Friday, March 24, 2006

Ohhh Drahma

I guess there are some family disputes more exciting than requesting emancipation from your parents (Aaron Carter is still a badass). R. Kelly's brother, Carey Kelly, is claiming that R. Kelly tried to bribe him into taking the rap for the infamous sex tape. But Carey Kelly, like any good brother is speaking digital clarity! Yes, the brother released a DVD with a variety of accusations against his brother including accusing him of being bisexual, a wife beater, a child molester, and a Kenny Loggins fan.

(Sweet belt buckle, perv)

Naturally, I have a couple comments on this story. 1) Is this DVD available on Because I really need it, and 2)Thank god I look nothing like my siblings (way more attractive) because Lord knows I wouldn't agree to taking the rap for my brother's infamous Star Wars tape.

My favorite quote from the story:

"I got a call about a year and a half ago," Carey claims on the DVD, produced by Drahma Magazine. "My brother wanted me to do some s--t pertaining to this case that would leave me behind bars with a record deal. It doesn't make sense, so I turned it down."

Drahma Magazine! How do I become a subscriber?! (warning: when you click on the link, the site blasts some phat rap tunes)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission: must be bored

Texas is sending in undercover agents to arrest people INSIDE bars who are drunk. Aside from being one of the most horrible things I've ever heard, I am a little curious as to how the undercover agents decide who is drunk enough to be arrested. Maybe send in this woman (pictured below) and the first person to hit on her gets arrested?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

News in briefs

The Illinois Democratic primary proved that life isn't all that hard out here for a gimp. (note: it's not offensive to call a war hero a gimp if you only do it because it rhymes with pimp)

The public will have the chance to buy goods from the house that Republican corruption built. A leather sofa is among the Ex-Congressman's possessions up for auction...of all things to buy with millions of dollars in bribes why in God's name would you want your living room to look like the set of Miami Vice? Nevermind, this guy's a Republican, he obviously has no taste.

Aaron Carter is way cooler than Nick Lachey. Who needs divorce drama when you've got a minor filing for emancipation? "In December 2003, 16-year-old Aaron publicly fired his manager-mother, Jane, and filed for legal emancipation, alleging she stole more than $100,000 from him. The two made up a month later, but Carter moved in with his father after his parent's split." This story reminds me of the time when my Mom asked me for some ten dollars because she didn't have cash, and then when I asked her for my money back later she responded by saying "I brought you into this life, I can take you out of it." Yep, Aaron and I have a lot in common. And by the way Aaron, kudos on the bowlcut.

A man tossed a suspicious package onto the North Lawn of the White House on this morning, setting off a security alert, and was taken into custody. Supposedly this guy has done stuff like this before, which lends one question...what the hell was he doing on Pennsylvania Ave? If we can't keep nutjobs from throwing crap on the WH lawn, how on earth will we ever win the war on terror? Terror must be laughing at us...wait a second "terror" isn't a country, it's an emotion...this whole time I thought googlemaps was full of crap.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

WH Aide caught stealing from Target

This story is hilarious, yet depressing. Despite his six figure salary and what Administration officials described as a "keen moral compass," former White House aide Claude Allen was caught running a scam where he would return stuff to Target that he didn't pay for. It's depressing because Allen was a Bush Administration posterboy (he was the highest ranking African American in the Administration). He even sat next to Laura Bush during the State of the Union.

("I know I didn't pay for the stereo, that's why I'm returning it.")

I think Allen's political record is more embarassing than his retail fraud. Allen was a huge homophobe- he was a big backer of banning gay marriages and he failed to get nominated to the Federal Judiciary partly due to the fact that he referred to a political opponent as vulnerable because he was "in with the queers." This didn't stop the Bush Administration from apponting him deputy secretary of HHS where he pushed abstinence-only policies, and questioned the promotion of condom use.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

manorexia is not just for emo kids

Dennis Quaid (Randy's brother) has reportedly received professional help for a condition referred to as "manorexia." On a mean note, manorexia is clearly not a genetic disorder.

(Randy, battling multiple chins and still waiting to film Kingpin II)

Friday, March 10, 2006

Is Obama on the cream or the clear?

(Passion or roid rage? You be the judge)

A source close to Pick's Post has allegedly seen Illinois junior Senator Barack Obama pushing obscene amounts of weight at a local DC gym. The eyewitness saw Obama complete over twelve repitions on the incline bench with 70lb dumbells. Later in the workout, the Senator was handily pushing 360lbs on the leg press machine. This information leads to one pressing question. Is the superstar Senator juicing? When asked to respond to these allegations Obama's office had no comment at press time. However, rumors are circulating in the Capitol that Majority Leader Bill Frist will call for Obama to provide a urine sample on the Senate floor as early as next week. I'd like to think the Senator was all-natural, but I have to admit that his Senate floor speech on lobbying reform seemed far too powerful for an individual not relying on the use of performance enhancing drugs.

(An enlarged head is a telling sign of a juicer)

Monday, March 06, 2006

Gov Rounds caves to coat hanger lobby

(Rounds: extremely tan, and wants you to have your rapist's baby)

As if John Thune wasn't reason enough to hate the state, South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds signed a bill outlawing abortions in South Dakota. The law restricts abortions even in extreme cases involving rape and incest. After signing the bill, the Governor justified his actions by saying, "In the history of the world, the true test of a civilization is how well people treat the most vulnerable and most helpless in their society." Think what you want about abortion, but I'm not sure if we would pass our "true test of civilization" if we don't consider victims of rape and incest among the most vulnerable. I dunno, I think it might be a little awkward to give birth to my father's kid, but I'm old fashioned. Supporters hope that the blatantly unconstitutional law will make it's way to the Supreme Court and forcing the reconsideration of the landmark Roe V. Wade case.

In brighter news, at least you don't look like this guy. I guess years of partying really does turn you into Skeletor.

Friday, March 03, 2006

News in Bikini Briefs

(never trust a man with a mustache, he may wreck your multiple homes)

A Fairfax County man was captured yesterday, and will be arraigned on bigamy charges after his story was aired on Dr. Phil's tv show. In a related story, the Fairfax County District Attorney will go before the court under the charge of straight playa hatin, hiyooo! I think Dr. Phil goes by "Doctor" because he has his PHD, a player hatin degree. Oh man, I'm on a roll...being married to multiple women at once is hilarious (yet heartbreaking).

Dave Chappelle's Block Party opened in theaters today. The documentary follows Chapelle as he organizes a hip hop concert (undoubtedly a waste of ten dollars). The film is bound to disappoint the thousands of lamos who won't give up their awful impressions of Chapelle's impressions. Don't act like you don't know huu-whaaat!! I'm talking about.

(Mos Def: Bad ass, but battling a horrible speech impediment)

16 Blocks, which stars Bruce Willis and Mos Def also opened today. Without actually reading the review I can safely tell you that the movie is pretty much the same as Die Hard 3 (because it stars Bruce Willis and a black guy). So I recommend that you save the ten bucks and watch Die Hard 3 because it is always on TNT and you can use the extra money to buy bananas and bran muffins. I also have a little message for Mr. Def...please stop mumbling! I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

(Alba: had this photo taken at JC Penny)

B- list celebrity Jessica Alba is complaining about appearing on the cover of this month's Playboy magazine. I guess she is not featured nude in the magazine and fears that the cover might hurt her non-existent reputation and career. The whole situation is stupid and she should be thankful that she's getting exposure beyond acne-faced Maxim-reading pre-teens. No offense to Maxim subscribers, they have some really insightful articles in there.