Wednesday, November 30, 2005

NIB is back

Virginia governor and presidential hopeful Mark Warner granted clemency to a death row inmate. In a move that some are calling politically motivated, Warner chose to commute the death sentence because evidence that could have cleared the defendant had been destroyed by an idiot in a Virginia evidence lab. In an odd twist, former special prosecutor and world's largest tattle tale, Kenneth Starr, was one of the lawyers representing the death row inmate. Is saving a man's life enough to make me respect a man whose life's work was tracking down a presidential baby batter-stained dress? Probably not. I'm so partisan it burns when I pee.

The Roberts SCOTUS will hear a case involving parental notifications for abortions. According to the Post, "Courtroom observers will scrutinize every word uttered by Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., and no doubt every change in his facial expression in search of clues to views he declined to provide during his confirmation hearings in September." I am really excited about examining these facial expressions considering the success I had with my confirmation photo journal last September.

Bush went on the offensive this morning by delivering a speech outlining his plan for Iraq. You can find the 35 page plan here, but since I know you're a bunch of lazy bums I will outline it for you. First, we take one step backward...then we take another....then we turn our backs and run like the dickens while screaming "good luck with the civil war, they add character."

San Diego Congressman Duke Cunningham stepped down this week after pleading guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes from federal contractors. The Republican party is doing their best to distance themselves from this prodigal son and stated that Democrats in Congress were equally guilty of questionable behavior, including lobbyist-paid trips and underreporting of campaign contributions. Wait, wait, wait, Republicans control the House, Senate, and White House and our country is in the toilet. You don't get to point the finger at Democrats. That's just like the time my office mate farted and then our boss stopped by to chat with us and when the boss smelled the stench my office mate said "well Will does it too." It's just like that time...exactly like it.

TSA: Screwdrivers and Scissors okay to carry-on

The Department of Homeland Security's Transportation Security Administration is re-thinking its list of banned carry-on items. Sources within TSA say that a new plan will be proposed to allow some sharp objects like scissors and screwdrivers because hardened cockpit doors and airplane security measures no longer make these items a serious threat. TSA would instead like to focus its resources on screening passengers for explosives to prevent a suicide bomber-style attack. According the Washington Post, TSA is has in the past considered allowing items like ice picks and ninja stars on airplanes. A representative from the flight attendant industry said his constituents are upset at the proposed revisions to banned items, and stated that "When weapons are allowed back on board an aircraft, the pilots will be able to land the plane safety but the aisles will be running with blood." (Isn't this a little dramatic? I think the airline representative got worked up when the reporter called him a stewardess). I don't know about you, but I don't feel comfortable on a plane with a bloody mary-drinking ninja sharpening his stars with an ice pick.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Turkey Week News in Briefs

A Florida middle school teacher was sentenced to three years house arrest and seven years probation for doing the deed with a 14-year old student. The two realized a mutual attraction on a school trip to Sea World (I couldn't even make this crap up). When asked about the side effects of the teacher's "abuse," the student simply grinned and the male reporter who asked the question gave the student a high-five. (high-fives are making a comeback..."the pound" is on its way out)

Democratic biggest loser, John Kerry, was selected for jury duty at a Suffolk County Superior Court this week. As jury foreman, Kerry will be responsible for delivering the verdict in the case. It is predicted that Kerry will first say the defendant is guilty, but then say that he's innocent and try to explain why at first he voted for him to be innocent. He's a flip-flopper, get it? Ziiiing

Leaders in the South Pacific are starting to claim that the US would have no chance in a war against China. The article quotes an expert who said, "I believe America cannot win as it has a civic society that must adhere to the value of respecting lives." When getting word of this report insinuating America cared about human lives Dick Cheney said he had never been so insulted in his life, and then resumed torturing a detainee (he keeps some in his basement).

