. Specifically, I would ask for a staffer by the name of Seema Kareemi, a graduate of Palo Alto High School, who is most likely responsible for this amazing use of taxpayer funds. I would probably ask why, of all issues the Congresswoman could champion, she has chosen to advocate for a dead, convicted rapist. Don't get me wrong, I loved the guy's music, but if I was elected to Congress I would hope I had some better things to do...like disclose the records relevant to the life and death of Elvis Presley and the guy who played MacGuyver (he's dead right?).

Waterson "Crushed"

2005-11-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

(A disappointed Waterson has fallen into a downward spiral of booze and bad Nixon impersonations)

Yesterday's announcement that Samuel Alito Jr. will replace Harriet Miers on President Bush's SCOTUS wish list took quite the toll on television actor and fake prosecutor, Sam Waterson. Waterson, who has starred in the hearts and minds of the American people as an actor on NBC's Law and Order for the past thirty years, had high hopes of getting the nod from President Bush. His hopes were a direct result of the buzz created by my last post.

Waterson's judicial philosophy has been steady over his career. His belief is that in the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories (enter fat, jazzy bassline). However, Waterson's credentials lack in comparison to those of conservative Judge Alito who has been described as the anti-Miers (is this because he's circumcised and she isn't?) Waterson was quoted stating that he was "crushed and disappointed" that he will not replace retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the highest court in the land, but that he will continue to try cases ripped from the headlines on behalf of the people of NYC.

The staff here at Pick's Post is upset as well, mostly because we placed a fifty dollar wager in Vegas that Waterson would be the nominee. But don't worry because we're hoping to recover our losses on the bet we placed on Jimmy Smits to win the 2008 Presidential election.

Miers: A non-issue

2005-10-27T09:22:00.000-04:00

Harriet Miers officially withdrew her nomination to the Supreme Court this morning, claiming that her confirmation would provide a burden to the White House.

Several thoughts on this breaking news...

My bet is that the White House will use this news, and the ensuing new Supreme Court nominee to overshadow the impending indictments that will be announced later this week. Further, I am scared for our country. Miers was not defeated by Senate Democrats, but by conservative Republicans and his right-wing base who were worried that Miers did not possess a conservative judicial philosophy (remember, she loves gays). So, it seems obvious that the next nominee will be some sort of cross burning, coat hanger abortion-forcing, gay hater (albeit most likely more intelligent than Miers). It will be interesting to see if Bush can find another female nominee, or if he will abandon the gender issue completely. Bush may, in an effort to please females and conservatives, nominate an intelligent, conservative eunuch. I wonder if he has ever thought of nominating Sam Waterson, he's been a great NYC District Attorney for the past ten years or so...and I don't think he likes gays either.

(Waterson: the next nominee? Maybe, if he hates gays and tortures detainees)

Janet's Secret Baby

2005-10-25T14:32:00.000-04:00

Rumors are circulating that Janet Jackson may have an 18 year old "secret" child! The alleged child's uncle told a radio station that the girl has been living with Rebbie (worst abbreviation for Rebecca) Jackson, Janet's older sister who somehow failed at launching a career in Latoya's shadow. I am concerned about this claim and take it very seriously. We all know that Janet can't be trusted because she kept her eight-year marriage to Rene Elizondo a secret from the public until the couple divorced in 1999. However, Janet has also been the target of some pretty absurd rumors over the course of her career. For instance, I was told in high school that she had a metal plate inserted into her abs, and the other day I was told that she was dating the ugliest man in hip hop, Jermaine Dupri (someone tell me this is a lie). Additionally, I am getting news that nerds across the country are personally hurt that Jackson may have withheld her secret child because her Super Bowl performance is as far as they have ever been with a real live woman. On a more serious note, why do we care! Wait, I don't care...I just don't like being lied to, and nobody likes a liar...especially 18 year old girls whose mothers deny their existence.

(Pictured: artistic rendering of what a Jackson-Dupri child would look like)

Smart Choices, according to who?

2005-10-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

I bet you've seen the little green circle with the check mark on some of your favorite foods and beverages. The green circle (pictured left) usually includes a description of why the product is a smart choice to eat or drink. At first blush, I liked this concept. Choosing healthy food and beverages should be easier and more straightforward, and I assumed that the campaign was part of a government initiative. But later I became suspicious. Why weren't some of the healthiest products at the grocery store labeled as "smart choices," while KC Masterpiece Baked Lays and Gatorade were? So, I decided to do some investigating (aka looking at the website), and discovered that the whole program is a Pepsico marketing scheme.

I find the whole thing very misleading because nowhere on the smart choice label does it mention that it's a Pepsico initiative. Further, the website's only reference to its creator is a small insignia tucked away in the bottom corner of the page. The smart spot is tricky enough to fool consumers into believing that it is some sort of official endorsement and that all consumer products were eligible to recieve the smart spot. However, its true function is a Pepsico endorsement of its own products. They were able to create their own standards and thresholds for what determines a smart choice. This strikes me as a very Bush Administration-esque self-regulation policy (does this make sense to anyone else?)

(Gatorade: Is it in you? And if it is, is it making you fat?)

Let's look at one of their products that recieves the smart spot, Gatorade. Pepsico has done a great job marketing Gatorade as the drink of choice for athletes. Michael Jordan drank it, so it's probably suited for you too, right? Forget all of the rehydration, electrolyte replenishment rhetoric and call a spade a spade, Gatorade is sugar water and food coloring. Sugar water can serve an important nutritional purpose if you're participating in strenuous athletic activities, like a football or basketball game. But if you're downing a bottle of electric grape gatorade while reading this informative blog, it's just going to add empty calories to your diet. A 32 ounce bottle of gatorade has 200 calories and 56 grams of sugar. Of course, a bottle wouldn't tell you that because they consider a 32 ounce bottle as four servings, another tricky tactic used to by the food and beverage industry to skew their printed nutrition facts.

Many of you already know this, and probably wonder why I care. It's because I get the feeling that the smart spot endorsements will lead people, and more importantly parents, into believing that they now have a free pass to consume as much of these products as they want. Parents will load their kids up with Gatorade, Pepsi One, and Baked Lays, with the intention of being healthy, when in reality they're most likely passing up some of the healthiest, and mostly non-Pepsico, products available. So I guess the take away message is to keep vigilant at the grocery store, and uhh eat lil smokies.

Pickspost: The Lil Smokies Destination

2005-10-20T14:11:00.000-04:00

Google, or search on MSN for "lil smokies" and what do you get among many informative sites? This blog (for some reason Yahoo! gives me no love, maybe Bpicks can remedy this?)

Soon Pick's Post will be the 'lil smokies portal for lil' smokificianodas worldwide. Over a hundred people have already viewed the post on my desire for a lil' smoky resurgence, and now I think it's time to put my words into action. However, I can't do it without the help of my loyal readers. I need recipe ideas for the delectable miniature cocktail wieners. I already have one in the works that involves incorporating lil' smokies into a sushi roll, but I'm sure you guys have some creative recipes, just place your recipes in the comment section and we can move from there. I can't tell you how excited I am...with your help, I may be the #1 ranked lil' smokies site on all search engines! (Let's hope our recipes end up looking tastier than this lil smokies dish. Whatever is picture above looks sick.)

