Frist Supports Stem Cells

In a surprise move, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced his endorsement of a bill that would loosen the restrictions on Federal funding for embryonic stem cell research. Frist said the research is "not just a matter of faith, it's a matter of science." The legislation has already passed the House of Representatives, but faces strong opposition from the Administration which has vowed to veto any expansion of funding for embryonic stem cell research.

I am going to have to commend the good doctor for breaking with the White House on this one. This is a bill that seems to have strong bi-partisan support, and the American people are behind it. However, I find Frist's newfound faith in science a bit odd. Where was it when he "didn't know" if you could contract HIV from sweat and tears, or when he diagnosed Terri Schiavo after looking at a video tape for an hour? (this article highlights his heralded medical diagnoses)

USC Kicks me in the groin, twice.

When I was seventeen and applying to colleges, I really wanted to go to the University of Southern California. There was something about that catchy fight song and that lamo on a white horse and silly helmet that had me itching to hand the school six figures for an undergraduate education. The fact that it is located in South Central LA also made it an attractive choice because I figured that if I I went there I would finally be able increase my street cred (the dew rag I wore junior year didn't do the trick). So, when I got the thin envelope from the school in Spring of 2001, I was pretty disappointed. I got over it, went to a school with a similar acronym and have grown to be the amazing man I am today.

That being said, it was a little weird to open my mail box yesterday and see another thin envelope from USC. I thought it might have been a cruel Trojan tradition; reject applicants for a second time, four years later, just to make sure that the rejects know that they weren't good enough. I opened the envelope to find that not only was I still not invited to attend their school, but that a hacker had infiltrated their website, and could have had access to my name and social security number. They apologized and recommend that I keep an eye on my credit report. I guess it's been in the news, and there is an article about it here. My question for these fucktards is why, after over four years have passed, do they have my name and social security number on their website?!! I am very pro-internets and technology and all, but this just doesn't make sense to me. I'm just dying to get notice of a class action lawsuit for the school's negligence. Then I will have the last laugh...and some major street cred, because we all know that nothing is tougher than class-act litigation.

Loser sells toilet paper love note

A California lawyer claiming to have dated Jennifer Anniston in 1984 will be auctioning his collection of Anniston-related trinkets. One of the priceless collectibles is a birthday greeting written by Anniston on a piece of toilet paper. (I can't imagine how this relationship fizzled...nothing says I love you like a birthday card written on paper used to clean your crack...I hope it was at least 2-ply). The auction, slated to have a $1000,000 reserve, will begin Friday on ebay and anyone sick enough to even think about bidding should be detained at Camp X-ray.



While it is incredibly shameful that this d-bag is trying to profit from a teenage romance, it has to be an ego boost for Anniston. The fact that he thinks he can get $100k for some pictures and notes that she wrote as a kid is a testament to her celebrity. I'll know that I have really made it the day that my ex-girlfriend can make six figures from the love note I wrote to her on a sanitary napkin...

Dell Dude Lives

Good news for those of you like myself who spent sleepless nights worrying about the fate of Benjamin Curtis, the hip gentleman who appeared in Dell Computer ads from 2000-2003. It seems that Curtis is currently starring in an Off-Broadway production entitled "Joy," and my fears of him being addicted to crack and living on the street are entirely unfounded. Curtis' relationship with Dell began to fall apart after he was caught by police in Manhattan with a small bag of cheeba (or marijuana for the laymen). If you live in New York, I suggest that you purchase tickets for the show and find a witty way of integrating the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" slogan into some sort of heckle. Perhaps something like, "Dude, you're getting a Tony."

I'm Famous

Looks like I made the Loosh Spot today, and better yet, Loosh called me his "friend." I am heartened, and so will you if you read his take on the word "consultant."



On a sidenote...

If you ever want to see how creepy and sick the internet viewing public is, I suggest that you check out Yahoo's most frequently viewed picture page. Half of the pictures are weak D-list celebrity cleavage shots, and the other half involve farm animals.

Nominee's Son Wows Country With Sweet Moves

As both sides of the aisle gear up for John G. Roberts' confirmation to the highest court in the land, I only have one opinion...his son is awesome. While Bush announced Roberts nomination at the White House on Tuesday, his son (pictured below in the seersucker suit with shorts and bowling shoes) decided to break out in dance (most likely a c-walk). How can you care about Roberts' stance on abortion when his son's dance moves make you want to raise the roof? If the quality of offspring is an indicator of a man's character, the Senate will be forced to give Roberts a big thumbs up.