After being in Congress for only a few months, Ohio Representative Jean Schmidt made a name for herself by calling Democratic heavyweight and Marine Corps Veteran John Murtha a coward on the House floor. The Congresswoman claimed that she was passing on a message to Murtha from an Ohio State Rep who was also a veteran...but this article says it ain't so. Since the incident last week, Schmidt has apologized to the Congressman, blaming the fiasco on an allergic reaction from her cheap fake tanner. (Really, it's November, you're not fooling anyone)

Friday, November 18, 2005


US Rep John Murtha, known for his hawkish inclination, surprised the country yesterday when he called for the removal of American troops in Iraq. In retaliation to the statements, Vice President Cheney called Murtha a panzee and afraid of war. But then Cheney's aides informed him that Murtha is a veteran and an ex-marine, and that Cheney's daughter has a thing for chicks in flannel.

Early this morning, the House of Reps passed the controversial budget bill by two votes. The bill, which will cut spending for social programs like medicare, food stamps, and loans for poor college students, passed with 14 moderate Republican and all Democratic members in opposition. Opponents of the budget thought it was in poor taste to slash social programs for the poor and then take up legislation to continue cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans. In related news, resesarch shows that 14 House Republicans have souls.

DC police continue to search for answers to the question we've been asking for weeks, "Who Shot Cam'ron." The hip hop (star?) who has had hits like (?) and (? featuring Mary J Blige?) was shot in an attempted car-jacking while riding in his Lamborgini on a busy DC street. Mr. 'Ron has not been cooperative with investigators and has instead chosen to call the incident the best thing that could ever happen to his once non-existent career. Now armed with his newfound street cred, Cam'ron may be able to finally pay his $16,000 a month insurance premiums on his ridiculously dumb car.

AIM users have not welcomed their new buddies. The two new buddies, which automatically appreared on buddy lists this week, are designed to help chatters find movie times and shop. I know that the buddies may be a little annoying but take it from me, it's really funny to tell them that you want to touch their boobies.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Tuesday's NIB

The alleged "cell phone bandit," who has terrorized banks while chatting on her Motorola, was arrested in Virginia early this morning. The Fairfax County jailhouse has already received hundreds of love letters addressed to the bandit, however upon further investigation it seems that they were all written by the obnoxious "can you hear me now?" guy.

Recently released Reagan era documents reveal that SCOTUS nominee Samuel Alito does not believe in the right to abortion and affirmative action programs. Further, the documents revealed his belief that the government should protect traditional values. When questioned further about which values Alito considered traditional, he stated "those that keep minorities in low wage jobs and abortions where they belong (in back-alleys performed by a man named Lou)."

The nominee for the head of the Federal Reserve will appear before the Senate today. According to the Washington Post, "Bernanke's friends, colleagues and former students say the would-be Fed chairman is likely to come across in the hearing as anything but a starchy academic wedded to arcane theories and rigid economic models." Instead, he will come across as someone whose job and personality I am completely uninterested in. In other news, I will always be poor.

Israeli and Palestinian officials were able to look past Condi's gap-teeth and overall unattractiveness and brokered an agreement to open the Gaza strip to the outside world. Condi's mediating skills have been touted by the press, and racists continue to comment on how "well-spoken" she is.

Today marks the first day that elderly citizens can sign up for Medicare prescription drug benefits. The timing is perfect for Sam Watterson, who turns 65 today (not a lie) and needs some serious meds after a disappointing few months.

Monday, November 14, 2005

News in Briefs

President Bush is planning to give another "I wasn't the only one wrong about the Iraq war" speech during a pitstop in Alaska on his way to Asia this afternoon. Is spreading the blame for the Iraq quagmire really making us feel warm and fuzzy inside? At least he's doing it in Alaska, where an eskimo and some seal fat will be his only audience. I guess with Bush, the buck does the buck go if it never stops?

In keeping with America's biggest lamos visiting Asia theme, Arnold will visit China this week and showcase what California has to offer. I hold little hope for Arnold because I don't think China is interested in earthquakes, illegal immigrants, and gay marriage...ZING! (worst characterization of California, ever).

Chicken Little topped 50 Cent at the box office last weekend, proving that Americans love computer-generated kiddy movies more than films about the absolute worst way to achieve the American dream (dry-humping youself to the top).