Trebek: Is he smart?

2005-10-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

Watching Jeopardy can really make you feel dumb. Every once in while a category will come up and you'll know some of the answers, like "Things that Rhyme with Orange," but then something like "Persian Rugs of the 18th Century" pops up on double Jeopardy and you feel like a dunce again. Something that added insult to injury is when they had a week of Jeopardy kids edition, and I was still more clueless than the Democratic leadership...ZING!

One thing that really bugs me is that Alex Trebek acts like he would have known the answers to all of the questions even if he didn't have the answers in front of his face. He can be a real condescending d-bag. So, I came up with a brilliant idea that I think could be a concept for a new annoying reality show (even though I was already told it was dumb I am going to share it with you). I say, take the hosts of game shows and place them in the game that they host. They will go head to head with other civilian contestants. So Pat Sajack will have to buy vowels, Alex Trebek will have to answer with questions instead of answers, and Marc Summers and his family will have to pull the red flag out of that huge novelty size snotty nose. I really think I'm on to something, and if that reality TV guru Mark Burnett steals my idea I'll either sue him, or I might let him opt for the physical challenge.

sitting on your ass makes you fat

2005-10-13T16:12:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not just being mean to sedentary individuals, I'm actually citing the research conducted by Duke University's Medical Center. These people came up with the astounding conclusion that moderate exercise reduces bellyfat and can prevent weight gain.

I have a problem with this "study." Was there ever any doubt that sitting on your butt all day would make you larger and the recipient of pet names like "big daddy" or "big dog"? I admit, I have used my blog as a tool to sound the obesity bell that seems to be constantly ringing in the heads of Americans these days. I did this because I think that it's a legitimate problem. But now I think it has gotten out of hand. Anything with the word "fat" or "obese" is all of the sudden big news. I don't see the point in funding studies to state the obvious, which are most likely aimed only at making headlines. As I imagine these people sitting around in white coats discussing their hypothesis for this groundbreaking study, I want to backhand their Stargate-watching faces. No, even worse, I want to backhand the people at Reuters who thought that this study was newsworthy! Money and resources should be allocated toward programs that make exercise attractive for individuals, and not toward studies that could have been conducted by an observation of my uncle's den (he sits a lot and is sometimes called big dog). So I will set the record straight, being sedentary makes you fat and unhealthy, try to find ways to integrate exercise and healthy nutrition into your daily life and you will be healthier. There, I didn't need a labcoat to come up with that one. So let's stop talking about how bad it is to be a big daddy, and let's start doing something to help makes the big dog clothing line a little less profitable.

Ashton: Officially a d-bag

2005-10-12T15:52:00.000-04:00

This is how I imagine this horrible concept was conceived.

Ashton: Honey, what should I wear on the most important day of our lives together?

Demi: Hmm, I want you to look like a complete blowhard, a blowhard with an Al Capone/Miami Vice theme.

Ashton: I was thinking massive tool, but Capone blowhard works too.

Rove sweating bullets

2005-10-12T14:55:00.000-04:00

...And that's not only because the man packs some heft. The President's top policy aide and personal confidant has already testified three times in the probe into whether an administration official deliberately leaked the identity of covert CIA operative Valerie Plame, whose husband is an administration critic. Rove has agreed to testify again, possibly this week, and prosecutors have told him they can no longer assure him he'll escape indictment.

While this is great news for Democrats who have demonized the man for his sleazy yet effective political "strategery," some are wondering how the President will survive without his main man, the peanut butter to his jelly, the Garfunkel to his Art, the cheese to his macaroni, the Robin to his Batman, and the syrup to his lil smokies. The AP stated that Karl Rove's fingerprints are all over everything at the White House, from politics to policy to the shape of
President Bush's entire career in government. Also, I may add that his fingerprint trail at the WH may also be a reflection of Rove's adoration for chili cheese fries (they're quite greasy).

Let's recap the White House treatment of the Rove scandal:

At first, the WH denied that Rove had been involved. Bush promised to fire anyone on his staff responsible for such a leak.

Later as the evidence against Rove began to accumulate, Bush reneged by saying that he would remove aides who committed "crimes" meaning that they would have to convict Rove before Bushie would remove him.

At a news conference last week, Bush declined to say whether he would remove an aide under indictment. On Tuesday, he told NBC's "Today" show: "I'm not going to talk about the case."

So, where does the WH stand on the whole debacle? Your guess is as good as mine. But without a doubt the loss of Bush's first mate to his Captain, the Sonny to his Cher, and the cream filling to his Oreo cookies would be a serious blow to an administration hurting at the polls and lacking any shred of dignity and credibility. I knew I should have voted for Kucinich in 2004.

Katrina hurts poor who can't get it up

2005-10-07T14:34:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to free up federal funds for Hurricane Katrina disaster relief, some lawmakers are trying to keep the needy from getting their chub on. The House of Represenatives passed a bill yesterday excluding erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra from medicare and medicaid prescription drugs benefits. The exlcusion of Bob Dole's favorite blue pill from medicaid and medicare will save the government $500 million that can be directed toward federal unemployment benefits for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Talk about robbing Peter (a limp Peter) to pay Paul. Why not reduce some of the huge tax cuts given to the wealthiest of Americans instead of those who want to engage in some simple hanky panky on the government's tab?

(Pictured: The Six Flags Guy, old but virile.)

Breaking News: Nominee Believes in Civil Rights!!

2005-10-04T13:25:00.000-04:00

Several reports have indicated that Harriet Miers has supported full civil rights for homosexuals and AIDS education in 1989. Bush must be blinking like a banchee (those who saw the 2004 presidential debates knows that Bush's reaction to stressful situations is to blink...most of the time in a banchee-like fashion). To see a hilarious video on Bush's speaking strategy, watch this movie.

Check out America Blog's story on Miers absurd belief in civil rights here, and the Drudge Report's story here. (I love that Matt Drudge thinks "full civil rights for gays" warrants a siren graphic, what a fascist.)

Health Study: Odds are that you will you get fat

2005-10-04T09:44:00.000-04:00

(Bob Barker, proof that not all old men get fat. He's fit as a fiddle at age 123)

A recently released study that followed 4,000 Caucasian Americans showed that 9 out of 10 men and 7 out of 10 women will become overweight. "Even those who made it to middle age without getting fat were not safe. Half of the men and women in the study who had made it well into adulthood without a weight problem ultimately became overweight. A third of those women and a quarter of the men became obese."

