Monday, February 27, 2006

40 days

Well folks, Mardi Gras is wrapping up its annual booz-and-boob-fest in New Orleans this week and we're approaching that special season of the year...Lent. Yep, it's time to celebrate the time-honored tradition of depriving yourself of something you like until Easter. Of course we do this in honor of when Jesus gave up eating Pepperidge Farm chocolate chip cookies for forty days (they were his only vice). So, as I was thinking of ways to deprive myself, I came up with a list of things other people should give up.

DJs: In da Club

There is no reason for you to still play this awful song. For Lent's sake, take it off your playlists because if I have to hear one more annoying drunk girl sing "go shorty, it's your berfday" I will urinate myself as a display of anger. I would even prefer that Little John song that talks about perspiration in his nether region over In da Club by 50 Cent.

Samuel L. Jackson: Movies

Please Sam, I beg of you, for forty days stop making movies. Have you ever said no to a script? I loved Pulp Fiction just as much as the next guy, but since then you've starred in a movie every other week and the majority of them blow. Freedomland, that horrid-looking movie with Eugene Levy, XXX State of the Union, and Coach Carter are just to name a few of the awful movies you've been in lately. Oh, and the same goes for Christopher Walken. C-Walk please show some restraint and take a breather for forty days. You're a dramatic genius, but even a Ukranian cab driver would have passed on starring in the flaming pile of crap known as Gigli.

Jessica Simpson: Being famous

(pictured: the best and most creepy artistic rendering of Simpson, ever)

Can you please disappear for forty days. I'll admit I thought you were pretty hot in 1999 when you were in that video on the Santa Monica Pier (why on earth do I remember that?) But I'm confused why people seem to care what and who you're doing. Honestly, there is no reason my mother should be able to pick you out of a lineup. Let's name the things you have going for you:

1) Looks (if you're into that)
2) Voice (I have no idea if this is true)
3) Ability to make even the dumbest people feel smarter?

These "talents" in no way justify your exposure. Plus, I'm sick of seeing you on the damn TV trying to sell me pizza with balls of cheese on the crust or whatever disgusting new method Domino's has developed to make our country even fatter. So please honey, take a forty day timeout and hopefully America will realize that they were better off with you gone. As for Nick Lachey, you deserve the hype man...that 98 degrees tattoos is sweet.

Deceptive Panhandlers

Living in the city has made me pretty numb to panhandlers, but sometimes they can really get to me. Like the time a guy asked me if I was in movies and I told him that I wasn't (the stag films don't count) and he said "oh, well you should be in the movies." The exchange left me a little confused, but also a tad bit flattered. This was until he followed me for a city block asking me for change and then when I told him I had none (which was the truth) he said "you could never be in the movies cheapass whiteboy." So please deceptive panhandlers just be honest during lent, there is no reason to build up my ego and then when you find that I have no spare change crush my movie star aspirations. (The picture of the Jesus-esque panhandler above is not in poor taste, so lay off).

Another reason not to live in Pittsburgh

"Police weren't sure why the woman was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia." This story beats a finger in Wendy's chili any day. Thanks to Wongette for passing on the story.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Original Baby's Daddy

RIP Jerry Orbach

Shout out to VA for creative influence

Things that suck

I wouldn't consider myself to be a negative person. In fact I've recently been making an effort to stay positive. However, over the past few days I have compiled a list of things that totally suck and are horrible. I would like to share them with you.

1) Tapas:

The idea was kind of cool when they first became popular in 2002, but I am officially calling for their departure from the culinary scene. It seems that every new restaurant in DC only serves tapas. Let's be honest, tapas are a way for expensive restaurants to fool poor people like myself. Countless times I have persued a menu in a restaurant window and thought that the prices were reasonable. Then, after sitting down among a bunch of other trendy white people with "product" in their hair, I realize that the only reason the entrees were under fifteen dollars is because the servings are designed to feed a Filipino infant. Then you have to spend at least a hundred clams to get full, or leave the restaurant craving more nourishment (usually New Big Wong). I'm all about sharing food, and I am not demanding Hungry Man-sized proportions, but tapas are just plain annoying and I want them to die.

2)Bluetooth Headsets

(can you hear me now? Good, cause I'm still a massive tool)

Remember when cell phones were a status symbol? People would proudly display them on their belt clip to prove that they were technologically superior than the losers still punching in pager code. Well now that even Sri Lankan street peddlers have Motorola Razrs, people have found another device to annoyingly display, the Bluetooth headset. These things have to be the most obnoxious facial accessory ever invented. I'm all for not getting brain tumors and using cell phone headsets, but these glowing bionic ears are downright silly, and you should be sucker punched if you're wearing one. I don't blame you for wanting to look like Robocop, it was a pretty sweet movie (the second one was mediocre at best), but are you so damn important that you have to listen to world in mono because you might get a damn phone call? Most of the time bluetooth users aren't even on the phone, so I'm assuming that they enjoy glowing like a retarded Christmas tree. So please, take that ridiculous piece of machinery out of your ear, you're killing America.

