Friday, September 30, 2005

Bring your vest to the Sunshine State

The Brady Campaign to Control Gun Violence doesn't want you to get a cap busted in your ass next time you visit Disneyworld. That's why they have produced this warning across the world to individuals who may visit Florida. The warning is in response to the "Stand your Ground" or "Shoot First" law, which permits Florida residents to shoot you if you give them the evil eye. Well, there are probably some more details involved, but in short, the NRA loves it, so you should probably watch yourself.

Under the previous law, gun owners had to first attempt to withdraw and avoid a confrontation, and were authorized to shoot the threatening individual inside their home or property. So I guess this new law allows people to instigate confrontations in public and when things get heated, you can legally bust out your piece and unload. I'm sweating bullets just thinking about it (bullets, get it?) . This law seems completely out of control. Floridians can't even count votes, should they be trusted with the right to shoot at will? I'm not sure how I feel about the international scope of the campaign though. I mean every Euro thinks we're a gun crazy country anyways, is it really necessary to rub it in their faces? Either way, approach Mickey Mouse with care, I hear he's strapped, and with the law on his side, I doubt he's afraid to shoot.

Fiber: overrated, but stool talk is humorous

An article in Tuesday's New York Times suggests that research hasn't really proven that diet can prevent certain forms of cancer. Specifically, the article mentions the theory that high fiber diets can prevent colon cancer may be unfounded. While explaining the high fiber diet, the article has one of the more graphic descriptions of poo that I've ever read in print. While colon cancer is no joke, I am still convinced that references to "bulky stool" are indeed hilarious.

"The fiber hypothesis had enormous appeal. Carcinogens from food can end up in stool. But when people eat a lot of fiber, their stool is bulkier and so carcinogens would be diluted. Bulkier stool is also excreted faster, reducing the time that the colon is in contact with cancer-causing substances. Fiber also binds bile acids in the bowel, substances that can damage the colon and, possibly, result in cancer. "

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Is it me, or is the blurry man in the back row with the brown suit incredibly attractive?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Brokeback Mountain

Critics are praising Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain, starring two of the dreamiest dreamsters in Hollywood, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. Lee, known for directing the Incredible Hulk and Sense and Sensibility is pushing the American film norms. The movie tells the story of two cowboys, riding horses and making out. Yes, it's a gay love story, and it will be hitting America's big screens this Fall. Is America ready for this film? To tell you the truth, it doesn't matter, we should be. If we can have films that display the love between two married spies who have to kill each other (that crappy Brad Pitt movie that I hope you didn't pay $9 to see), why shouldn't we have a movie that deals with a far more realistic and serious love between two men? I guess the real question is, how long will it take for this movie to come under attack by the "family values" inspired Gonzales porn squad? Oh and in case you're wondering, the title of the film doesn't make me giggle...not at all.

They like me, they really like me

Hey look, I got some attention for my pro-porn agenda.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Alberto Gonzales hates freedom

That is if you consider pornography freedom, which most people do. The Washington Post reported today that the FBI is launching a "porn squad" to enforce Federal Anti-Obscenity laws (sorry pervs, the FBI is only recruiting current employees). According to the article, the new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

(How can a man with a mustache like that be anti-porn?)

You know Gonzales' "top priority" of curbing pornography lacks logic when an unnamed FBI agent said "I guess this means we've won the war on terror." Really, who cares that our troops in Iraq don't have armored vehicles and Osama Bin Laden is vacationing in Pakistan? We will all be able to sleep at night knowing that our tax dollars are being invested in the irradication of pornography involving bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior. Well, except for those poor souls who can only fall asleep after watching a dog and a chick, and for them, may God have mercy on their souls.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Bar Wig

As we approach the last days of Summer, my mind is looking forward to the chilly months to come. After experiencing one full Winter on the East Coast, I have realized that Fall and Winter mean many things. It means wearing scarves for utility, not fashion (people who wear scarves in California are chumps). It means showing up to work with nose running and feet frostbitten. It means wearing a coat, a thick wool one every day

