Wish List

Well it's that time of the year folks. The time when it's no longer fashionable to wear white, and the time when the monumental occasion of my birth is celebrated. So, in honor of no longer being allowed to wear that sweet white Miami Vice-Tommy Bahama linen suit you've been rocking all summer, I have created my ultimate birthday wish-list. These are things that I asked for every year as a child, but never seemed to receive.

1) Power Wheel

I don't know many kids who didn't beg for these mini-automobiles every x-mas and b-day. They can reach speeds of up to 2.5mph, and deluxe models were equipped with novelty phones! I always wanted the Jeep, I guess because I was the outdoorsy type. Aside from the hefty price tag, I never received this present because there was a morbidly obese child who lived up the street who had one. My mother claims she was afraid that I would never leave my power wheel and become a tubster like him. I think she simply didn't love me.

What I actually got: Self-propelled Big Wheel



2) Go-Kart/Dirt Bike

Who cares that I lived in suburbia throughout my childhood and had no where to play with these vehicles? I wanted a dirtbike dammit. I was willing to compromise with what seemed to me like a far safer form of recreational transportation; a go-kart. I'm not sure what the allure was with these white trash toys, but ask most boys and they would tell you that at some point they were on their wish lists too. Despite many promises, I never received either of these potentially lethal gifts. My mom tells me that I should be thankful I never got this gift, because if I had, right now I would be sporting a mullet, eating Slim Jims and dating a girl from Kansas.

What I actually got: Huffy 5-Speed (assembled at home to avoid Toys R Us' extra $10 assembly fee)



3) Puppy


"But mom, I swear I'll walk it and clean up the poop every day!" These were lies. Let's admit it, puppies are cute for like three days and then they eat your valuables and you want to kick them.


What I actually got: Tamagochi (or if your parents were cheap, the generic Nanopet)



4) My Buddy


To this day I don’t know whether it was my lack of human friends or the catchy theme song, but I wanted one real bad. However, in retrospect the whole idea is a little creepy. “Wherever you go, he goes”? I had a hard enough time making friends as a child, the last thing I needed was a stuffed stalker following me everywhere.

What I actually got: Care Bear (lay off, they were unisex toys)


These were just a few of the gifts I never received as a child that continue to torment me at almost 22 years of age. Even though I never managed to get these sweet toys, I guess I turned out okay. I have a hit blog that even Dane Cook reads (I love you NRB) and I know some people who aren’t too ashamed to hang out with me on a regular basis.

In the spirit of my birthday, please list the toys you never got as a child in the comments section. I know I’m not the only one who wanted the Barbie dream house.