Thursday, June 30, 2005

Rep. Peter King Doesn't Hold Back

Imagine writing your Congressman about your disapproval of the President only to get a reply calling you "morally, intellectually, and politically wrong." Well that's exactly what happened to New York resident Harry Halikias when he wrote to Congressman Peter King. It seems that King does not take lightly to criticisms of the Republican agenda and the Bush administration. King was also reported responding to an email from a constituent by saying "I am in receipt of your March 5th e-mail and regret that you don't know as much about social security as you pretend. Frankly it is truly unfortunate that you chose to resort to adolescent-like name-calling against the president rather than attempt to discuss the issue intelligently."

Anyone who has worked in politics is aware of the multitude of junk and stupid opinions that are dumped on the doorstep of Members of Congress. The politically savvy are also aware of the methods to politely blow off those who choose to send their input to their elected representatives. A simple "thanks for your opinions, I will take them into consideration" usually does the trick. So, King's habit of taking critical letters personally and directing insults back at the constituents is pretty shocking. His behavior and lack of etiquette is completely unacceptable, but it is also pretty damn awesome at the same time. How many times have you been forced to pretend to value the opinion of someone that you have felt is completely ignorant? Here is a Member of Congress telling people exactly how he feels, and making no excuses about it. Too bad for King the campaign strategists for his opponents in 2006 may not share my admiration for the straight shooter.

Will Kobayashi Fall this Fourth?

Independence Day means fireworks, barbecues, American flag apparel, and yes, competitive eating. What's more American than dipping hot dogs in water and shoving them down your throat until you puke? I think George Shea, co-founder of the International Federation of Competitive eating was right when he said that "competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer waged war for men's souls." The question looming in the minds of many Americans this weekend will be if 5'7 131 pound Takeru Kobayashi will return to Japan for the fifth year in a row as the world's best hot dog eater. Since we are the world's most obese nation, I feel that it is only appropriate that an American win Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition this year. Our country's best hope for defeating Kobayashi is 420 pound subway driver Eric Booker. Booker claims that he was able to eat 41 hot dogs earlier this year, but skeptics feel that he is no match for Kobayashi, who set the world record by eating 53.5 dogs in last year's competition. While many Americans choose to relax and vacation this weekend, Booker will be restless, knowing that the hopes and dreams of a nation lie on his brawny shoulders. Good luck Mr. Booker, our country depends on you.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Tom Cruise thinks you should believe in aliens...

When a German reporter asked if Cruise believed in alternative life forms, he responded with a question of his own: "Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in this universe?" Well Tom, maybe I am arrogant enough to think that we are the only forms of life in the galaxy but I am definitely not arrogant enough to use the word "glib" on national television, call psychiatry "pseudo science," and publicly denounce Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants.

This guy has definitely lost it, and you know that Steven Spielberg is pretty pissed right now. The only thing Tom Cruise could do to alienate and offend more people across the world would be to take a dump on the Koran. I mean it was bad enough when the guy insulted a woman who slept with Andre Agassi on a regular basis, but now he's talking about UFOs. Maybe Katie Holmes is an alien, and that's why Tom reacted so strongly to the question. That would be the only explanation for her putting up with his insanity...well that, and a buttload of money and publicity...but the alien theory is so much more fun!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Napster Takes a Crapster

Much to the chagrin of dorm room DJs across the nation, yesterday's Supreme Court ruling declared that the firms behind file sharing programs like Grockster and Morpheus can be sued for copyright violations. While I'm not sure if the precedent established in the case is a good thing, I think it is time young people realize what they are doing is wrong, and it is stealing.

I will admit, there was a time when I tried to justify the use of file sharing programs to download copyrighted music, but there was also a time when I thought Capri Suns were the bees knees. But really, let's call a spade a spade, and a crime a crime. Not many of today's broadband bandits would dare walk into Best Buy and walk out of it with a stolen R. Kelly album or a copy of Beetlejuice on DVD. So how does doing the same thing from the comfort of your ergonomic desk chair make it acceptable? It doesn't you little nerdy thieves, so stop downloading, and make like you're from the mid-90s and pay for your movies and music.

P.S. I still think that guy Lars from Metallica was a douche for trying to shut down Napster.

Is First Class That Bad?

The sad news today about the death of WalMart Heir John Walton makes me wonder why rich people insist on flying their own planes. The untimely deaths of JFK Jr., John Denver, Sinbad, and Benihana* all prove that even if you whipe your ass with hundred dollar bills, you're better off just flying first class.