Condoleeza Rice continues to meet with Palestinian and Isreali officials to arrange a border crossing agreement for Gaza. When asked about the progress Palestinian officials were confused and said they hadn't been able to pay attention to the first days of the talks because they were too busy staring at the depths of Condi's mouth through the enormous gap in her teeth.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

News in Briefs

Judith Miller retired from the NY Times yesterday in the wake of massive backlash from the paper for writing bum stories about Iraq's WMDs fed to her by Scooter Libby and other Administration officials. I have decided to offer her a full-time position here at Pick's Post, since I have no journalistic integrity and I am in fact a proponent of yellow journalism.

House Republicans finally agreed to scrap ANWR drilling from the budget proposal. Powerful Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska is reportedly furious about the removal of the drilling provision and asked members of the Senate why they cared about a state whose citizens eat seal fat and ruined the concept of the continental United States (really, Hawaii and Alaska ruined it all).

Bush gave Ali, Greenspan, Franklin, and Burnett, the Medal of Freedom yesterday. "Bush, who appeared almost playful, fastened the heavy medal around Muhammad Ali's neck and whispered something in the heavyweight champion's ear. Then, as if to say "bring it on," the president put up his dukes in a mock challenge. Ali, 63, who has Parkinson's disease and moves slowly, looked the president in the eye -- and, finger to head, did the "crazy" twirl for a couple of seconds." Did anyone else become extremely uncomfortable reading about this exchange? And I don't think calling a seizure the "crazy twirl" is in very good taste.

In Michigan, 18 year old Michael Sessions won a mayoral race. According to USA Today, Sessions plans to devote after-school hours to the job and use his bedroom as his office. I am pretty impressed...when I was 18, the only thing I did in my bedroom was freestyle rap about quadratic equations. For some reason Suge Knight never got back to me after I sent him my DJ Geometry demo tape...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

News in briefs

Apparently the Washington Post considers last week's news as "This Just In.." Looks like Pick's Post 11-4-05 = WaPo 11-9-05. This little situation reminds me of one of the most hilarious bumper stickers of all time which read "Windows 95 = Macintosh 89" (sorry, I'm so Silicon Valley it hurts).

50 Cent's new movie, "Get Rich or Die Tryin" opens today. According to the Motion Picture Association of America, the movie promises: simulated sex, full frontal male nudity, topless female nudity, strong language and graphic violence. You would think that after surviving 9 bullets and getting his own grape-flavored Vitamin Water that 50 Cent could swing more than an on-screen dry hump (that's what simulated sex means, right?)

In a 6-4 vote, the Kansas Board of Education ruled that students will be expected to look at both sides of the evolution debate. A promoter of intelligent design was elated and stated that this was a "huge step forward" for science. On a sidenote, the same man said that another scientific victory was Kansas' use of bloodletting as a treatment for HIV.

Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Chalabi, who lied to the US about Saddam's WMDs and is now under investigation for leaking sensitive information to Iran, will be sharing tea with Condoleeza Rice today. Senator Dick Durbin, D-Ill., called the visit "something curious," but I couldn't tell you his reasoning because I can't take anyone seriously with such a silly first name.

a good day to be a dem

(Both Seth and the Republican party proved to be last night's biggest losers)

Though off-year elections may not carry the significance of mid-term or Presidential elections, 2005 proved a much need sign of hope for the Nation's Democrats. Last night, Democrats were placed in Virginia and New Jersey's governors mansions, and Arnold's ballot initiatives were turned down by a once proposition-happy California electorate. While Republicans are attempting to brush off the election as insignificant, Democrats are clinging to the hope that the mood at the polls will carry through to 2006, when the Nation will be asked to re-elect several Senators and the entire House of Representatives.

Simmer on this food for thought from last night:

- At a time when everything he touches turns to feces (some are calling him the King Midas of poo) analysts are wondering whether President Bush's last-minute appearance to endorse Virginia gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore ended up securing victory for Democrat Tim Kaine.