A kick from a large can

If you want to learn about Bush's Supreme Court nominee, I suggest that you check out the Loosh Spot's breakdown. If you want to hear about the energy drink that changed my life, I recommend that you read on brother, read on....
I can safely say that Fuze's Diet Mega Energy Drink has made me a better and more effective person. In fact, this beverage is so life altering that us Fuzers (we started a cult, and Fuzers is our name) are beginning to question how the product was not designated as a narcotic by the FDA. This ready-to-drink stimulant will answer most of your prayers...Feeling that 3 o'clock lull in the office? Slam 16 ounces of calorie-free cranberry deliciousness down your throat and you'll be walking on air before you can say "I'll be a monkey's uncle." Did your girlfriend dump you via email and then block you from her buddy list? No worries, down a diet Fuze and you'll have your heart beating so fast that you'll forget how much it really aches. Sorry devout mormons, Fuze has caffeine, loads of it, and taurine too. Though I have no clue what taurine is, or what its effects are on the nervous system, if it's in Fuze it's sure to hit the spot! Think you're extreme? Well you'll be able to prove it when you proudly display the psychadellic oversized can that holds the power of greatness inside. When it comes to taste and effectiveness, diet Red Bull, Rockstar, and Monster have nothing on the Fuze's Mega Energy drink. The fact that you can legally experience these heightening effects, while watching the 'cals at the same time, is mindblowing. The drink will have you aching to headbutt your boss and doing windsprints in the hallways in no time. This product is not for the faint of heart, in fact, neither is this blog, so if you're reading this and you're afraid of trying the Fuze, close this window and never return. But if you're the kind of person that wants a kick in the ass delivered in tall boy can form, pick up a diet Fuze and you'll understand what us Fuzers live for.

Bush might recommend death-lover tonight

Much to the chagrin of East Coasters looking forward to watching another sensational episode of "I Want to be a Hilton," President Bush will announce his Supreme Court nomination tonight at 9pm. Who will it be you ask...Political insiders are placing their bets on Judge Edith Clement of the New Orleans Federal Appeals Court. While I know nothing about Judge Clement, a website entitled The Conservative Voice called Clement "Pro-Killing" and that just doesn't seem nice. Is it acceptable to have a person serve on the most prestigious bench in the country who would cheer at the site of a killing? I think I would prefer to have our next justice more neutral when it comes to murder and death. Plus, I bet she would overturn Roe v. Wade if you gave her a hurricane and tossed some beads at her...

(Pictured below: An example of the kind of beads that could cause Clement to sell out the Constitution)

Doping Czar Dislikes BALCO Plea Deal

The head of the World Anti-Doping Agency voiced his disapproval today of the plea bargain struck by Victor Conte, founder of the now-infamous BALCO Laboratory. The lab has been at the center of the recent steroid controversy involving high profile athletes like Barry Bonds and manly track runner Marion Jones. Conte's admission of distributing steroids to athletes will land him four months in a minimum security detention facility and he'll get to wear a stylish tracking anklet for a few years. The steroid czar reacted to the Conte's arrangement with federal prosecutors by stating "It ends up with a kind of a whimper and a very light sentence that many people think is not commensurate with the gravity of the offenses."

Am I the only one who thinks that Conte's sentence is fair? The guy wasn't peddling crack to toddlers. He gave steroids to consenting adult atheletes. The athletes are the ones who should be accountable for cheating and taking illegal substances, not this mustachioed nutritionist. Granted, Conte distributed drugs classified as narcotics, and laundered a small amount of money to cover up his dealings, but he in no way deserves San Quentin. I think the sentence is reasonable and the steroid czar should relax, mainly because his name is Dick Pound. With a name like that, does he really have room to criticize anyone?

British Report States the Obvious

Tony Blair and members of his Labour Party are upset at the release of a report by the Royal Institute for International Affairs that claimed "the UK is at particular risk because it is the closest ally of the United States." The report's findings concluded that British involvement in the war in Iraq, and the treatment of detainees at Camp X-ray in Guantanamo, Cuba has increased the likelihood of the country falling victim to a terrorist attack. In the wake up the worst attack on British soil since WWII, British politicians have attempted to deny the relevance of the study.

I don't think it takes an expert in quantitative analysis to assert that the war in Iraq has made the United States and Britain a more attractive target for terrorism. How do I have access to such classified information? Hmm...well after attacks, terrorists explain their actions, often via the internet, and cite their actions as a retaliation for the war in Iraq and the unjust detainment of Islamic prisoners in Cuba. And who is at the helm of the war in Iraq and the detainment of prisoners at Guantanamo...the U.S. and Britain (yes, I forgot about Poland and the three Australians in Iraq, but until they send a batallion larger than the size of a cub scout den, I will continue to forget about them).

