Tuesday, January 31, 2006

and the state of the union is.....

SCOTUS nominee Samuel Alito was confirmed by the Senate today. I won't say I told you so. Lincoln Chafee was the only Republican Senator to vote against Alito. It only makes sense that the hottest Republican in Congress would also be the most reasonable. Really, I've seen him in person, his locks are quite golden.

Alito made his associate justice debut tonight at the State of the Union address, and the black robe is actually quite slimming. Speaking of the STOU address, it's going on as I type and I hate to admit that I am very tempted to watch Moesha re-runs on UPN instead of sitting through about an hour of hallow promises and grandstanding. But, I shall sit through it in the name of my four readers so that I can provide insightful commentary.

Oh, and by the way. I might have caught something in London.

And it only cost me one pound!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

From London with Love

The ACLU is back at it again. The Washington Post reported today that they reached an agreement with a New Jersey high school for a male student to wear skirts. The male student took up skirt wearing in protest of the school's ban on shorts. Another resounding victory for human rights! Congrats ACLU...I'm sure the detainees at Camp X-Ray are celebrating in Cuba. Well, they would be celebrating if they could get those electrodes off their testicles.

Disney has reportedly bought Pixar. What does this mean to us? Absolutely nothing unless you're a big nerd, or one of the many lame adults who enjoy computer animated kiddie movies. By the looks of the picture below, Steve Jobs and the new Disney CEO look very excited about the merger. Come on guys, it looks like you're at a middle school dance...how about coming in for the real thing.

Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales argued yesterday that the requirements of a secret intelligence court are too cumbersome for rapid pursuit of suspected terrorists. Gonzales then said that the Constitution is pretty cumbersome too, and that the Founding Fathers hated freedom and would have let Bin Laden kill your favorite pet. He followed up by demanding the White House Press Corp's internet histories because he thinks they're all panda-porn-aficianados. Really folks, believing the legal interpretations from the Administration is like believing that the normal retail price for that gold watch on QVC is really $190.00.

Senate Minority Leader Harry M. Reid apologized last week for a news release that he said went too far in lambasting Republicans for shoddy ethics. Republicans were upset when Reid called them dirty do badders who are worse than Tony Soprano, Leroy Brown and Stalin. I agree with the need for an apology...we all know that nobody is badder than Leroy Brown. Obama for minority leader!!

News from London!! Their version of the hit show Deal or no Deal is much worse than the American version (yes, I didn't think it was possible either). This dude makes Mandel look like Selek!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Bin Laden or the Jerky Boys, you decide

A few hours ago the arab television station Al Jazeera aired an audio taped allegedly recorded by Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, who we have not heard from in over a year, promised attacks on US soil soon but he also offered a conditional long term truce. Some are skeptical at the authenticity of the recording, and some have even blamed the tape on the notorious and hilarious prank callers, the Jerky Boys. Let me be the first to condemn them for their insensitive actions. The Arnold Schwarzenegger pizza parlor prank call was funny, but threatening the lives of US citizens definitely crosses the line.

The Bush administration has issued a subpoena to Google in an effort to receive information about pornography search queries. Google has refused to provide the information because they believe the request is overreaching, but the government claims that the information is needed to protect children from pornography. The case will be heard by a Federal court in Pennsylvania, but until then, I recommend that perverts use Yahoo! for all of their "girl+dog+wang" and "panda sex" queries.

Both sides of the aisle in Congress are in the process of proposing lobbying regulation legislation. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid said that passing the Republican party's legislation would be as bad as "letting Brownie come back to FEMA." Am I the only one that thinks this analogy sucks? I mean first off, it's outdated. Second, once you use the word Brownie and people all of a sudden become distracted and hungry. And stop me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Harry Reid refused to give up his Abramoff contributions? Congress needs to clean house...it's just unfortunate that Democratic leadership blows so hard that they can't even come up with a good message to capitalize on the Abramoff scandal. The solution? Pass the microphone to the man standing to your right Mr. Reid.

In other news, I'm not moving to California.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Repubs must choose between Blunt or Boehner

(Roy Blunt: a friend of tobacco and a face for radio)

House Republicans will soon choose who gets the red rose (who becomes the next Majority Leader). The frontrunners in the race are acting Majority Leader Roy Blunt of Missouri and John Boehner of Ohio (sadly, it's pronounced "bayner"). Critics have pointed out that both of these potential leaders have strong ties to lobbyists, which could hurt their credibility in wake of the whacky-Jack Abramoff scandal. Specifically, Boehner has recieved large amounts of campaign contributions from Sallie Mae, a private student loan company. Some may find this significant because Boehner chairs the House Committee that writes student loan laws. Boehner is also infamous for doling out tobacco industry contributions to Republican members on the House floor. As for Blunt, he has pretty close ties to lobbying as well...he's married to one who represents Philip Morris, his largest campaign contributor. In fact, Blunt tried to attach a provision in a homeland security bill that would have protected the tobacco industry from online cigarette sales. In summation, it looks like the ruling party in the House will ultimately be headed by a sleazy friend of special interest...and the Deomcratic party continues to be headed by one of the least appealing individuals in DC. Really, the guy who asks me for change on 7th street has more charisma than Harry Reid.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

(whatever the hell this thing is, I want one!)