I think the study's results are far from surprising. Anyone with keen observation skills could tell you that as people get older, their bellies expand. I even argue that getting fat is part of the beauty of aging. When you get old don't you have the right to sit in your lazy boy armchair, eat bon bons and watch the Price is Right all day? What's more, as people age, they become less active due to health problems, so isn't it obvious that they will pack on some extra weight? When I'm a weathered and cantankerous old man I'm going to wear my gut with pride on America's beaches. I will lather SPF 50 on my stretched marked mid section and strut in front of the gray-haired fat women on the shore. Actually, writing this and picturing stretch marks on my stomach makes me want to throw up my morning coffee...so maybe when I'm old I'll lay off the bon bons, but if you think I won't watch the Price is Right, you have another thing coming. And don't worry, Bob Barker will still be alive when I'm 70, he sleeps in an anti-aging chamber.

2005-10-03T17:06:00.000-04:00

President Bush caught wondering how many beers it would take to make Miers do-able

Supreme Court rendered useless?

2005-10-03T10:50:00.000-04:00

The NY Times ran a story yesterday making the claim that even if the Supreme Court reversed the Roe v. Wade (the only case brought before the Supreme Court that the public cares about), it would be unlikely that the US would return to the day of back alley abortions. Specifically, a drug called Cyotec may provide a non surgical solution for unwanted pregnancies. The article is interesting, but my favorite part is the quote given by Norma McCorvey, who in 1973 was known as Jane Roe, the woman who brought the case that legalized abortion, but who has since argued for the reversal of the court's decision. In response to the discussion of Cyotec, McCorvey stated:

"When women start using these self-induced drugs, and start seeing body parts in their potty, they're going to go bananas. And it's going to be horrible."

"Potty" and "bananas" in the same sentence? I'm sorry, but please tell me that the reporter from the NY Times told you that the article was going to run in Highlights magazine.

...and the nominee is

2005-10-03T09:45:00.000-04:00

President Bush announced today that Harriet Miers is his choice to replace outgoing swing-voter Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. Miers, who has never served as a judge, currently serves in the Bush Administration as the White House Counsel, the personal lawyer to the President. She was the first woman to serve as president of the Texas State Bar and the Dallas Bar Association, and has known the President since the 1980s (also known as his Jack Daniels days). Since Miers has never ruled over a legal case, it will be difficult to determine her judicial philosophy. The lack of a judicial paper trail, something Democrats cited as reason to oppose recently confirmed Chief Justice Roberts who spent time as a federal judge, will definitely become a prominent issue as the confirmation process goes forward. Further, the nomination is a blatant example of the President's practice of rewarding loyalty (or cronyism for us critical thinkers). President Bush has served as a mentor and boss for Miers since his days as Texas governor, is it hard to imagine how she would have ruled in Bush V. Gore? Miers also worked under Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, so I can imagine the prisoner torture debate becoming an issue as well. The stealth nominee's stance on issues like abortion and gay rights remain unknown, but some are beginning to question the lifestyle choice of a woman who is 60 years old, unmarried and has a affinity for bowl cuts (that was completely unfair, untrue, and unfunny...sorry). I will provide more details on the nominee as soon as they reach my desk (aka when cnn.com posts more articles). Until then, I have provided a photo of Sandra Day O'Connor's reaction to the appointment.

Bring your vest to the Sunshine State

2005-09-30T10:09:00.000-04:00

The Brady Campaign to Control Gun Violence doesn't want you to get a cap busted in your ass next time you visit Disneyworld. That's why they have produced this warning across the world to individuals who may visit Florida. The warning is in response to the "Stand your Ground" or "Shoot First" law, which permits Florida residents to shoot you if you give them the evil eye. Well, there are probably some more details involved, but in short, the NRA loves it, so you should probably watch yourself.

Under the previous law, gun owners had to first attempt to withdraw and avoid a confrontation, and were authorized to shoot the threatening individual inside their home or property. So I guess this new law allows people to instigate confrontations in public and when things get heated, you can legally bust out your piece and unload. I'm sweating bullets just thinking about it (bullets, get it?) . This law seems completely out of control. Floridians can't even count votes, should they be trusted with the right to shoot at will? I'm not sure how I feel about the international scope of the campaign though. I mean every Euro thinks we're a gun crazy country anyways, is it really necessary to rub it in their faces? Either way, approach Mickey Mouse with care, I hear he's strapped, and with the law on his side, I doubt he's afraid to shoot.

Fiber: overrated, but stool talk is humorous

2005-09-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

An article in Tuesday's New York Times suggests that research hasn't really proven that diet can prevent certain forms of cancer. Specifically, the article mentions the theory that high fiber diets can prevent colon cancer may be unfounded. While explaining the high fiber diet, the article has one of the more graphic descriptions of poo that I've ever read in print. While colon cancer is no joke, I am still convinced that references to "bulky stool" are indeed hilarious.

"The fiber hypothesis had enormous appeal. Carcinogens from food can end up in stool. But when people eat a lot of fiber, their stool is bulkier and so carcinogens would be diluted. Bulkier stool is also excreted faster, reducing the time that the colon is in contact with cancer-causing substances. Fiber also binds bile acids in the bowel, substances that can damage the colon and, possibly, result in cancer. "

2005-09-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

Is it me, or is the blurry man in the back row with the brown suit incredibly attractive?

Brokeback Mountain

2005-09-22T14:49:00.000-04:00

Critics are praising Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain, starring two of the dreamiest dreamsters in Hollywood, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. Lee, known for directing the Incredible Hulk and Sense and Sensibility is pushing the American film norms. The movie tells the story of two cowboys, riding horses and making out. Yes, it's a gay love story, and it will be hitting America's big screens this Fall. Is America ready for this film? To tell you the truth, it doesn't matter, we should be. If we can have films that display the love between two married spies who have to kill each other (that crappy Brad Pitt movie that I hope you didn't pay $9 to see), why shouldn't we have a movie that deals with a far more realistic and serious love between two men? I guess the real question is, how long will it take for this movie to come under attack by the "family values" inspired Gonzales porn squad? Oh and in case you're wondering, the title of the film doesn't make me giggle...not at all.

They like me, they really like me

2005-09-22T08:54:00.000-04:00

Hey look, I got some attention for my pro-porn agenda.

Alberto Gonzales hates freedom

2005-09-20T16:33:00.000-04:00

That is if you consider pornography freedom, which most people do. The Washington Post reported today that the FBI is launching a "porn squad" to enforce Federal Anti-Obscenity laws (sorry pervs, the FBI is only recruiting current employees). According to the article, the new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

(How can a man with a mustache like that be anti-porn?)

You know Gonzales' "top priority" of curbing pornography lacks logic when an unnamed FBI agent said "I guess this means we've won the war on terror." Really, who cares that our troops in Iraq don't have armored vehicles and Osama Bin Laden is vacationing in Pakistan? We will all be able to sleep at night knowing that our tax dollars are being invested in the irradication of pornography involving bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior. Well, except for those poor souls who can only fall asleep after watching a dog and a chick, and for them, may God have mercy on their souls.

