Turkey Week News in Briefs

A Florida middle school teacher was sentenced to three years house arrest and seven years probation for doing the deed with a 14-year old student. The two realized a mutual attraction on a school trip to Sea World (I couldn't even make this crap up). When asked about the side effects of the teacher's "abuse," the student simply grinned and the male reporter who asked the question gave the student a high-five. (high-fives are making a comeback..."the pound" is on its way out)

Democratic biggest loser, John Kerry, was selected for jury duty at a Suffolk County Superior Court this week. As jury foreman, Kerry will be responsible for delivering the verdict in the case. It is predicted that Kerry will first say the defendant is guilty, but then say that he's innocent and try to explain why at first he voted for him to be innocent. He's a flip-flopper, get it? Ziiiing

Leaders in the South Pacific are starting to claim that the US would have no chance in a war against China. The article quotes an expert who said, "I believe America cannot win as it has a civic society that must adhere to the value of respecting lives." When getting word of this report insinuating America cared about human lives Dick Cheney said he had never been so insulted in his life, and then resumed torturing a detainee (he keeps some in his basement).

After being in Congress for only a few months, Ohio Representative Jean Schmidt made a name for herself by calling Democratic heavyweight and Marine Corps Veteran John Murtha a coward on the House floor. The Congresswoman claimed that she was passing on a message to Murtha from an Ohio State Rep who was also a veteran...but this article says it ain't so. Since the incident last week, Schmidt has apologized to the Congressman, blaming the fiasco on an allergic reaction from her cheap fake tanner. (Really, it's November, you're not fooling anyone)