Chertoff: Crushed

(The US Secretary of State and gangsta rapper Yo Yo Ma share a moment on stage)

DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff is reportedly "crushed" at the news that one of the laziest letter-writing contractors in his department will depart in January. When asked about how the department could recover from such a monumental resignation, Chertoff said "I'm hungry, I want a breakfast burrito, and don't worry, DHS will continue to suck after he leaves."

In movie news, I found Jesus (saw Narnia) yesterday afternoon. If I knew Jesus was a sweet lion-warrior I would have been going to church years ago. But in all honesty, see the movie, it will change your life...er at the very least make you want some sweet, sweet Turkish Delight.

An analysis has concluded that the US is facing credibility issues abroad. For some reason, the international community (read smelly Euros) isn't thrilled about secret detention facilities and allegations of outsourcing the torture of military detainees. In an effort to re-establish our tarnished reputation and find common ground, Condoleeza Rice has been sent to Europe to demonstrate that Americans too can have horrible teeth.

The US has decided to lift its ban on Japanese beef, after Japan has lifted its sanction on America's cow products. This man, who misunderstood the US trade policy, was elated at the news, stating that he was relieved that he was now legal in the US.

A man who posted a false entry on wikipedia linking John Seigenthaler Sr. to the assassination of JFK issued an apology last week. In other news, how could I be missing out on the opportunity to post lies on wikipedia for so long? Really, why does this have to be the only forum for my lies?