Bar Wig

2005-09-19T09:54:00.000-04:00

As we approach the last days of Summer, my mind is looking forward to the chilly months to come. After experiencing one full Winter on the East Coast, I have realized that Fall and Winter mean many things. It means wearing scarves for utility, not fashion (people who wear scarves in California are chumps). It means showing up to work with nose running and feet frostbitten. It means wearing a coat, a thick wool one every day

Last Winter, I learned about a phenomenon called the "bar coat." You see, DC is still in the dark ages. People (white trash) are free to light up a Virginia Slim and blow it in your face at your favorite bar, nightclub, and restaurant. The outcome? Smelly clothes, skin, and hair. So, people who value the quality of their scent have "bar coats." This is a cheap coat that you can wear to a bar and not worry about it smelling like the Marlboro Man when you stumble home. Furhter, having a bar coat allows you to avoid the dreaded coat check, so you don't have to tip another d-bag on your road to inebriation. I was skeptical about the whole bar coat idea, but I will definitely purchase one this Fall.
However, bar coats are just the tip of the iceberg. So what if you prevent your nice Winter coat from getting stanky, your hair still smells like your Uncle Leroy's den (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...your uncle Leroy was practically a father to you). So, unless you enjoy making your linens and pillows have that savory dirty French prostitute aroma, you are likely to take a shower before you pass out. The solution? The bar wig! I wish I could take credit for this one, but the idea ocurred to my girlfriend when, after a long night, my golden strands of gelled hair smelled like ash and tar. However, I think I may be the first person to actually wear one. The bar wig is exactly what you think it is...a protective shield for your precious locks. Not only will the bar wig protect your hair better than the pro-vitamins found in Pantene Pro-V, but it will also allow you to mix up your hairstyle and color. I am considering marketing these stylish smoke resistant wigs in the near future, so place your orders now. Between the bar coat and wig, I think I will be prepared for the Winter drinking season ahead.

Confirmation hearing photo journal

2005-09-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, I admit it, I have gone a little picture crazy this afternoon. But since I sifted through a bunch of confirmation hearing photos this morning I figured I might as well share them. I can't imagine sitting in front of a group of crotchety Senators for a eleven hours and having to answer their questions. To John Robert's credit, I thought he handled the grilling quite eloquently. Pictured below are photos of the few times Roberts cracked.

Like when he threatened to eat Dianne Feinstein's children....

And when the Roberts couple displayed visible concern after Senator Leahy questioned the judge about his beanie baby fetish.

Then, after a bean-laden lunch recess, Roberts lost all control and dignity when he let one loose during Ted Kennedy's questioning. I guess I should give him a break, stress can make you gassy.

Then John Roberts was challenged to an evil staring competition with Arlen Specter. Specter cracked Roberts by re-enacting the dance he performs on Six Flags commercials.

Then Roberts scolded his son and told him that if he didn't stop squirming that he would turn this confirmation hearing around. His adorable son was completely unfazed by the empty threat.

Is Arlen Specter the creepy Six Flags guy?

2005-09-14T11:43:00.000-04:00

I am definitely going to hell for this one

Too Funny

2005-09-14T10:54:00.000-04:00

President Bush had to cut his vacation in Crawford short, in reaction to Katrina (tear). But it doesn't look like that stopped him from having a little fun with his Pa while surveying the damage in New Orleans.

Bush Family: Compassionate Conservatives?

2005-09-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

If you've been living in a bubble for the last week, this is what Babrara Senior had to say about the lucky Katrina evacuees living in the Astrodome.

The new retro

2005-09-13T14:34:00.000-04:00

While perusing a posh stationary store in Georgetown last weekend I came across something a bit odd. Next to their selection of novelty sushi erasers they were selling Stripes Fruit Striped gum...The one with that wacky mulit-colored zebra on the pack. Why was this up for sale at a trendy store? Because it's retro. Things that remind you of childhood are being sold at retailers like Urban Outfitters and chic boutiques across the country for a premium price. Smart businesspeople are cashing in on our nostalgia, even for crappy gum that loses its flavor almost instantaneously (this did not stop me from begging for it every time I was in the grocery store checkout aisle). So, in an effort to get a step ahead of the nostalgia peddlers I am going to predict the next items that will be "retro" and purchased by twenty somethings who wish to regain that little piece of childhood. I may even market some myself....

1) Velcro Shoes: I know I am not the only one who wore these technological footwear marvels for a bit too long (tying shoes is harder than it looks, lay off). However, velcro shoes or "zips" as I once referred to them, are no longer stylish. In fact, they have been relegated to use solely by geriatrics and the mentally impaired. This is not acceptable, and my bet is that these will make an amazing comeback. The only caveat is that the skin tone color will not make a comeback, because those were never stylish and if I see a non-geriatric/mentally impaired individual wearing them, I will scold them for such a retro fashion crime.

2) Rollerblades: Who didn't have a pair of these amazing rollerskate replacements? (kids who were poor and lived on steep hills?) But for the non-poor, flat land children, rollerblades were an integral facet of growing up. It's been too long since I've skinned up my knees while attempting to perform an expert level move like a "T-stop." If you thought 'blades never went out of style (this applies to many sleeveless Dupont Circle skaters), shame on you! These folks are not allowed to strap them on now in the name of retro. The rollerblades that will be accepted as retro will be neon, most like the "Zetra" (pictured) or "Lightening" models. Models with straps in lieu of laces will not be accepted as retro and you will be scolded by the retro police if you adorn them on your stinky feet.

3) Squeeze its: They came in an oily plastic bottle, tasted like crap, but you loved them anyways. I am sure that these beverages, popular for organized sports snack time, will be on Urban Outfitter shelves in no time. Despite the bad taste, squeezing a bottle with cartoon faces on it was absolutely amazing. In fact, you can sign a petition to General Mills here requesting the return of the fun and fruity beverage. Capri Sun is not another retro beverage because they never went out of style, and I continue to pack them in my sack lunch. However, I may allow you to drink Capri Suns in the name of retro if you put the straw in the bottom, because that's just bad ass.

4) Smelly Markers:

Mom: Why is your nose red?
Son: Because the red marker smells like strawberries dammit!

Do they still sell these? I wish I had some now. I hope a generation of youth is not growing up without these delicious coloring tools. Beware: the black pen smells like butt.

5) Oregon Trail: "Your family died of dysentery," "Cousin Joey died of starvation." These are both heartwarming examples of lines from the hit computer game Oregon Trail. Whether you were tech savvy and had the color version, or were forced to play the dot matrix version on an old Macintosh like me, everybody has fond memories of the simulated voyage to gold country. Not only is the game retro and will most likely be sold for palm pilots and cell phones, but I foresee a huge Oregon Trail inspired clothing line. Call me crazy, but I see big money here.

I know i've left out a lot, and feel free to suggest some other retro predicitions, just don't post about laser hair removal like the spammer in my last post, or ill track you down and cyberslap you.

Barry's Back

2005-09-12T12:31:00.000-04:00

(pictured: Barry disappointedly gazes at Giants senile manager Felipe Alou after Alou informed Barry that they will have to special order a hat to fit his huge dome)

For those of you who don't care about baseball and whose version of watching sports is limited to watching American Gladiator re-runs on the USA Network, I guess you can stop reading. But for those of you with taste in the finer things, I'm going to comment on the return of one of baseball's best and most controversial players, Barry. By the way, how sweet would it be to be so famous that people only have to say your first name?

