Thursday, December 29, 2005

Bush sleeps on the job

It's the week between Christmas and New Years. The week where people lament about their crappy presents, but hold out hope that their holiday season will be redeemed by a champagne-soaked evening watching a dumb ball drop in Times Square. It's also the week where half of the employees at work are still on vacation and the other half who have shown up choose to do nothing but check their gmail incessantly in hopes of hearing from prospective employers (or maybe that's just me). Oh yea, I am all about the holidays...

The Post has an interesting article about how the Bush team is rethinking its second term strategy. Am I the only one who thinks this re-tooling is unnecessary? A failed Social Security overhaul, CIA leaks, rising casualties in Iraq, Harriet Miers, and Hurricane Katrina all seemed to be working well for Bush II. This is my favorite line from the article:

"Bush, who had plenty to be morose about through the fall, responded with vigor as well. Instead of heading immediately to bed after the Oval Office address, as he usually does, he stuck around to chew through themes for his upcoming State of the Union address, another high-ranking administration official said."

(Waterson displays confusion and disgust in reaction to the President's pre-Law & Order bedtime)

Wow, the leader of the free world bypassed his 9pm beddy time to work on his goals for the second term of his presidency. This has to be the most pathetic thing I've ever read about the President. Are we supposed to be impressed? The POTUS should not be gettin more sleep than my friggin grandma. I want him working on the mounting problems facing our nation, not working on his beauty sleep. I mean come on people, who goes to sleep before Law & Order? I bet John Kerry watched Conan that night.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Happy Soon to be b-day Jesus

(New York City's transit union continues to say no deal)

In honor of the upcoming birthday of Jesus Christ our Lord and savior, I have gathered this news in briefs.

NYC enters its second day of transit strikes today as people flood the streets and carpool to work. A New York Supreme Court judge ruled that the transit strike is illegal and is fining the transit union $1 million for every day of the walk-out. In a related story, the man next to me on my commute this morning let one rip and then winked at me. I was about to give him a high ten for being so gassy first thing in the morning, but the wink really threw me off so I rescinded my high-ten and opted to get out of my seat and yell "you nasty!"

The new show "Deal or no Deal" continues to blow my mind. Not only does it involve absolutely no skill or intellect on the part of the contestant, but Howey Mandel's head is shinier than that sequence number that Elton John wore to his wedding. Really, the show gives me the creeps and it should be removed from NBC's horrible lineup immediately (because im secretly addicted...those ladies with the briefcases are so darn lovely).

A judge yesterday barred the teaching of "intelligent design" as an alternative to evolution in a Pennsylvania school district. For some reason, the judge didn't seem to think that intelligent design was based on credible science, and thought that the intelligent design rhetoric was being used as a means to introduce religion into public schools. Religion shmeligion, I know that I didn't come from no dirty apes. Instead, I came from a much more glamorous process- I came from Adam...who had sex with eve...whose kids had sex with each other, and their kids had sex with each other and voila the human race was created.

Two weeks after a protest that culminated in gunfire and bloodshed, the rebellious farmers and fishermen of Dongzhou, China have been reduced to submission. Read this article and you'll be glad you don't live an opressive country like China. Oh wait, you can't even make Jack Black soundboard prank calls to your friends from Iran without the Bush Administration spying on you! Scary times my lil smokies, scary times...

This picture, one of Yahoo's most emailed, is absolutely awful..don't click on it if you're interested in eating honeybaked ham this holiday season.

This picture, another one of Yahoo's most emailed, will make you feel slightly better after viewing the image above.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Bush backs down on torture

(Asian Ronalds are pretty creepy, and pear-shaped) is claiming that terror suspect Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was detained in 2004, but Iraqi forces let him go because they didn't know his identity. This tragic tale reminds me of the summer of 1995 when I threw away the McDonalds Monopoly Park Place game piece that would have let me win a sweet Corvette....It's just like that time, except lives are at stake in in Iraq and I was like 12 in 1995, so the 'vette would have collected dust in my driveway.

Senator John McCain and President Bush came to an agreement today on an anti-torture bill. Bush stated "We share a common goal -- that is to protect the American people and to win the war on terror." I guess the only difference between the two of them is their preferred methods for achieving this goal. McCain, a torture victim, believes in the Geneva Convention, and Bush, well he's a fan of nipple clamps and sleep deprivation. I haven't read the article, but I assume that the monumental agreement will replace the nipple clamps with the DVD collection of R. Kelly's trapped in the closet series (someone tell me those things are a joke)

President Bush said that he thinks former Majority Leader Tom Delay is not guilty of money laundering charges. Bush explained his assertion by stating that he liked Delay because he gets his bills through Congress. Bush also defended now ousted Representative Dirty Duke Cunningham and has been lobbying for five years to get a unicorn for the DC Zoo. But really, Delay is innocent because Bush likes him? That's like saying Scott Peterson is innocent because he's so damn dreamy...seriously, I want to be his jailhouse bride.