- Kaine's victory reflects the high level of approval for outgoing Democratic governor Mark Warner, who may show up on your 2008 Presidential ballots (his populairty in a red state is a sign that he may be a good candidate to convince middle-America that Democrats aren't all gaybos).

- Republican gubernatorial candidate Doug Forrester's campaign ad in which he quoted John Corzine's ex-wife proved unsuccessful at swaying New Jersey's voters. Her quote said Corzine "let his family down and he'll probably let New Jersey down, too" and makes me worry that if I ever run for office my ex girlfriend may run an ad reminding the public that I dated her...zing!

- One has to wonder if Matt's strategy of gaining 12 pounds after winning the challenge and receiving immunity from the weigh-in will bite him in the ass on next week's Biggest Loser.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

News in brief, or boxers if you're worried about sperm count

Bush Declares "we do not torture" but continues to fight McCain anti-torture legislation. Anyone else confused?

Dupont Italian Kitchen loosens patron's sphyncters. I wish I wasn't the primary source for this story.

Racially motivated rioting in France causes IHOP to reconsider the whole freedom toast idea.

Karl Rove continues to struggle with Denny's removal of the "moons over my-hammy" grand-slam breakfast special. On a related note, White House staffers are forced to attend ethics briefings.

Australia proves that they're capable of more than harassing animals (Steve Erwin is Australia's only citizen). They can bring down terrorist plots too!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Tupac gets props from Congress

Tupac Shakur's gangster rap songs were filled with cryptic messages alluding to his imminent death, and his songs constantly voiced his desire to be remembered after his life. I would say that for the most part his wishes have come true. "Thug Life" posters fill dorm rooms, xxxl t-shirts are airbrushed with his likeness, I've seen a few 2pac tattoos, and even my mom can bust out a few lines of "Picture me rollin." So, just when I thought Tupac couldn't get more shout outs (oh yeah, I am hip with hip hop lingo), Georgia's Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney introduced H.R. 4210-To provide for the expeditious disclosure of records relevant to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Shakur.

(pictured: Tupac praying that the House of Representatives will recognize his hot tracks like "I get around" and "fuck the world")

Sorry folks, this isn't a joke. Yesterday, McKinney introduced a Tupac bill aimed at disclosing records of some sort. No press release is available about the nature of the bill, but I recommend that you call Cynthia McKinney's DC office and ask for more information, at (202) 226-0691. Specifically, I would ask for a staffer by the name of Seema Kareemi, a graduate of Palo Alto High School, who is most likely responsible for this amazing use of taxpayer funds. I would probably ask why, of all issues the Congresswoman could champion, she has chosen to advocate for a dead, convicted rapist. Don't get me wrong, I loved the guy's music, but if I was elected to Congress I would hope I had some better things to disclose the records relevant to the life and death of Elvis Presley and the guy who played MacGuyver (he's dead right?).

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Waterson "Crushed"

(A disappointed Waterson has fallen into a downward spiral of booze and bad Nixon impersonations)

Yesterday's announcement that Samuel Alito Jr. will replace Harriet Miers on President Bush's SCOTUS wish list took quite the toll on television actor and fake prosecutor, Sam Waterson. Waterson, who has starred in the hearts and minds of the American people as an actor on NBC's Law and Order for the past thirty years, had high hopes of getting the nod from President Bush. His hopes were a direct result of the buzz created by my last post.

Waterson's judicial philosophy has been steady over his career. His belief is that in the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories (enter fat, jazzy bassline). However, Waterson's credentials lack in comparison to those of conservative Judge Alito who has been described as the anti-Miers (is this because he's circumcised and she isn't?) Waterson was quoted stating that he was "crushed and disappointed" that he will not replace retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the highest court in the land, but that he will continue to try cases ripped from the headlines on behalf of the people of NYC.

The staff here at Pick's Post is upset as well, mostly because we placed a fifty dollar wager in Vegas that Waterson would be the nominee. But don't worry because we're hoping to recover our losses on the bet we placed on Jimmy Smits to win the 2008 Presidential election.