Anyways, the slugger is slated to enter the lineup for the Giants for the first time this season after undergoing three surgeries on his knee this year, and major league baseball couldn't ask for better news. So what if the guy has one of the biggest human heads in captivity (literally and figuratively), he still makes baseball exciting. The Giants need this...I mean I could have pitched for the team this season. As a fan, it was sad that the only time the team made national headlines was when a radio commentator made racial slurs in reference to their lackluster play. So fans, here is our chance, and Barry will deliver. Before the season ends, he will hit homeruns, and people will continue to debate whether or not he deserves to be held among the greatest non-genetically modified baseball players of the past, and these discussions are good. I think it is fairly obvious that Barry did take performance enhancing drugs, but this season and the seasons to come, Barry will be natural...and he will still play great baseball. People will boo and shout insults, but when he smacks balls into McCovey Cove, chills will run down spines and people will realize that despite all of his faults, he is what he is, a great baseball player with a huge head.

Soccer Hooligan Movie Looks Dumb

2005-09-07T12:11:00.000-04:00

I must apologize to the three people who check this website for updates regularly. My lack of activity is a result of the tragedies on the Gulf Coast. I didn't think it was appropriate to make fun of people at a time of such sadness. But now that things are getting a little better, I think it's safe to begin to lighten up and offend people once again.

This summer has to be one of the worst for moviegoers. The only decent Summer movies were Wedding Crashers, 40 Year old Virgin, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I even made the mistake of seeing Red Eye last weekend, and aside from the antagonist getting stabbed in the throat with a pencil, the movie was wretched. A twelve year-old immigrant from Bahrain could have written a better screenplay. Unfortunately, my forecast for Fall films doesn't look much better.

(who would want to approach this kid with the wrong colored soccer jersey on?)

While at Red Eye, I saw a preview for a movie called Green Street Hooligans starring that wuss Elijah Wood from the nerdfest of the century, Lord of the Rings. From what I could understand from the preview, the movie is about a kid who gets kicked out of Harvard, goes to the UK and joins a soccer gang. Wood's character then becomes a hardcore soccer hooligan and fights other soccer hooligans with their fists and medieval weaponry (that is all that is available for troubled youth across the pond). I'm sure he discovers himself through his fellow gangmate's passion for a soccer club, maybe meets a hot Brit, eats some fish and chips, and then returns to America with a new outlook on life.

Let me begin by saying that the premise in this movie is completely implausible because Elijah Wood could get his butt served by the same twelve year-old immigrant from Bahrain who could have written Red Eye. Second, the idea of glorifying these tea-drinking hooligans for fighting over a soccer match is idiotic for many reasons. First, Americans don't like soccer, and they surely can't imagine being passionate about such a boring sport. Second, we're a country with films like Boyz 'n the Hood (and if you're really old school like me Colors), it's going to be hard to get moved by a bunch of white teenagers getting in fist fights while wearing silly, ugly colored soccer jerseys. They should have made the movie about the Raider Nation. Those fans are absolutely insane. But they probably shouldn't have made the movie at all because violent sports fans suck. Glorifying people who fight people because they like an opposing sports team ruins everything amazing about sports. Who wants to get stabbed at their next trip to the ballpark by some kid who got riled by an Elijah Wood movie about soccer? I would rather get stabbed by a kid who had mistaken me for a rival Hobbit, but I'm weird like that.

Wish List

2005-08-31T16:03:00.000-04:00

Well it's that time of the year folks. The time when it's no longer fashionable to wear white, and the time when the monumental occasion of my birth is celebrated. So, in honor of no longer being allowed to wear that sweet white Miami Vice-Tommy Bahama linen suit you've been rocking all summer, I have created my ultimate birthday wish-list. These are things that I asked for every year as a child, but never seemed to receive.

1) Power Wheel

I don't know many kids who didn't beg for these mini-automobiles every x-mas and b-day. They can reach speeds of up to 2.5mph, and deluxe models were equipped with novelty phones! I always wanted the Jeep, I guess because I was the outdoorsy type. Aside from the hefty price tag, I never received this present because there was a morbidly obese child who lived up the street who had one. My mother claims she was afraid that I would never leave my power wheel and become a tubster like him. I think she simply didn't love me.

What I actually got: Self-propelled Big Wheel

2) Go-Kart/Dirt Bike

Who cares that I lived in suburbia throughout my childhood and had no where to play with these vehicles? I wanted a dirtbike dammit. I was willing to compromise with what seemed to me like a far safer form of recreational transportation; a go-kart. I'm not sure what the allure was with these white trash toys, but ask most boys and they would tell you that at some point they were on their wish lists too. Despite many promises, I never received either of these potentially lethal gifts. My mom tells me that I should be thankful I never got this gift, because if I had, right now I would be sporting a mullet, eating Slim Jims and dating a girl from Kansas.

What I actually got: Huffy 5-Speed (assembled at home to avoid Toys R Us' extra $10 assembly fee)

3) Puppy

"But mom, I swear I'll walk it and clean up the poop every day!" These were lies. Let's admit it, puppies are cute for like three days and then they eat your valuables and you want to kick them.

What I actually got: Tamagochi (or if your parents were cheap, the generic Nanopet)

4) My Buddy

To this day I don’t know whether it was my lack of human friends or the catchy theme song, but I wanted one real bad. However, in retrospect the whole idea is a little creepy. “Wherever you go, he goes”? I had a hard enough time making friends as a child, the last thing I needed was a stuffed stalker following me everywhere.

What I actually got: Care Bear (lay off, they were unisex toys)

These were just a few of the gifts I never received as a child that continue to torment me at almost 22 years of age. Even though I never managed to get these sweet toys, I guess I turned out okay. I have a hit blog that even Dane Cook reads (I love you NRB) and I know some people who aren’t too ashamed to hang out with me on a regular basis.

In the spirit of my birthday, please list the toys you never got as a child in the comments section. I know I’m not the only one who wanted the Barbie dream house.

SJSU Hearts Katrina

2005-08-30T12:52:00.000-04:00

(Pictured: Prominent San Jose politicians celebrate San Jose and its lack of hurricanes)

The Saints were far from the Superdome when hurricane Katrina swept through Louisiana yesterday. Yep, the big mean men of New Orleans were where every refuge-seeking football team should be...San Jose, California. While Creole baby marmalades were floating down city streets, the Saints were frolicking at the Tech Museum, and perhaps learned a thing or two about mummies at San Jose's world famous Egyptian Museum. And the best part of all? San Jose State made five thousand dollars in the process. According to the Associated Press, the Saints used the University's football facilities and in return bought $5,000 worth of tickets to San Jose State's season opener against Eastern Washington University. The Saints have pledged to give the tickets to needy children in the area who like to watch football in empty stadiums (nobody goes to their games).