Last Winter, I learned about a phenomenon called the "bar coat." You see, DC is still in the dark ages. People (white trash) are free to light up a Virginia Slim and blow it in your face at your favorite bar, nightclub, and restaurant. The outcome? Smelly clothes, skin, and hair. So, people who value the quality of their scent have "bar coats." This is a cheap coat that you can wear to a bar and not worry about it smelling like the Marlboro Man when you stumble home. Furhter, having a bar coat allows you to avoid the dreaded coat check, so you don't have to tip another d-bag on your road to inebriation. I was skeptical about the whole bar coat idea, but I will definitely purchase one this Fall.
However, bar coats are just the tip of the iceberg. So what if you prevent your nice Winter coat from getting stanky, your hair still smells like your Uncle Leroy's den (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...your uncle Leroy was practically a father to you). So, unless you enjoy making your linens and pillows have that savory dirty French prostitute aroma, you are likely to take a shower before you pass out. The solution? The bar wig! I wish I could take credit for this one, but the idea ocurred to my girlfriend when, after a long night, my golden strands of gelled hair smelled like ash and tar. However, I think I may be the first person to actually wear one. The bar wig is exactly what you think it is...a protective shield for your precious locks. Not only will the bar wig protect your hair better than the pro-vitamins found in Pantene Pro-V, but it will also allow you to mix up your hairstyle and color. I am considering marketing these stylish smoke resistant wigs in the near future, so place your orders now. Between the bar coat and wig, I think I will be prepared for the Winter drinking season ahead.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Confirmation hearing photo journal

Okay, I admit it, I have gone a little picture crazy this afternoon. But since I sifted through a bunch of confirmation hearing photos this morning I figured I might as well share them. I can't imagine sitting in front of a group of crotchety Senators for a eleven hours and having to answer their questions. To John Robert's credit, I thought he handled the grilling quite eloquently. Pictured below are photos of the few times Roberts cracked.
Like when he threatened to eat Dianne Feinstein's children....

And when the Roberts couple displayed visible concern after Senator Leahy questioned the judge about his beanie baby fetish.

Then, after a bean-laden lunch recess, Roberts lost all control and dignity when he let one loose during Ted Kennedy's questioning. I guess I should give him a break, stress can make you gassy.

Then John Roberts was challenged to an evil staring competition with Arlen Specter. Specter cracked Roberts by re-enacting the dance he performs on Six Flags commercials.

Then Roberts scolded his son and told him that if he didn't stop squirming that he would turn this confirmation hearing around. His adorable son was completely unfazed by the empty threat.

Is Arlen Specter the creepy Six Flags guy?

I am definitely going to hell for this one

Too Funny

President Bush had to cut his vacation in Crawford short, in reaction to Katrina (tear). But it doesn't look like that stopped him from having a little fun with his Pa while surveying the damage in New Orleans.

Bush Family: Compassionate Conservatives?

If you've been living in a bubble for the last week, this is what Babrara Senior had to say about the lucky Katrina evacuees living in the Astrodome.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The new retro

While perusing a posh stationary store in Georgetown last weekend I came across something a bit odd. Next to their selection of novelty sushi erasers they were selling Stripes Fruit Striped gum...The one with that wacky mulit-colored zebra on the pack. Why was this up for sale at a trendy store? Because it's retro. Things that remind you of childhood are being sold at retailers like Urban Outfitters and chic boutiques across the country for a premium price. Smart businesspeople are cashing in on our nostalgia, even for crappy gum that loses its flavor almost instantaneously (this did not stop me from begging for it every time I was in the grocery store checkout aisle). So, in an effort to get a step ahead of the nostalgia peddlers I am going to predict the next items that will be "retro" and purchased by twenty somethings who wish to regain that little piece of childhood. I may even market some myself....

1) Velcro Shoes: I know I am not the only one who wore these technological footwear marvels for a bit too long (tying shoes is harder than it looks, lay off). However, velcro shoes or "zips" as I once referred to them, are no longer stylish. In fact, they have been relegated to use solely by geriatrics and the mentally impaired. This is not acceptable, and my bet is that these will make an amazing comeback. The only caveat is that the skin tone color will not make a comeback, because those were never stylish and if I see a non-geriatric/mentally impaired individual wearing them, I will scold them for such a retro fashion crime.

2) Rollerblades: Who didn't have a pair of these amazing rollerskate replacements? (kids who were poor and lived on steep hills?) But for the non-poor, flat land children, rollerblades were an integral facet of growing up. It's been too long since I've skinned up my knees while attempting to perform an expert level move like a "T-stop." If you thought 'blades never went out of style (this applies to many sleeveless Dupont Circle skaters), shame on you! These folks are not allowed to strap them on now in the name of retro. The rollerblades that will be accepted as retro will be neon, most like the "Zetra" (pictured) or "Lightening" models. Models with straps in lieu of laces will not be accepted as retro and you will be scolded by the retro police if you adorn them on your stinky feet.

3) Squeeze its: They came in an oily plastic bottle, tasted like crap, but you loved them anyways. I am sure that these beverages, popular for organized sports snack time, will be on Urban Outfitter shelves in no time. Despite the bad taste, squeezing a bottle with cartoon faces on it was absolutely amazing. In fact, you can sign a petition to General Mills here requesting the return of the fun and fruity beverage. Capri Sun is not another retro beverage because they never went out of style, and I continue to pack them in my sack lunch. However, I may allow you to drink Capri Suns in the name of retro if you put the straw in the bottom, because that's just bad ass.