There is no basis for denying the reality of the study's findings. As a result of the our actions in the Middle East, the U.S. and the U.K. are now high profile targets for terrorists. What remains to be seen and debated is if our respective law enforcement and intelligence agencies are capable of preventing these attacks on our soil and whether or not our behavior abroad will indeed benefit our domestic and international security in the long-run.

Congressman has inept webmaster

Georgian Congressman Sanford Bishop has possibly the worst Congressional homepage I have ever seen (check it out here). I think my third grader cousin could design a more appealing "Word Wide Web site." If you're really brave, click on Bishop's "Columbia Shuttle Memorial." If you are epileptic, pregnant, or get dizzy on the teacups at Disneyland, I suggest that you avoid viewing this horrible disservice to the fallen astronauts.

Congressman Bishop, you are one of 435 elite politicians elected to the House of Representatives. Please show some respect for your office and your constituents by scrapping this horrible website immediately.

Judging a movie by a bus ad

As I was on my way to work this morning, smelling the filth of 7th Street and battling a potential case of humidity-induced back sweat (or BS as I like to call it), I saw a poster for a movie on the side of a city bus. Rarely do I get upset by the mere sight of a movie advertisement, but this movie looks so bad that I think I may have thrown up in my mouth a bit after reading it's tag line: "They came to bury their mother, and her killer." The movie I am referring to is Four Brothers, starring Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese, and two unknowns not worth mentioning. The movie is directed by John Singleton of Boyz 'n the Hood and Baby Boy fame ( I highly recommend netflixing Baby Boy. Snoop Dogg plays an excellent recently released thug in the film). Since I think that going to see this movie when it opens in August would be a monumental waste of time and money, I will provide you with a synopsis. Please note, this synopsis is strictly based on the ad I saw on the bus.

Four brothers, obviously from different mothers, return to the slummy neighborhood of their youth to attend their mother's funeral. Their mom was killed by her no good landlord who happens to have ties to a small ring of organized crime in their 'hood. Mark Wahlberg's character is a reformed tough guy who now works at an Ace Hardware, and Tyrese's character makes fun of Wahlberg throughout the film for "selling out to the man." Tyrese has several scenes in the film sans shirt. In fact, both Wahlberg and Tyrese wear their shirts in a total of four scenes (hence the title Four Brothers). The other two brothers die in a breakdancing accident in the first fifteen minutes and are never mentioned again. The movie concludes when Wahlberg and Tyrese realize that vengeance is not the answer and that they should instead start a community center where other brothers from different mothers can have a safe place to play chinese checkers and nintendo.

How are the brothers both white and black you ask? Well, that issue isn't tackled in this movie, that would be racist and completely politically incorrect. But the DVD release of Four Brothers will include a deleted scene where the brothers are told by a scientist that they're not biologically related. This news breaks the heart of the brothers and Tyrese reacts by tearing off his t-shirt and running in the rain. Wahlberg reacts by reciting his monologue from the final scene of Boogie Nights (this part doesn't make much sense, that's probably why it was deleted in the first place).

Schwarzenegger getting paid big for job on the side

And it's not by doing this sort of activity (he does this for fun).

Hillary concerned about nerd violence

Senator Hillary Clinton has issued a request to the Federal Trade Commission today to investigate violent video games and children. Clinton is concerned about pornographic and violent video games like 'Grand Theft Auto' because she believes it "has so many demeaning messages about women and so encourages violent imagination and activities and it scares parents.... They're playing a game that encourages them to have sex with prostitutes and then murder them. You know, that's kind of hard to digest."

I am far from Tipper Gore when it comes to censorship, but I think Hill' is well-founded in her interest in preventing this type of game from reaching the hands of impressionable youth. Having seen the game in action a few times, I agree that the subject matter is hard to digest or defend. Some may argue that it is the responsibility of parents to monitor the activities and video game habits of their children, but let's be realistic, most parents are clueless. If it's a video game, many mouth breather parents assume that it's okay for their children. I think it makes sense to leave the fantasy gangbanging, drug dealing, murdering, and prostitution to the sadistic (and blatantly nerdy) PS2-playing adults.