But the people of New Orleans shouldn't be upset at the Saints for retreating to sunny California. Cornerback Jimmy Williams assured that the fans taking refuge at the Superdome were on his mind when he said,

"Where did they leave their car parked because it's probably going to be underwater because of the flood to alligators in your house."

Yes folks, this further reinforces the notion that football players lack the smarts (except for Steve Young because he's related to Brigham Young and lives in Palo Alto). Not only was Williams' statement utter nonsense, but was it really necessary to enter alligators into the mix? It's bad enough that all of these poor people's belongings are soaked, but now they have to fear man-eating animals in their houses.

For more nonsense related to 'gators, see my take on Carlito in LA

Lil Smokies: Where have you been?

2005-08-29T14:43:00.000-04:00

(Pictured above: the delicious miniature weenies, and the hand of an unidentified married male)

Today I embark on a mission...a mission of great importance. I am determined to bring delectable "Lil Smokies" back into the mouths and palates of the American people. These cocktail weenies have fallen from the forefront of American culinary catalogue. They have been relegated to a small section of the cased meats at your local supermarket, and that is simply unacceptable. Until I attend five cocktail parties in a row where Lil Smokies are served, I will remain the unofficial ambassador and #1 Lil Smoky fan. The internet chatter about this under-appreciated food makes me hopeful that some day I will be able to bring Lil Smokies into the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere.

Here is just a taste of what is available for Smokie fans on the internets:

Courtesy of J, here is a link containing Lil Smoky recipes

"Randyman" posted a comment on rateitall.com which read: "I love them Lil' Smokies, especially with some good BBQ sauce. This makes an excellent appertizer."

Queen Motifah was excited about a new Lil Smokie recipe

And according to the menu posted online, Westmark Elementary served Lil Smokies with Mac n' Cheese last Valentine's Day.

Name the baby panda

2005-08-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

Washington DC's National Zoo is giving the panda-loving public an opportunity to name the baby giant panda. Voters can choose from five different panda names on the zoo's website, they include:

Hua Sheng (hwah-SHUNG), means China Washington, magnificent
Sheng Hua (SHUNG-hwah), means Washington China, magnificent
Tai Shan (tie-SHON), means peaceful mountain
Long Shan (lohng-SHON), means dragon mountain
Qiang Qiang (chee-ONG chee-ONG), means strong, powerful

I was disappointed that pandaficianodas like myself are limited to choose from the five pre-determined selections, and not given the opportunity to come up with their own unique names. These are the names I would have recommended for the cub (I don't know Chinese, so I made up my own language):

Sans Libido, means pandas are lame prudes that don't procreate
Test Tube McGee, means panda is a product of artificial insemination and a genetic freak
Carl Hungus, means...well it doesn't mean anything, it's just a sweet name
Waste O' Mula, means that his parents were loaned from China for $10 million and the cub will be returned to China at the age of 2

Okay I lied, I'm not a pandaficianado. In fact, I hate the pandas because when I saw them at the zoo they had their backs turned to us. It was so rude. What's the point of spending millions on animals that don't even put on a show and then having to send them back to China? The primates in the ape house seem to have no problem entertaining, and I think they cost about three yuan. The day that pandas perform chimptastic feats like going between two buildings on an "o-line" like the orangutans, will be the day that pandas will get my endorsement. But until then, I think the prudes are over-priced and overrated.

Nice try Frenchies, but I'm not buying it

2005-08-24T09:31:00.000-04:00

It's one thing when I smear the name of cycling god Lance Armstrong by insinuating that he used performance enhancing drugs, but it's another when the French paper L'Equipe runs a story claiming that Armstrong used steroids during his 1999 Tour de France victory. (It's different when I did it, because I never claimed to have proof, plus I'm American). L'Equipe's story claims that a urine sample taken from Armstrong in 1999 tested positive for EPO, a popular performance enhancing drug among cyclists. As disheartening as this story may seem, I think one must look at the facts of the situation before rushing to judgment.

1) The urine sample that tested positive for EPO has not been verified by the laboratory that conducted the test as Armstrong's. In fact, the lab noted that the samples were anonymous, bearing only a six-digit number to identify the rider, and could not be matched with the name of any one cyclist.

2) Standard scientific procedure for doping tests is that two samples are taken, an A sample and a B sample. This is done in order to verify the results of the testing. In Armstrong's case, there is no B sample to verify the positive test.

3) The French paper that made the doping claim has a storied history of "hatin." After his seventh Tour victory, L'Equipe ran a story that said, "Never to such an extent, probably, has the departure of a champion been welcomed with such widespread relief." (Talk about crappy journalism...how can you make a bold statement like that and then retreat by saying "probably" afterward?)

Armstrong immediately called the allegations "tabloid journalism" and a "witch-hunt," and I am forced to agree with him. I guess our smelly friends in France don't believe in innocent until proven guilty, or burden of proof. The source and facts of the story are clearly in question. The French press is obviously bitter that Lance, a proud American, dominated the crap out of their little bike ride for seven years. Plus, the lab that conducted the test won't even come out and say it was Lance's piss! But that didn't stop the Tour de France Director (a bitter Frenchman) from making the irresponsible claim that the results were "scientific fact" that Lance used the drugs in 1999 and that Lance owes the public an explanation. Sorry Pierre, but just because the claim was made in a blatantly bias periodical in no way means that it is a fact. Lance owes the public nothing until accusers come up with evidence that could at least hold up on Judge Judy.

Granted, Lance has been accused of doping in the past, but these new results in no way prove that he took performance enhancing drugs. If anything, the story proves that the French cyclist community is a bunch of whining, mayo-on-fries eating chumps. Now that this claim has been made haters are hoping to brush off Lance's achievements as products of cheating in an attempt to reassert Euro reign in the sport.

I am not saying that Lance did not cheat by using drugs, but until more substantial evidence is brought forth, I will consider him innocent and a victim of Freedom-haters. If I was Lance, I would come out of retirement, submit to every test known to man and win the race one more time. Then, I would change the race's name to the "Tour de Freedom," because I love America that damn much.

Dane: Popular but still funny

2005-08-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

(lame cover art, but a worthy purchase nonetheless)

When people are fans of something on the ground floor, they tend to get a little weird when that something becomes popular. Case in point, I was a huge fan of O-Town, back when they did their stuff with an independent record company, but when they got signed to a major label and the pre-teens began to flock to them, I called them sellouts and burnt all of my O-Town records and paraphernalia. However, I have come to the realization that this is no way for a true fan to behave. As long as the artist stays true to their craft, and the quality of their work is still good, they deserve to become popular and should be enjoyed by others.

So, now that Dane Cook has officially hit the big time, I refuse to get mad or possessive. Yes, I was a Dane fan before many knew of his BAMF stage presence and piss your pants stand-up. I'm okay with the fact that the NY Times ran a story about him, and that his Myspace friends are way hotter than mine. I am happy that his new CD "Retaliation" has reached mega popularity, and I am even willing to ignore the incredibly cheesy cover art on the CD + DVD because it kicks so much ass (except the tense moment when he scolds an annoying audience member...I'm still recovering from the awkwardness). I just hope this his heightened fame will land him better roles than his appearance in the upcoming film "Waiting"starring Van Wilder and the kid from the First Jeepers Creepers movie. I saw the preview for the movie and it looks wretched, but I could be wrong.