*To my knowledge neither Sinbad, or Benihana (which isn't the name of a person, but a restaurant) are actually dead. It's just that I couldn't think of names of other famous people who have died piloting their own planes.

Monday, June 27, 2005

First, let me apologize for my lack of activity to anyone who may have checked out the site over the last five days. I was sidelined with a light case of the bubonic plague, but now I am feeling a little better and I am back on track to make sure that this site contains useless information and pointless commentary.

Second, is it possible that the sensational hip hop band B2K will become unintended victims of public backlash due to confusion with the recently convicted serial killer, BTK? I hope not, those boys sure can dance...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

11 year old cub scout lacks common sense

Brennan Hawkins, the eleven year old cub scout who was missing for four days, should be black balled from the Boy Scouts of America and stripped of all his merit badges.

"The boy had seen some searchers on horseback but avoided them because he was scared."

- Need I comment on this one? The boy is obviously challenged.

"The boy apparently eluded thousands of searchers by defying conventional wisdom: He went up instead of down."

- Whatever happened to staying put? You silly, silly, bastard.

"The boy kept warm by getting into "Midget mode" where he squatted down and pulled his sweatshirt over his knees."

- I find the term "midget mode" highly offensive to the little persons living amongst us. The use of this term does not embody the Boy Scout's Christian values.

"Friends of an 11-year-old boy who was found alive in the Utah wilderness said Wednesday the boy wasn't scared during his ordeal. "

- The kid can't even get his story straight, he already said he was frightened of the people trying to rescue him!

After downing bottles of water and eating all the granola bars carried by a group of volunteer searchers, the boy asked to play a video game on one rescuer's cell phone, the sheriff said.

- Craving cell phone video games after four days of wandering in the wilderness proves that this kid is definitely too nerdy to be a Scout.

The boy carried no food or water when he vanished Friday, and his family had said he did not have a good sense of direction.

- This statement is a bit redundant.

Honestly Brennan, we are glad you were found alive, safe and sound. But please, before you soil the name of Boy Scouts across America, please do not show up to Den 15's meeting next Tuesday. The Boy Scouts would rather have a homosexual among their ranks.

Insert witty use of Schwarzenegger film title here

Polls show that two out of the three ballot initiatives pushed by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will fail in November's special election. The Polls indicate that the citizens of the best state in the Union are not supporting the Governor's proposed cap on school spending, and do not support the use of retired judges to determine California's districts. However, the poll shows support for increasing the time required for teachers to receive tenure. As a product of California public schools, and a former pupil of a tenured teacher who stalked me and lived in the classroom supply closet, I would endorse this initiative.

As support for the Republican Governor continues to dwindle, and the novelty of having an action hero at the helm of Sacramento is fading, it is appropriate to question the necessity of the upcoming special election. If California's Legislature is so out of step with its citizens, why did they elect them to office the first place? If the state is spending millions of dollars to hold the special election, why not put the members of the Legislature up for re-election to test their approval? This solution is far superior than turning over the intricacies of policy-making to the uninformed masses of the state. Throw the bums out of office, or let them make the laws.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Blimps and Dead Dogs

The Goodyear Blimp was forced to make a crash-landing in an industrial park in Florida early this morning. The crash further proves the notion that blimps are dumb and planes work much better. It's 2005, haven't we learned from the Hindenburg disaster? You don't see people driving around in steam powered automobiles anymore, so why must we continue to fly around in helium balloons? My bet is that Goodyear planned the crash landing in an effort to receive free advertising.

On a funny note, unless for some silly reason you care about animals, two PETA employees were arrested and charged with animal cruelty after they were caught red-handed dumping dead dogs and cats into a shopping center garbage bin. I really don't know where to begin with this one, so I will instead refer to the official statement made by the government of the Philippines in reaction to the story. "We are outraged at the actions of PETA, and we hope justice will be swift and thorough. No organization should be allowed to throw away perfectly good meat." Get it? It's funny because they eat domestic animals!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Death Wins!

The Terri Schiavo case divided the country for months last Winter until Congress and the White House could no longer keep her in her divinely ordained vegetative state. But now, well yesterday, but I'm just reading about it now so for the sake of this piece, now, the autopsy results have been released to the public. The results show that if you sided with death on this death versus life issue, you are clearly the victor. Poor Terri had half of a brain, was blind, and "doctors said Schiavo's reactions were automatic responses and not evidence of thought or consciousness."