3) Justin Timberlake

Dude, where have you been? It's been too long since your last album which I may add was filled with hot tracks. No, I didn't buy "Justified," I am not that gay (But I did buy it for my girlfriend at the time and immediately burn it to my computer). JT, now is your time to shine, Britney is looking like a cheap coke wench and you're dating every guy's dream girl, Mary. Please come out with some new songs, because I've already choreographed moves to your old ones, and my friends are getting tired of passing to the left and sailing to the right every Friday night.

Believe me, there are more things (and people) that suck, and I will be highlighting a some more soon. But since I want to stay positive I will list a few things that don't suck.

1) Oklahoma- because I went to a state society party, lied and said I was from Tulsa and won four Capitals tickets
2) Bananas- they taste great, portable, and plug you up
3) Starbucks bran muffins- a great tasting compliment to item #2
4) Diversity training- I got to waste a whole day at work, and get free lunch
5) New Big Wong- On 7th and H NW, it will change your life
6) Seeing former olympian Kerry Strug at the gym- she's pint sized

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Shmalentines

(Osama BL: a big V-day fan. Clearly, if you celebrate the holiday, you're letting the terrorists win)

Did anyone notice how early I broke the Cheney story? The heat seems to be on the VP not for shooting the gramps-lawyer, but for his failure to notify the public of the accident. The Cheney camp waited an entire day before officially admitting his "bad" (yes, at the ripe age of 22 my ear is still to the street). The victim of the accident was reportedly joking with nursing staff about his newfound fame and would have been laughing about the whole thing if HIS FACE WASN'T FILLED WITH BULLET SHARDS! Speaking of getting shot...I actually felt bad for Luke when that kid from Corona shot him in the arm (I'm so 2003).

An Irish newspaper ran a story with the headline, New Yorkers 'not fazed' by snow storm. I think there should be a related article titled "Washingtonians biggest pussies ever when it comes to snow." You would think it was Armageddon last weekend...I actually saw two women fighting over the last box of flaming hot Cheetos at Safeway in fear of the idea they may not have access trans fat for six hours. Then I saw a bunch of studly roughnecks wearing orange space outfits...maybe that's what did it for me.

If I have to see one more shitty jewelry ad I am going to gouge my eyes out with a soft brissled toothbrush. I think Valentine's Day is the most depressing "holiday" America has to offer (with arbor day coming in at a close second). Am I the only person who thinks you shouldn't have to feel obligated to take your special lady to the Olive Garden just because Hallmark and Zales wants your hard earned money? You need to treat your special someone to unlimited salad and breadsticks every day...not because you love them, but because it will make them fat and force them to stick with you. On that note, happy Valentine's Day.

At least she knew she couldn't carry it on

A woman was arrested in a Florida airport after screeners found a human head in her luggage. The voodoo woman stated that the purpose of the head (which still had teeth in it) was to ward off evil spirits. Maybe the head was good at warding off evil spirits, but it sure as hell wasn't good at warding off the underpaid, overworked, TSA screeners in Miami. Watch, with my luck this voodoo woman is going to read this and put a hex on I apologize in advance for speaking in tongues and threatening to shave your head (ah how I miss London).

(TSA file photo, or the result of a google image search)

Sunday, February 12, 2006

And by God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good

(How sweet would it be to get capped by the VP? Remember this man's name, because he will live in Trivial Pursuit infamy)

Vice President Dick Cheney shot his friend, Harry Whittington while hunting quails in Texas. The 78 year old Texas lawyer was airlifted to a Corpus Christi hospital where he is listed in stable condition. The owner of the ranch where the incident took place had the following amazing description of the accident:

"It broke the skin," she said of the shotgun pellets. "It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that. Fortunately, the Vice President has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been," she said. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came."

It doesn't take a genius to know that geriatrics and guns are a dangerous combination. It will be interesting to see how this story develops. I can't wait to see what the Larouche freaks are going to do with this story. They told me last week that Cheney eats babies, so I can't imagine what they will do now that he's on record for actually busting a cap in an old man's ass. If you're not familiar with the Larouche freaks, consider yourself lucky (check out the pamphlet comparing Cheney to Hitler).