NY Park Hurts Visitor's GI System

2005-08-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

Public parks seem to be dangerous places this summer. If the alligator in LA's Machado Lake wasn't enough to scare you indoors, the NY Times reported today that a public water playground at Seneca Lake State Park has made nearly a thousand New York residents sick. Oddly enough, the sickness was not a reaction to pre-teens in their ill-fitting bathing suits (such an awkward stage), but from a water supply tainted with a bacteria called cryptosporidiosis, or "crypto" for bacteria buffs. The 'Times said the bacteria is known to be one of the most frequent causes of traveler's diarrhea. So I guess the food at Tono Sushi, located in DC's Woodley Park neighborhood, isn't the only thing that will make your bum explode...water parks can do it too!

Blogger lies to his vast reading public

2005-08-18T11:40:00.000-04:00

Upon further research, I found this alternate article about the LA gator (full article found below). It seems that the crew was hired from an Alligator farm in Colorado, thus debunking my LA gator-catcher theory. However, I still stand by my assumption that the gator wrangler pays for things solely in Marlboro points, and that his mom lives in a trailer and invested in beanie babies. I felt that since I have a reputation to uphold that it was only appropriate for me to admit my fact checking shortfall. I can only hope that I haven't lost your trust forever, and I plan on slowly winning you back with photos of my family with our beanie baby collection, like this one.

Carlito Wreaks Havoc in LA

2005-08-18T10:54:00.000-04:00

Machado Lake in Los Angeles has been plagued with an unwanted inhabitant for weeks, an Alligator named "Carlito," or if you're anglo, "Harbor Park Harry." The city wrestled with the gator unsucessfully for weeks, and was forced to bring in gator specialist Jay Young. Young, who charges $800- a day for his gator removal services was unable to wrangle the gator for two days in a row. Yesterday he had to leave the scene sans gator at 10am because he had a "previous committment." City officials said that once the gator is captured it would be held in the zoo for 90 days (as punishment?)

This story upsets me not because there is a alligator in Los Angeles, but because there is an "aligator specialist" in LA who charges $800- a day! Of course the guy isn't going to catch the animal in first day, he needs to milk this opportunity for all it's worth. Chances are he won't get another gator removal call for the next ten years. In fact, I would bet that he was the person who put the deadly flesh-eating animal in the lake in the first place. The "previous committment' that Young had to attend to was most likely a trip to his mother's trailer to tell her that the LA gator business was not a waste of hard-earned Marlboro points (gator wrangler's only form of currency) like she had repreatedly told him, and that his investment in a gator-catching boat was better than her investment in beanie babies in 1998.

Roberts Says no to Michael Jackson

2005-08-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

Many questions have been posed since President Bush nominated John G. Roberts to the Supreme Court last month. Can his son cut a mean rug? (I think we all know the answer to this one.) Where does he stand on abortion rights? Why did he omit information about his lobbying activities? While some of these questions may never receive adequate responses, the Washington Post has uncovered the answer to one of the most important questions that should be asked of Judge Roberts...How do you feel ab out the King of Pop? For those of you too lazy to click on the link to read the full article, I will give you the breakdown. While working for Ronald Reagan, Roberts wrote memos which recommended that the White House refrain from offically thanking MJ for charitable activities, despite requests from the pop star's PR camp. In fact, his sarcastic memo even cited Bruce Springsteen, which is pretty awesome if you appreciate the Boss like I do (and you should.) I think this newly uncovered document sheds some positive light on the nominee. Even twenty years before the crotch grabbing, jesus juice-serving pop star encountered his legal troubles, Roberts knew Reagan was better off not giving the perv an endorsement. My new question posed for the American public is, how can you care about where Roberts stands on Roe v. Wade after we know that he shot down Captain Eo?

Governor Amstrong?

2005-08-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

(Pictured below: Lance Armstrong tramples a helpless Euro in pink spandex)

After winning a record seven straight Tour de France victories, the man in the yellow jersey and trendy bracelet has declared his retirement. So what will this real American hero do with his newly acquired free time? It seems that after dropping a few hints, there is some speculation that Armstrong might run for Texas governor. Here are several reasons why I believe this is a grand idea:

1) Arnold has proven that steroid use does not hurt a gubernatorial bid
2) Armstrong left his wife for a hot rock star (Sheryl Crow)- if this doesn't reek of a politician, I'm not sure what does.
3) He looks good in spandex
4) Lance hasn't voted in at least seven years- who better to lead a state than someone who doesn't actively participate in politics.
5) He has no affiliation with a political party- see #4
6) His cheesy campaign slogan could be something cycle-oriented like, "Lance in 2010, it's time to change gears." Or his slogans could employ references to my favorite and most deadly toy, Stretch Armstrong.
7) Bicycling is very Euro- and I always wanted black denim shorts to make a comeback here in the states.

Listen Lance, since I know you're an avid reader of my blog, I feel I should give you some advice. Arnold's failings in California is proof that just because your calves have more definition than a dictionary does not mean that you have any business in politics. Texas is probably better off if you stick to profitting from your cancer survival.

The Aristocrats: will the joke get old?

2005-08-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

With the President chopping wood in Crawford, and Congress out of session, it seems like there is little to blog about today (that sounded so lame). But while perusing the internets, I came across a few articles on the new movie, The Aristocrats. Sorry Disney fans, this is not a movie about our beloved Aristocats. Instead, it's a 90 minute film about different comedians giving their take on an old Vaudeville joke.

Unfamiliar with "The Aristocrats" joke, I decided to some research on it. The aim of the joke is to use the scenario of a family visiting a talent agent as a tool to be as crude and disgusting as possible. The joke ends in the unfunny punchline, "The Aristocrats." The film will have big time celebrities telling their own version of the classic joke, but I am not sure how funny it will be. The Wickipedia example involves a lot of fart and excrement humor, and we all know that nothing is funnier than that...I suggest you check out some examples of the joke on the internet, and let me know what you think (note: the joke is not for the faint of heart, i.e. squares). Regardless, I'm going to see the movie because I'd never miss the opportunity to hear Danny Tanner make references to beastiality.

Brits insecure about bulge

2005-08-10T16:50:00.000-04:00

A British group titled "Magic Numbers," refused to play on a BBC television show after the presenter introduced them by saying "What do you get when you put two brothers and sisters in a band? A big fat melting pot of talent." A freudian slip, or completely inane reference? You be the judge.

My bet is that these dirty hippies overreacted, and need to relax...well that, and take a shower...oh, and get haircuts too (I would recommend a bowl cut for the chick in the front, that 'do isn't doesn't doing her justice.)

Yankees fan shows poor judgment

2005-08-10T10:50:00.000-04:00

Last night at Yankee stadium, 18 year old Scott Harper decided to jump from the upper deck on to a net behind home plate. The forty-foot fall left Harper a bit woozy, but he proceeded to climb up the net back to the upper deck where police were awaiting his arrival. Friends told police that Harper wanted to test whether the net would hold his weight.

