News in briefs

The Illinois Democratic primary proved that life isn't all that hard out here for a gimp. (note: it's not offensive to call a war hero a gimp if you only do it because it rhymes with pimp)

The public will have the chance to buy goods from the house that Republican corruption built. A leather sofa is among the Ex-Congressman's possessions up for auction...of all things to buy with millions of dollars in bribes why in God's name would you want your living room to look like the set of Miami Vice? Nevermind, this guy's a Republican, he obviously has no taste.


Aaron Carter is way cooler than Nick Lachey. Who needs divorce drama when you've got a minor filing for emancipation? "In December 2003, 16-year-old Aaron publicly fired his manager-mother, Jane, and filed for legal emancipation, alleging she stole more than $100,000 from him. The two made up a month later, but Carter moved in with his father after his parent's split." This story reminds me of the time when my Mom asked me for some ten dollars because she didn't have cash, and then when I asked her for my money back later she responded by saying "I brought you into this life, I can take you out of it." Yep, Aaron and I have a lot in common. And by the way Aaron, kudos on the bowlcut.


A man tossed a suspicious package onto the North Lawn of the White House on this morning, setting off a security alert, and was taken into custody. Supposedly this guy has done stuff like this before, which lends one question...what the hell was he doing on Pennsylvania Ave? If we can't keep nutjobs from throwing crap on the WH lawn, how on earth will we ever win the war on terror? Terror must be laughing at us...wait a second "terror" isn't a country, it's an emotion...this whole time I thought googlemaps was full of crap.