But the debate is not over my friends, many Americans, including the Schiavo family, continue to ignore medical professionals and the basic tenets of science and still claim that Schiavo was conscious during her fifteen years of torture in an assisted living facility. Schiavo's family now want to have their personal doctors examine the autopsy results, and perhaps take legal action against her husband for removing her feeding tube. Maybe Presidential hopeful, Dr. Bill "you can get AIDS from saliva" Frist will take up the job? Interestingly, the autopsy did not support the pro-death theory that Schiavo collapsed in 1990 due to an eating disorder, and it also did not support the pro-life theory that Schiavo's husband strangled her.

The last thing this issue needs is more debate, and d-bags like me giving their spin on the poor soul's fate. I just hope that Terri can now rest in peace.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Diseases are so hott right now

I'm blowing the whistle, it has officially gotten out of hand. The disease wristband fad has to end. It is so incredibly wrong for life threatening illnesses to be a fashion statement. I came to this epiphany while talking with a gentleman who adorned himself in five separate disease-oriented bracelets. The multi-colored philanthropy bands ran up his forearm, almost to his elbow. These bands, which undoubtedly gave him chafage on a hot summer day, represented a sundry of diseases and included a chartreuse band that represented lupus awareness. People are looking downright silly, and it's safe to say that most bracelet wearing people are more motivated by trend than a sincere desire to cure a disease. If they really wanted to eradicate testicular cancer they would donate more than a dollar Lance's super cool Nike charity, and the truly selfless wouldn't feel the need to display their generosity to the world by wearing a stupid bracelet.

While some people may wear the bands with good intentions, it is obvious that Nike is now looking to profit on disease fashion with their faux charity bands, or what they call "baller bands." I mean come on now, the bracelets were bad enough when they represented cancer awareness, but now they just represent how absurd our rubber accessory-loving country truly is.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Wait, so being fat won't make me live longer?

Put down the Krispy Creme and the venti, with whip, two pump, caramel mocha mint brownie Frappuccino. Criticisms are emerging of a study conducted last month by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Cancer Institute, which claimed that individuals who were overweight, but not obese, have a lower death risk than those who are normal or underweight. The counter-intuitive findings in the study have come under attack from the Harvard School of Public Health and the American Cancer Society who have dubbed it's methods "deeply flawed." As the research methods of the study are torn to shreds, the CDC is toning down the "its okay to be chunky" rhetoric and NY Times columnist David Brooks may want to rethink his assertion "that Mother Nature - unlike Ivy League admissions committees - doesn't like suck-ups."

It seems that the honeymoon may be over for the folks searching for a few extra years of life at the bottom of a bucket of KFC, but come on now, you already knew that the study was too good to be true and Richard Simmons wouldn't sweat to the oldies without purpose.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Give Aruba a Break

Some may feel that the disappearance of 18-year-old Natalee Holloway in Aruba serves as a wake up call for Americans looking to blow off steam abroad. Holloway, who was vacationing with 100 other Alabama teens in Aruba to celebrate their high school graduation, was last seen leaving a night club with two local men at around 2 am on May 30. However, as the dramatic search for any clues to her whereabouts continues, why aren't people asking how this girl's classmates could exhibit such poor judgment? When a responsible person is at a nightclub and a female friend is taking off with a group of male townies to an undisclosed location, they use their head and bust out a fierce cockblock. Part of the the blame should rest on her friends for not talking her out of such a poor decision, and Holloway herself for putting herself in such an awful predicament. It is convenient to make the location of the abduction the the focal point of the Holloway abduction story. But, before the Aruban tourism industry is decimated and Americans start boycotting goods made in Aruba like delicious balashi beer, they need to realize that this horrific event could have easily occurred anywhere in the United States.


Here I am, joining the ranks of the internet savvy and headline-hungry in cyberspace, and I am not sure what it means. Alright, I'll be honest, I know exactly what it means. It means that I now have an electronic outlet for my self-important rhetoric and nonsense that nobody in their right mind would be interested in viewing, and in all likelihood, no one will ever view. I wouldn't want it any other way. I am happy to hop on the blog bandwagon, because if you're not on the intertron or internets, or whatever you choose to call it, you are simply unimportant. So yes, here I am, with a URL and even a super cool colorful background, and I am ready to be important. I may not break any stories, or even provide you with links to anything of decent content, but I will remain a reliable source of BS, and a beacon for simplicity.