Aside from causing a four minute game delay, Harper's actions demonstrated some of the worst decision making imaginable, and his parents should be more ashamed of their son than if he had appreciated the sensational sitcom Baywatch for its plot. The kid doubted whether or not the net would hold his brainless body before he jumped, and then jumped anyways to test his hypothesis...Hats off to you Scott Harper, your dedication to the scientific method is astonishing.

Korean man dies nerdy death

2005-08-09T16:15:00.000-04:00

A South Korean man identified only as Lee died today after playing fifty straight hours of video games. The 28 year old man died of exhaustion most likely a result of his bender at an internet cafe in Taegu. A man of true dedication, Lee recently quit his job so that he could devote more of his time to play online battle-simulation games. Let this be a lesson to those of you who think it's safe to camp out at an internet cafe for fifty hours and play video games...because it's obviously not.. I refuse to let Lee die in vain, and will now restrict my Snood benders to thirty hours. For those of you unfamiliar with Snood, consider yourself lucky.

Snoop officially loses street cred

2005-08-09T10:32:00.000-04:00

This Saturday Calvin Broadus, also known as Snoop Dogg, will appear in a Chrysler commercial with former Chrysler CEO Lee Iacocca. Snoop will peddle the car manufacturer's new employee discount while riding alongside the geriatric Iacocca in a golf cart with spinning chrome wheels. Chrysler adds to the monumental list of products Mr. Snoop has chosen to endorse.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a little hard to remain "gangsta" while hawking satellite radios, burgers, cell phones, and video games? I remember the good old days of the Gin and Juice video when Snoop kinda scared me. Something about the blurred pot leaf hat, his stoic face, and all of those forty ounces in the fridge would make me think twice about approaching the man on the street. But now even my mom knows that he spells his name "D-O double G" and when I asked my grandpa if he liked the sweater I gave him for Christmas, he said "fo-shizzle." I still wouldn't approach Snoop on the street, but not because I'd be afraid of getting capped in the knee. I wouldn't want to talk to him because I would have to listen to him tell me that P.T. Cruisers are the best "carizzles" and that my cell phone provider is "whackizzle." This guy's blog blames Snoop's inability to turn down an endorsement deal on his agent. Either way, if you run out and buy a crappy Chrysler because Snoop endorses them, you will not be a thug, you will be is a P.T. Loser. (that one will never get old)

Jurors Plan to Profit on Pedophilia

2005-08-08T16:44:00.000-04:00

Two jurors from the Michael Jackson child molestation case will appear on television tonight to discuss how they regret their decision to let the totally pervy pop star moonwalk out of the Santa Barbara courthouse a free man. This 79 year old woman (pictured left, laughing her way to the bank) said that her fellow jurors "ought to be ashamed. They're the ones that let a pedophile go."

As obvious from the photograph this grandma is insane and must suffer from dementia. Umm excuse me oldie olson, but weren't you one of the people who should be ashamed? You let the guy go too, and now you're planning on profiting from it. And we all know that you're not going to write a word of the book on your own, you'll have a ghostwriter do it, most likely R.L Stine (that guy who wrote those horrible Goosebumps books) and it will definitely suck, because you and the other imbecile who is going to be on TV are self-promoting dregs, plus R.L. Stine's ending, where MJ ends up being a ghoul, is totally inappropriate. It's too late for regrets, you and the ten other idiots blew it and let this pervert free so stop showing up on TV and go back to the hole you came from.

White Trash Justice

2005-08-08T13:54:00.000-04:00

Follow around Britney all day and you'll get capped in the leg with a BB gun.

Remember when Britney Spears was hot? Yea, me neither.

Florida Woman should be Grounded

2005-08-04T10:30:00.000-04:00

A Florida woman attempted to open the cabin door of a United Airlines flight yesterday. The plane was cruising at 4,000 feet when she got out of her seat and tried to open the pressurized door. If opened, the plane would have plummeted to a bloody, horrible death over Seattle (we've all seen in the movies what happens when those doors are opened). The woman was persuaded by a flight attendant to return to her seat, and she was arrested upon arrival for "malicious mischief."

I'm not sure where to start with this story. Hearing of this news is particularly disturbing for a person like me who plays out potential crash scenarios in my head while flying...An idiot opening the cabin door is one of these scenarios. If I was on the plane, I would want an Air Marshall to shoot her on site, or at least tackle her to the ground and give her a backhand or two. But instead, the flight attendant "persuaded" the woman verbally. This is unacceptable...Unless this dunce was some sort of beast (like the basketball player pictured right) she should have been manhandled. Additionally, what she did was not "mischievous" it was downright awful and should be considered attempted murder. I don't care what kind of pills this lady was on, we're living in a post-September 11 world people! (this rationale works for everything). I can only hope that this individual is never let back on an airplane, or even allowed to drive a car with other people in it ever again. In fact, if I was the judge on this case I would sentence her to be tethered to her living room and forced to watch Montel for the rest of her life.

Bush Breaks Vacation Record

2005-08-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

While many of us "sellouts to the man" will spend August slaving away at our cubicles and respective places of business, the President has chosen to do something quite different; he's taking the whole month off. Yes, the President will spend August at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, mountain biking, wearing ten gallon hats, falling off of Segways, and molesting collies (pictured left).

With three and a half years remaining in office, Bush's August retreat breaks Reagan's record for number of days a President has spent on vacation. According to CBS Radio, President Bush has spent 20 percent of his time on vacation. In defense of his holiday (as the Brits like to call it) Bush said that "I'll be doing a lot of work [in Crawford]. On the other hand, I'll also be kind of making sure my Texas roots run deep." While I have no clue what this mouth-breather comment means, it seems that he'll have plenty of time to do it. But Americans shouldn't panic, I'm sure they will give him a pager or something in case of a national emergency.

NIH Employee Makes Anthrax Threat

2005-08-03T09:12:00.000-04:00

A Maryland woman was arrested Monday for making an anthrax threat to a Florida tax assessor after she lost a tax relief claim. During the threat, the brilliant woman identified herself as a NIH (National Institute of Health) employee and said "You guys now have anthrax spores once again, so do be careful."

I take serious issue with this woman's behavior not only because it wasted thousands of dollars in government money to pay for a hazardous materials team to search the Florida assessor's office for anthrax, but also because the tone of the threat is all wrong. What kind of psychopath hopes that their victims will be careful? Her phone call should have ended with a "muhahah" or a cackle of some sort, not well-wishing. Further, how could she honestly think that she would get away with this? Word to the wise, don't identify yourself and your employer before making threats. The fact that she didn't think of the repercussions of her threat is a testament to the intelligent and dedicated individuals we employ in the Federal government. I wouldn't be surprised if next week someone at the Department of Agriculture threatened a bill collector with mad cow disease.

(pictured: Anthrax the band, who are entirely un-related to this story, but continue to rock)