Tales from the Gitmo

Findings from a military investigation detailing multiple cases of abuse at the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba were made available to members of the Senate Armed Forces Committee today. According to CNN.com, the report cites an incident when "Female interrogators inappropriately touched detainees, including rubbing perfume on one and massaging another's back." I understand why this form of abuse has not received much public attention. In fact, some American men would pay good money for this torture tactic. However, I'm not sure if America should turn a blind eye toward an incident when a "woman smeared what she described as menstrual blood -- it was fake -- on a prisoner." This tactic is just downright horrible, but what may be worse is that the abuse report "recommended no further action on the (menstral blood) allegation because it happened some time ago." I guess our government feels that a little time heals all wounds, even those caused by fake menstral blood...I wish the victim of my menstral blood-related April fools joke felt the same way (my boss still refuses to talk to me.)

Rove isn't good looking

The media frenzy surrounding Karl Rove's involvement in the identity leak of a covert CIA agent is not going to sidetrack me from the real case at hand: Where is this man's neck? Rove, nicknamed "turd blossom" by the Commander in Chief, is feeling enough political heat from Democrats and people who care about the direction of our country these days. So, I'm going to attack him from a different angle...his appearance.

But if you're interested in the story and not just making fun of this neckless goblin for his genetic deficiencies, check out CNN.com's synopsis of the ordeal, and the NYTimes' editorial.

New Study: Science is full of LIES

A recently released study that monitored the results of studies publicized in medical journals over the last decade indicated that about one third of the initial results did not hold up. So, you might want to be a little more skeptical when that new drug is "clinically-proven" to treat your symptoms (or lack of manhood).

But doesn't this study really prove that you should be skeptical of studies, therefore rendering it useless? Wow, I'm so Socratic that sometimes I blow even my own mind.

If you thought saying grace was a lot to ask...

Imagine having to apologize for your country's past aggression. That's what Japanese customers at a restaurant in old Manchuria are asked to do before they're seated for dinner.

Good thing I don't have to apologize for bagpipes and corned beef when I eat at CPK because I think I would sell out my ethnicity for their delicious Thai chicken pizza (sorry for the shameless plug, but they told me that if I mentioned their restaurant I would get 10% off).

Do you see the resemblance?

Well Hillary Clinton does. It seems that Hill' (as I like to call her, we're good pals) has made a habit of comparing W. to the hilarious MAD Magazine frontman, Alfred E. Neuman. But Republicans aren't taking Clinton's "what me worry?" remarks lightly...some are even saying that she is...oh no, it can't be: "insulting the President"!!!

Let me be the first to say shame on Hillary Clinton. I can't believe one of the Nation's most powerful Democrats would insult the Republican President and make outdated references to a character from a magazine whose readership consists of thirty something nerds and British kids (I only say British kids because I saw a British kid reading it a few months ago on the Metro, so let me apologize to British kids if they don't read the crappy magazine). We all know that Republicans were never that harsh on Hillary's husband.

Is it Time to Cash in On 9-11?

It's been almost four years since the terrorist attacks on New York and Virginia, but are we ready to see the events dramatized on the big screen? Oliver Stone seems to think so as he prepares for the filming of a 9-11 movie starring Nicholas Cage. The film will follow the lives of two of the last men rescued from the rubble at Ground Zero, and if successful, could start a trend in Hollywood.

Although Columbia Pictures has already pledged to donate "some" of the profits of the movie to 9-11 charities, I think the our wounds are too fresh for the Hollywood-ization of the harrowing events. It seems to me that the etiquette for tackling issues like this is about a decade. For instance, films about Vietnam didn't hit the theaters until the late 80s and even then it was a touchy subject. The thought of profiting on the story rubs me the wrong way...but maybe I'm just a softy. Perhaps the movie will galvanize the public and motivate young people to search the hills of Pakistan for Osama and kick some Al Qaeda butt. Either way, Nicholas Cage is one of the most overrated actors in Hollywood. Aside from his performance in Adaptation, he sucks. I don't mean to offend you Con Air fans out there, but the guy is annoying and I would rather see Jeanne Claude Van Damme play a 9-11 cop than Nicholas Cage.

A Holmesgate Must Read...

I swear this will be the last time that I mention Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise on P-P, but I think it's necessary that anyone slightly interested in the ordeal check out this article. It gave me the chills just reading it...I will never look at Maverick the same way again.

Baseball & Softball Dropped from 2012 Games

The International Olympic Committee chose to drop softball and baseball from the 2012 Olympic lineup. If this wasn't a big enough disappointment, they are debating replacing the two removed events with either golf, rugby, squash, karate, or roller sports.