Maybe my last post was a little dramatic. I'm probably not a mighty phoenix rising from the ashes...I'm more of a wounded pigeon, hobbling away from the ashes. Either way, the ashes are being disposed of.

This week marks the start of the Alito Senate confirmation hearings. Yesterday, members of the Senate Judiciary Committee were given a chance to present their opening statements. For those of you with lives and aren't big nerds like me, I will summarize them for you:

Democratic Member X: "Abortion, Abortion, executive priviledge...John Kerry"
Republican Member Y: "You aren't a baby killer are you?...George Bush"

Yes folks, that was an exact summary of yesterday's proceedings. I have decided that this is the last time I will cover the Alito hearings, not only because I can't think of anything funny about them, but because we need to realize that this is a big ridiculous show, and in the end, Alito will be confirmed.

Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe have decided to separate after eight years of marriage. I have to admit, I have no idea who Chad Lowe is, and when I saw the headline I was hoping that she was married to uber-hunk Rob Lowe, star of Wayne's World II.

A bomb was found inside the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco yesterday. The device, which was live, prompted the evacuation of 100 people in a four block radius. SF Police are currently searching for suspects, but I think I have a hunch. It was probably that guy you see every day at Starbucks who refuses to order correctly. Yes, him. The guy who orders a "medium" instead of a "grande." This man was so worn down by the tall, grande, venti system that he thought he could set them straight by causing an explosion of urine and feces. Speaking of which...do not eat at Dupont Italian Kitchen.

This has to be the most disturbing story of 2006.

Druggie and Kurt Cobain-Widow Courtney Love seems to be having some financial troubles. It is reported that Love allowed a mortgage company to foreclose on a home occupied by Cobain's sister. Love reportedly has no money because Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl has been "taking money from (her) child for years." I was shocked to hear that the Foo Fighter frontman would do such a thing...I mean taking candy from a baby is one thing, but taking money is a whole different level. However, my fears subsided after the reporter asked how Grohl managed to extort the money and Love's only response was "me want some smack."

Friday, January 06, 2006

Pick is back

Yes, like a mighty phoenix I am rising up from the ashes and bringing you the most important news of note. I apologize for the sabbatical, I know you have all been ignorant assholes without my news in briefs. I wish I could say I was on vacation...but I guess it could have been a vacation if my pool of tears was deep enough to swim in. Anywho, here they are...

(From Bobby's World to Deal or no Deal, will superstar sensation Mandel host the Oscars? Read NIB and find out!)

The District of Columbia grew some balls this week and passed the smoke-free ordinance. Active in 2007, DC's restaurants, bars, offices, and nightclubs will no longer have the right to give you lung cancer. While this is great news for DC residents and tourists, I expect that it will had an adverse effect on the sales of my patented bar wigs. Critics who oppose the ban claim that the restrictions will hurt businesses and hurts civil liberties. However, upon further investigation the critics most concerned with the ban turned about to be manufacturers of those microphones that make you sound like a robot when you have your throat gutted.

In an effort to appeal to the liberal base of the Democratic party and position himself for a 2008 Presidential bid, Virginia Governor Mark Warner has ordered a DNA test that could exonerate a man who was executed in 1992. The results could be announced as early as next week and could potentially deal a serious blow to citizens of the Commonwealth who feel that spending millions of taxpayer dollars to kill criminals is a worthy endeavor. Really death penalty proponents, have a heart.

After excluding the city of Las Vegas in the Department of Homeland Security's Urban Areas Security Initiative grant program, which is aimed at hardening potential urban terrorist targets, Senator Harry Reid asked DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff to resign. DHS officials have scrambled to justify the exclusion of Sin City in the grant program...but there is only one real explanation for the debacle and I can sum it up in two words...my bad.

Liberals across the country were seen raising the roof in reaction to the news that comedian and Daily Show host Jon Steward has been tapped to host the 2006 Academy Awards. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed at the Academy's decision...I assumed that Howie Mandel's fantastical hosting skills demonstrated on Deal or no Deal made him a clear choice for the show. However, I'll take Stewart over the Academy's second choice, the d-bag bowtie-wearing, ex-crossfire host Tucker Carlson.

In light of the coal mining tragedy in West Virginia, President Bush has declared an 8-month moratorium on hillbilly jokes. Seriously guys, they're not funny now. They were funny before, but give them eight months. In related news, Jay Leno is not funny. I hadn't seen the Tonight Show in years until last week, and let's just say that I'm worried about Kevin Eubanks (because he's the only person who seems to think Jay is funny).

Independence Air officially closed its doors this morning. The bankrupt airline proves the theory that it doesn't make sense to charge less money for a flight than a box of altoids. Is there anybody who didn't see this coming? Oh you didn't? Well you're an idiot. Sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm just going through an emotional stage in my life right now (read menopause).