Pick is back

Yes, like a mighty phoenix I am rising up from the ashes and bringing you the most important news of note. I apologize for the sabbatical, I know you have all been ignorant assholes without my news in briefs. I wish I could say I was on vacation...but I guess it could have been a vacation if my pool of tears was deep enough to swim in. Anywho, here they are...

(From Bobby's World to Deal or no Deal, will superstar sensation Mandel host the Oscars? Read NIB and find out!)

The District of Columbia grew some balls this week and passed the smoke-free ordinance. Active in 2007, DC's restaurants, bars, offices, and nightclubs will no longer have the right to give you lung cancer. While this is great news for DC residents and tourists, I expect that it will had an adverse effect on the sales of my patented bar wigs. Critics who oppose the ban claim that the restrictions will hurt businesses and hurts civil liberties. However, upon further investigation the critics most concerned with the ban turned about to be manufacturers of those microphones that make you sound like a robot when you have your throat gutted.

In an effort to appeal to the liberal base of the Democratic party and position himself for a 2008 Presidential bid, Virginia Governor Mark Warner has ordered a DNA test that could exonerate a man who was executed in 1992. The results could be announced as early as next week and could potentially deal a serious blow to citizens of the Commonwealth who feel that spending millions of taxpayer dollars to kill criminals is a worthy endeavor. Really death penalty proponents, have a heart.

After excluding the city of Las Vegas in the Department of Homeland Security's Urban Areas Security Initiative grant program, which is aimed at hardening potential urban terrorist targets, Senator Harry Reid asked DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff to resign. DHS officials have scrambled to justify the exclusion of Sin City in the grant program...but there is only one real explanation for the debacle and I can sum it up in two words...my bad.

Liberals across the country were seen raising the roof in reaction to the news that comedian and Daily Show host Jon Steward has been tapped to host the 2006 Academy Awards. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed at the Academy's decision...I assumed that Howie Mandel's fantastical hosting skills demonstrated on Deal or no Deal made him a clear choice for the show. However, I'll take Stewart over the Academy's second choice, the d-bag bowtie-wearing, ex-crossfire host Tucker Carlson.

In light of the coal mining tragedy in West Virginia, President Bush has declared an 8-month moratorium on hillbilly jokes. Seriously guys, they're not funny now. They were funny before, but give them eight months. In related news, Jay Leno is not funny. I hadn't seen the Tonight Show in years until last week, and let's just say that I'm worried about Kevin Eubanks (because he's the only person who seems to think Jay is funny).

Independence Air officially closed its doors this morning. The bankrupt airline proves the theory that it doesn't make sense to charge less money for a flight than a box of altoids. Is there anybody who didn't see this coming? Oh you didn't? Well you're an idiot. Sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm just going through an emotional stage in my life right now (read menopause).