Friday, February 10, 2006

Olympics = overrated

(spandex: so hot it will light your ass on fire)

The Winter Olympics haven’t been cool since Lillehammer, which was 1994. I also thought overall-shorts were pretty cool in 1994, so I guess my endorsement of the ’94 Olympics isn’t all that strong. Anyways, the Olympics are a monumental waste of time and money. But I’m okay with that. The thing that really kills me is that every jackass with a TV who watches ten minutes of an event all of the sudden appreciates the sport. Where were these people during the past 3 years and 11 months? They sure as hell weren’t supporting the US National Team at the curling World Championships in Prague.

The Olympics have a keen ability at making people think that obscure sports are cool for about a month, then the athletes disappear into oblivion. Maybe if they’re lucky they can get a Wheaties box, but who eats that garbage anyways? The other thing about the Olympics that bugs me is that every Olympic athlete has some sort of ridiculous sob story that the commentators won’t shut up about. For instance, the bobsledder whose cat died when he was twelve…he’s dedicated every one of his races to that cat and actually keeps the cat’s tail in his spandex unitard while he races. Maybe they have to have those stories to trick the public into thinking that watching someone sled down some ice is a good use of their time.

What about patriotism you might ask? Well I think it’s pretty well established that despite how our finest homosexuals fare in figure skating this year, the USA will still be the best and most powerful country in the world. I am not going to lose much sleep if some Swiss guy beats us in the slalom. So what will I be watching on the television (I have one now) this snowy weekend in DC? Season 1 of the OC on DVD. I had no idea Summer was such a skank at the beginning of the show.

37lb woman gives birth to a healthy boy

This is awesome, and it happened in Palo Alto!

Below is a digital projection of what the son will look like at age 16. Sorry, I will never get enough of this picture...I think it's the Burberry hat that does it for me.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Foiled attack or Bush smoking crack?

Yesterday the President specifically referred to a foiled terrorist plot to fly an airplane into a building in LA. Bush said four Southeast Asians who met with Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan in October 2001 were taught how to use shoe bombs to blow open a cockpit door and steer a plane into the Library Tower, the tallest building on the West Coast. The four were captured by Asian authorities before they could execute the plan, he said.

The Administration is claiming that Bush's mention of the foiled attack had nothing to do with Congressional hearings questioning the legitimacy of warrantless wiretaps, but smart people (or skeptics as they're sometimes called) know better. Further, intelligence officials have played down the significance of the failed attack. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of this bullshit. It is the government's job to prevent terrorist attacks. You don't get to take a dump on the Constitution because some Asian crackpots wanted to blow up LA. Security does not have to come at the expense of civil rights and I'm not going to give the Administration kudos for doing what they're supposed to be doing...preventing terrorist attacks. Additionally, it's not like we're not paying billions of dollars to fight terrorism so it's about damn time that they can highlight a vicotry in the war on terror.

In lighter news, Britney Spears is an idiot.

But Kevin Federline is a bigger idiot. Please go to his myspace profile and listen to his song. It's Wongette's favorite.

Does anyone else think that the surfer kid Johnny deserved to die?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Is it hard out here for a pimp? The Academy thinks so

I took a big step toward ending my prolific blogging career today. Yes, I started a new job. It remains to be seen if leaving DHS and being forced to actually be productive at work will kill Pick's Post. Maybe I will blog on my own time? I don't know, it didn't seem to work for Loosh, who hasn't posted anything since November. Not blogging on the government's dime definitely isn't as sexy.

Cindy Sheehan was booted from the SOTU last night for wearing a shirt that illustrated the number of US casualties in Iraq. Sheehan was Representative Lynn Woolsey's guest at the address, and Woolsey released this statement in defense of Sheehan. Like Woolsey, I don't understand why Sheehan was removed from the House floor last night. I mean so what if she was wearing a t-shirt? She was still exhibiting more fashion sense than Secretary of Education Margaret "I love hot pink" Spellings. (Spellings is pretty tough to spot in the photo below)

Republicans seem to be getting real tough on lobbying these days. Today they introduced legislation that would ban former Members of Congress-turned lobbyists from using the House gymnasium. This proposed legislation received criticism from Nacy Pelosi who sarcastically stated that she doesn't even know where the gym is. So wait a're telling me Pelosi's painfully tight facial skin isn't the product of tireless hours on a treadmill? I am shocked.

The nominees for the Academy Awards have been announced. Sorry if this is not breaking news. My excuse if this is old news? I like girls (sarcastic homophobia). I think I am most excited about the performance of the song titled "It's hard out here for a pimp" which was nominated for best song from the movie Hustle and Flow. I am not just excited because the word pimp is in the title, but also because the song will be performed by legendary crooners Burt Bacharach and Neil Diamond. Am I the first person to use the word "crooner" outside the context of a game of Trivial Pursuit?