4) Smelly Markers:

Mom: Why is your nose red?
Son: Because the red marker smells like strawberries dammit!

Do they still sell these? I wish I had some now. I hope a generation of youth is not growing up without these delicious coloring tools. Beware: the black pen smells like butt.

5) Oregon Trail: "Your family died of dysentery," "Cousin Joey died of starvation." These are both heartwarming examples of lines from the hit computer game Oregon Trail. Whether you were tech savvy and had the color version, or were forced to play the dot matrix version on an old Macintosh like me, everybody has fond memories of the simulated voyage to gold country. Not only is the game retro and will most likely be sold for palm pilots and cell phones, but I foresee a huge Oregon Trail inspired clothing line. Call me crazy, but I see big money here.

I know i've left out a lot, and feel free to suggest some other retro predicitions, just don't post about laser hair removal like the spammer in my last post, or ill track you down and cyberslap you.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Barry's Back

(pictured: Barry disappointedly gazes at Giants senile manager Felipe Alou after Alou informed Barry that they will have to special order a hat to fit his huge dome)

For those of you who don't care about baseball and whose version of watching sports is limited to watching American Gladiator re-runs on the USA Network, I guess you can stop reading. But for those of you with taste in the finer things, I'm going to comment on the return of one of baseball's best and most controversial players, Barry. By the way, how sweet would it be to be so famous that people only have to say your first name?

Anyways, the slugger is slated to enter the lineup for the Giants for the first time this season after undergoing three surgeries on his knee this year, and major league baseball couldn't ask for better news. So what if the guy has one of the biggest human heads in captivity (literally and figuratively), he still makes baseball exciting. The Giants need this...I mean I could have pitched for the team this season. As a fan, it was sad that the only time the team made national headlines was when a radio commentator made racial slurs in reference to their lackluster play. So fans, here is our chance, and Barry will deliver. Before the season ends, he will hit homeruns, and people will continue to debate whether or not he deserves to be held among the greatest non-genetically modified baseball players of the past, and these discussions are good. I think it is fairly obvious that Barry did take performance enhancing drugs, but this season and the seasons to come, Barry will be natural...and he will still play great baseball. People will boo and shout insults, but when he smacks balls into McCovey Cove, chills will run down spines and people will realize that despite all of his faults, he is what he is, a great baseball player with a huge head.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Soccer Hooligan Movie Looks Dumb

I must apologize to the three people who check this website for updates regularly. My lack of activity is a result of the tragedies on the Gulf Coast. I didn't think it was appropriate to make fun of people at a time of such sadness. But now that things are getting a little better, I think it's safe to begin to lighten up and offend people once again.

This summer has to be one of the worst for moviegoers. The only decent Summer movies were Wedding Crashers, 40 Year old Virgin, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I even made the mistake of seeing Red Eye last weekend, and aside from the antagonist getting stabbed in the throat with a pencil, the movie was wretched. A twelve year-old immigrant from Bahrain could have written a better screenplay. Unfortunately, my forecast for Fall films doesn't look much better.

(who would want to approach this kid with the wrong colored soccer jersey on?)

While at Red Eye, I saw a preview for a movie called Green Street Hooligans starring that wuss Elijah Wood from the nerdfest of the century, Lord of the Rings. From what I could understand from the preview, the movie is about a kid who gets kicked out of Harvard, goes to the UK and joins a soccer gang. Wood's character then becomes a hardcore soccer hooligan and fights other soccer hooligans with their fists and medieval weaponry (that is all that is available for troubled youth across the pond). I'm sure he discovers himself through his fellow gangmate's passion for a soccer club, maybe meets a hot Brit, eats some fish and chips, and then returns to America with a new outlook on life.

Let me begin by saying that the premise in this movie is completely implausible because Elijah Wood could get his butt served by the same twelve year-old immigrant from Bahrain who could have written Red Eye. Second, the idea of glorifying these tea-drinking hooligans for fighting over a soccer match is idiotic for many reasons. First, Americans don't like soccer, and they surely can't imagine being passionate about such a boring sport. Second, we're a country with films like Boyz 'n the Hood (and if you're really old school like me Colors), it's going to be hard to get moved by a bunch of white teenagers getting in fist fights while wearing silly, ugly colored soccer jerseys. They should have made the movie about the Raider Nation. Those fans are absolutely insane. But they probably shouldn't have made the movie at all because violent sports fans suck. Glorifying people who fight people because they like an opposing sports team ruins everything amazing about sports. Who wants to get stabbed at their next trip to the ballpark by some kid who got riled by an Elijah Wood movie about soccer? I would rather get stabbed by a kid who had mistaken me for a rival Hobbit, but I'm weird like that.