40 days

Well folks, Mardi Gras is wrapping up its annual booz-and-boob-fest in New Orleans this week and we're approaching that special season of the year...Lent. Yep, it's time to celebrate the time-honored tradition of depriving yourself of something you like until Easter. Of course we do this in honor of when Jesus gave up eating Pepperidge Farm chocolate chip cookies for forty days (they were his only vice). So, as I was thinking of ways to deprive myself, I came up with a list of things other people should give up.

DJs: In da Club

There is no reason for you to still play this awful song. For Lent's sake, take it off your playlists because if I have to hear one more annoying drunk girl sing "go shorty, it's your berfday" I will urinate myself as a display of anger. I would even prefer that Little John song that talks about perspiration in his nether region over In da Club by 50 Cent.


Samuel L. Jackson: Movies


Please Sam, I beg of you, for forty days stop making movies. Have you ever said no to a script? I loved Pulp Fiction just as much as the next guy, but since then you've starred in a movie every other week and the majority of them blow. Freedomland, that horrid-looking movie with Eugene Levy, XXX State of the Union, and Coach Carter are just to name a few of the awful movies you've been in lately. Oh, and the same goes for Christopher Walken. C-Walk please show some restraint and take a breather for forty days. You're a dramatic genius, but even a Ukranian cab driver would have passed on starring in the flaming pile of crap known as Gigli.

Jessica Simpson: Being famous


(pictured: the best and most creepy artistic rendering of Simpson, ever)

Can you please disappear for forty days. I'll admit I thought you were pretty hot in 1999 when you were in that video on the Santa Monica Pier (why on earth do I remember that?) But I'm confused why people seem to care what and who you're doing. Honestly, there is no reason my mother should be able to pick you out of a lineup. Let's name the things you have going for you:

1) Looks (if you're into that)
2) Voice (I have no idea if this is true)
3) Ability to make even the dumbest people feel smarter?

These "talents" in no way justify your exposure. Plus, I'm sick of seeing you on the damn TV trying to sell me pizza with balls of cheese on the crust or whatever disgusting new method Domino's has developed to make our country even fatter. So please honey, take a forty day timeout and hopefully America will realize that they were better off with you gone. As for Nick Lachey, you deserve the hype man...that 98 degrees tattoos is sweet.

Deceptive Panhandlers



Living in the city has made me pretty numb to panhandlers, but sometimes they can really get to me. Like the time a guy asked me if I was in movies and I told him that I wasn't (the stag films don't count) and he said "oh, well you should be in the movies." The exchange left me a little confused, but also a tad bit flattered. This was until he followed me for a city block asking me for change and then when I told him I had none (which was the truth) he said "you could never be in the movies cheapass whiteboy." So please deceptive panhandlers just be honest during lent, there is no reason to build up my ego and then when you find that I have no spare change crush my movie star aspirations. (The picture of the Jesus-esque panhandler above is not in poor taste, so lay off).