In other news, I have decided that Kong is either going to be amazing, or will make me want to vomit my novelty sized 10 dollar movie theater beverage on a stranger. Part of the reason I'm skeptical is that I'm not sure if I can take Jack Black seriously...especially after playing around with this (really, click it, it's hilarious).

Finally, I want to wish my brother a very happy 26th birthday. I love you man, even though you're old.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Chertoff: Crushed

(The US Secretary of State and gangsta rapper Yo Yo Ma share a moment on stage)

DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff is reportedly "crushed" at the news that one of the laziest letter-writing contractors in his department will depart in January. When asked about how the department could recover from such a monumental resignation, Chertoff said "I'm hungry, I want a breakfast burrito, and don't worry, DHS will continue to suck after he leaves."

In movie news, I found Jesus (saw Narnia) yesterday afternoon. If I knew Jesus was a sweet lion-warrior I would have been going to church years ago. But in all honesty, see the movie, it will change your at the very least make you want some sweet, sweet Turkish Delight.

An analysis has concluded that the US is facing credibility issues abroad. For some reason, the international community (read smelly Euros) isn't thrilled about secret detention facilities and allegations of outsourcing the torture of military detainees. In an effort to re-establish our tarnished reputation and find common ground, Condoleeza Rice has been sent to Europe to demonstrate that Americans too can have horrible teeth.

The US has decided to lift its ban on Japanese beef, after Japan has lifted its sanction on America's cow products. This man, who misunderstood the US trade policy, was elated at the news, stating that he was relieved that he was now legal in the US.

A man who posted a false entry on wikipedia linking John Seigenthaler Sr. to the assassination of JFK issued an apology last week. In other news, how could I be missing out on the opportunity to post lies on wikipedia for so long? Really, why does this have to be the only forum for my lies?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Snow in DC NIB

(above: an example of why ESL entrepreneurs should run the name of their proposed establishments by friends who are more familiar with penile-terminology)

President Bush made a trip to North Carolina yesterday to tell the country that the economy is better than you think and that the "Best days are yet to come." Next on the President's schedule is a stop in Iowa where he will tell the country that Sigfreid and Roy aren't in love and that Justin Timberlake is half black.

Texas lawmaker and former House Majority Leader Tom Delay will face trial for money laundering early next year. The conspiracy charge against Delay was thrown out by a judge yesterday, but that didn't seem to help the polls in Delay's district that indicate Delay would lose in the 2006 elections. According to pollsters, Texans said that they couldn't trust a man whose money smelled like Snuggle.

Jennifer Aniston is pretty upset about a paparazzi photo of her boob. Aniston has threatened to sue the boobie-bandit whose lense caught her topless while posing for the upcoming issue of GQ. In other news, it seems that my work computer doesn't allow the search term "Aniston+naked+boobie."

China has confirmed another human case of bird flu. As this situation seems to worsen, I have to ask one question...why won't the the Chinese stop having sex with birds?

In other news, this dog (may it rest in peace) still makes me want to throw up.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

News in Briefs: Arnold selects gay dem as CoS

Arnold shocked the golden state when he announced his new chief of staff. Susan Kennedy is a democrat, a Gray Davis cabinet secretary, a former abortion rights group director, and one of the highest profile gay politicians in Sacramento. Arnold described his new chief of staff as "a woman that is known as being a hardworking woman, dedicated, and is willing to work whatever it takes to get the job done. She's willing to set her Democratic philosophy aside and do the job and do my vision -- to be able to work together with Democrats and Republicans." Unfortunately for Kennedy, when Arnold said that he expected her to "do my vision" he was referring to his fantasy of girl on girl action...come on, the guy's a perv and he doesn't speak english very well.

A USA Today article calls the Department of Homeland Security's hotline a hotbed of weak tips. The only reason I read this article was because I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing out on a warm bed somewhere here in this vast wasteland of misery I call work.

I vowed to leave Tom and Katie alone but this article is too damn funny to keep from my vast readership. Cruise admitted in a Barbara Walters interview earlier this week that he bought a sonogram machine to personally monitor the baby that rests in the womb of B list actress and brainwash victim, Katie Holmes. According to the article, "the couch-jumping thesp told Walters that he did not know the sex of his offspring, but that he saw "a little baby" when he performed the ultrasound." However upon a further investigation it was determined that Cruise did not see "a little baby" and instead was monitoring the progress of a little ball of crazy.

Senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton defended her vote in favor of the war in Iraq. Clinton admitted that if she knew what she knows today she wouldn't have voted in favor of the war. However, she stated that she does not support a plan to immediately pull out of Iraq. Clinton is trying to appease the liberal democratic base that could determine her fate in the presidential primary while at the same time appearing hawkish to increase her chances at winning favor with the general public...definitely not an enviable duty. In other news, remember how much John Kerry sucked? Really, someone tell him to stop making public appearances...and if he thinks about running again, I will run my own swift boat ads claiming that he ate babies in Beirut.