Friday, May 26, 2006

Pervert too short for jail?

This story is so absurd I had to share it. The creep pictured below was sentenced to ten years of probation for child molestation because a Nebraska judge said he was too short to survive in prison.

Granted, this little guy might be a pervert, but it doesn't feel right sending a munchkin to the slammer. God forbid he get abused by someone bigger and more powerful than him like he did to the helpless child he was convicted of assaulting. He's just a little tyke, I'm sure most Americans agree with me when I say that I am glad the judge cut him some slack.

In related news, GNC manager Sanjay Hernandez (pictured below) claims that R&B sensation and pervert R. Kelly visited his store and asked for "powders to shrink my ass down."

(Hernandez: didn't have shrinking powder, but was able to sell R. Kelly some horny goatweed)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Clips o' the week

By now you've (my 3 readers) probably heard about Barbaro, the favorite to win the Triple Crown, and the leg it broke during last week's Preakness horse race. I admit I know nothing about horse racing and I could care less about about a bunch of rich Southerners in linen suits betting thousands of dollars and talking about how the Emancipation Proclamation was hogwash. Honestly, I would rather watch NASCAR than see unitard-wearing midgets spank their horses with whips. But even if you do enjoy that kind of stuff, the amount of coverage this horse has gotten is sickening. It was Monday's top story and the coverage has continued through today. In fact, the Associated Press has started a Barbaro blog chronicling its surgery and recovery.

Let's be honest, the only reason the owners care about this beast is because if it makes babies, it can make them millions. Even so, loyal fans have created a giant get well card for the HORSE where a fan, "told Barbaro that we're praying for a full recovery." Oh and by the way this same fan signed the get well card from her husband and their horse. (Some day I will create a law forbidding pet owners to sign greeting cards on behalf of their animals). It's a sad time when dozens of young Americans have been injured and killed in Iraq this week, yet I can't name one of them. But, thanks to media coverage priorities I know the name of a horse's surgeon. It's a horse people. I guess what happened is sad if you're a horse person (minotaur), but the story has run its course and it's time to shut the hell up about it.

An old dude won the hearts of 63 million idiots dumb enough to pay to vote for a contestant on a tv show last night. Taylor Hicks, who is actually only 29 years old, became this year's American Idol and will join the ranks of that Ruben guy, Fantasmic, and Kelly somewhat talented Clarkson. As much as I hate the show, I give this old guy some credit because I read that he sang a Springsteen song on one of the shows. I guess it takes a guy with grey hair to bring some quality to the most overrated show on TV.

(Really pal, it worked for Tom Cruise in Collateral, but you're no Thomas Jackson Cruise. Check out these many colors you can choose from that are available at your local drugstore.)

In other news....

Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty by a Houston jury this afternoon. Kenneth Lay's statement in response to being found guilty of defrauding thousands of hard-working people..."Did I do thaat?"

The Senate will most likely pass their version of the immigration bill sometime today without the support of a majority of Republicans. The first question most immigrants ask when arriving in the US? "Got any cheeese?"

Friday, May 12, 2006

Raise it

(Pictured: Me at prom 2000)

Actually, that is not a picture of me. I would kill to look that good in a shimmery red vest. But this picture reminds me of an important topic that I would like to raise to the three readers of this blog. Raising the roof is still cool. The following are some roof-raising stories stripped from the headlines:

The US Senate failed to pass S. 1955 yesterday. The bill would have threatened state mandated coverage for mammograms and other cancer screening services among other life saving benefits. This was a huge victory for people who are anti-cancer (aka anyone with a soul). I think this story deserves a two-handed raise and perhaps an Arsenio Hall woop.

Alec Baldwin is raising the roof at Kim Bassinger's dismay this week. Over his ex-wife's objections, a Los Angeles court on Thursday granted Baldwin three extra visitation days with daughter Ireland to make up for a weekend earlier this year when the 10-year-old had strep throat and couldn't make the trip to New York, where her dad lives. On a sidenote, why on earth am I pulling stories from E Online? And which Baldwin is Alec? Is the the one with a career, or the one on Celebrity Fat Club? I can never keep those losers straight. I think William Baldwin is my fav, because Backdraft kicked ass in the early 90s and the ride at Universal Studios is pretty boss too.

(Billy Baldwin: total dreamboat, or dreamboat extraordinaire? You decide)

I am also raising the roof because I lost three pounds. How you ask? No, I didn't partake in the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet (aka laxitives in juice form). I just looked at this picture and threw up my breakfast. Want to shed those pesky pounds? I suggest you check out the picture of Manuel Uribe, the fattest man alive.

Health nuts can also raise the roof because Wal-Mart is seeking to carry more organic products. I am not sure how I feel about an apple getting more humane treatment than the employers who stock them...but how can I criticize a company with such a happy logo? Hooray for locking employees in stores over night and watch out for falling prices!

(Pictured: 87 year old Wal Mart greeter Lois Stanley. Stanley tragically perished in a freak falling price accident in 1998)

Have a great weeekend, and don't forget to give to my Relay team.