The new retro

While perusing a posh stationary store in Georgetown last weekend I came across something a bit odd. Next to their selection of novelty sushi erasers they were selling Stripes Fruit Striped gum...The one with that wacky mulit-colored zebra on the pack. Why was this up for sale at a trendy store? Because it's retro. Things that remind you of childhood are being sold at retailers like Urban Outfitters and chic boutiques across the country for a premium price. Smart businesspeople are cashing in on our nostalgia, even for crappy gum that loses its flavor almost instantaneously (this did not stop me from begging for it every time I was in the grocery store checkout aisle). So, in an effort to get a step ahead of the nostalgia peddlers I am going to predict the next items that will be "retro" and purchased by twenty somethings who wish to regain that little piece of childhood. I may even market some myself....


1) Velcro Shoes: I know I am not the only one who wore these technological footwear marvels for a bit too long (tying shoes is harder than it looks, lay off). However, velcro shoes or "zips" as I once referred to them, are no longer stylish. In fact, they have been relegated to use solely by geriatrics and the mentally impaired. This is not acceptable, and my bet is that these will make an amazing comeback. The only caveat is that the skin tone color will not make a comeback, because those were never stylish and if I see a non-geriatric/mentally impaired individual wearing them, I will scold them for such a retro fashion crime.


2) Rollerblades: Who didn't have a pair of these amazing rollerskate replacements? (kids who were poor and lived on steep hills?) But for the non-poor, flat land children, rollerblades were an integral facet of growing up. It's been too long since I've skinned up my knees while attempting to perform an expert level move like a "T-stop." If you thought 'blades never went out of style (this applies to many sleeveless Dupont Circle skaters), shame on you! These folks are not allowed to strap them on now in the name of retro. The rollerblades that will be accepted as retro will be neon, most like the "Zetra" (pictured) or "Lightening" models. Models with straps in lieu of laces will not be accepted as retro and you will be scolded by the retro police if you adorn them on your stinky feet.

3) Squeeze its: They came in an oily plastic bottle, tasted like crap, but you loved them anyways. I am sure that these beverages, popular for organized sports snack time, will be on Urban Outfitter shelves in no time. Despite the bad taste, squeezing a bottle with cartoon faces on it was absolutely amazing. In fact, you can sign a petition to General Mills here requesting the return of the fun and fruity beverage. Capri Sun is not another retro beverage because they never went out of style, and I continue to pack them in my sack lunch. However, I may allow you to drink Capri Suns in the name of retro if you put the straw in the bottom, because that's just bad ass.

4) Smelly Markers:

Mom: Why is your nose red?
Son: Because the red marker smells like strawberries dammit!

Do they still sell these? I wish I had some now. I hope a generation of youth is not growing up without these delicious coloring tools. Beware: the black pen smells like butt.




5) Oregon Trail: "Your family died of dysentery," "Cousin Joey died of starvation." These are both heartwarming examples of lines from the hit computer game Oregon Trail. Whether you were tech savvy and had the color version, or were forced to play the dot matrix version on an old Macintosh like me, everybody has fond memories of the simulated voyage to gold country. Not only is the game retro and will most likely be sold for palm pilots and cell phones, but I foresee a huge Oregon Trail inspired clothing line. Call me crazy, but I see big money here.

I know i've left out a lot, and feel free to suggest some other retro predicitions, just don't post about laser hair removal like the spammer in my last post, or ill track you down and cyberslap you.