I guess I couldn't have asked for better news to support my previous post, and solidify my opinion that the Olympics are overrated. Baseball and softball are the first sports eliminated from the Olympics since 1936 and they're discussing replacing them with whaaat? ROLLER SPORTS?!! What the hell is "roller sports"? Please tell me it at least involves rollerskates, and not rollerblades, because rollerblades are so 1989 (and we all know that 'skates are timeless pieces of recreational equipment). I'm thinking that "roller sports" is a game where Euros dress in neon spandex jumpsuits and chase each other through a slalom course of haystacks in an attempt to "pants" the skater in front of them.

A decent case can be made for the removal of softball from the Olympics since America has dominated the sport since it's addition in 1996. This is most likely a reflection of the genetic advantage our country has in its ability to produce women with monstrous thighs (thigh size is proportional to the skill of a softball player). But baseball is an international sport, played well by the United States, Latin America and many Asian Countries. On a brighter note, baseball will be played in Beijing in 2008, leaving us with one last opportunity to watch our country's best college players get trounced by commies.

Nobody wants to eat your finger

A Louisiana resident filed a lawsuit against Applebee's restaurant last week for serving some unexpected finger food. It seems that a small chunk of an employee's finger made it's way into her salad, hence the "finger food" joke...God I'm feeling hilarious today.

This is the third time in the past six months that severed appendages have made their way into the news. First was the crazy lady who smeared the name of Dave Thomas (may he rest in peace) by planting a finger in her Wendy's chili, and then there was some other yahoo who found a finger in his custard. This third incident makes me wonder about the hazards, and lack of emotion in the food preparation industry. I imagine that if I lost my finger while making a chicken salad for minimum wage at Applebee's, I would flip out. I would frantically run into the dining area, screaming and spewing blood on the chochkees that fill the walls. All patrons would be disgusted, the restaurant would close, my finger would be re-attached and the salad would be thrown away. But for the fingers to actually make their way into the food makes me think that the people losing their digits aren't making much of a fuss. So, please food preparers of the world, if you lose your finger in a salad or some custard (am I the only one who has no idea where you could buy something like this?) please give your manager a heads-up. As much as some people would like to sue a franchise blind for almost eating part of your body, I think it's best if the situation is avoided.

London Grabs the Games

This morning it was announced that London beat out New York, Madrid, Moscow, and Paris to host the 2012 Olympics. The announcement came as a shock to experts who thought that Paris had the most attractive bid to host the event. As Britain celebrates with tea and scones, I have a few thoughts...

First, though it may sound unpatriotic or even sacrilegious to some, I am happy that New York was not chosen to host the Olympics. This is because, like the Republican convention held in the city last year, the games would have revolved around incessant references to September 11. I could see it now...the repetitive references of the spirit of New York overcoming terrorist attacks to host the world's biggest sporting event. Don't get me wrong, New York has a lot of spirit, but I don't think I'm the only American who thinks that it is time we resist the urge to bring up 9-11 every time New York is in the news. Further, the last thing the Olympics need is additional sentimentality, because if you're an Olympic athlete, you somehow automatically have a motivational sob story. I am referring to television's obsession with portraying every athlete as having overcome extreme adversity. Like the story of the Korean high diver whose grandmother died at age 89, or the bobsled captain who stubbed his toe when he was ten but managed to rehabilitate and see his team to Olympic victory.

Second, the venue selection reminds me that the Olympics are overrated. I don't think I have sat down and watched the Olympics since I was eleven. Part of it has to do with the fact that the majority of the coverage consists of the exaggerated sob stories mentioned above, and the other part is the fact that I don't care about the obscure sports that are played at the games. Every Olympics couch potatoes pretend to care about shotputting or gymnastics but let's be honest, these sports disappear into oblivion every four years for a reason, they suck. Baseball and basketball are enjoyable to watch, but just because it's the Olympics does not mean that I all of a sudden have the urge to watch people twirl ribbons while wearing uni-tards.

The gathering of nations across the world to compete in sport is a commendable idea, but it just doesn't do it for me. I think it's sufficient to have world champions decided in events like the World Series, the Super Bowl, and WWF's Wrestlemania.

Doctors in Ohio Don't Want Kids to Have Fun

Researchers at Columbus Ohio's Children's Hospital have made the bold claim that trampolines are for "work, not play." I guess the hospital ran out of legitimate diseases and ailments to study and chose to investigate incidents of trampoline-related accidents in children. I am also confused about what kind of "work" can be performed on a trampoline. I think the study may have been aimed at carnies and circus folk. But really, why search for a cure for cancer when you can spend time and resources determining whether children are more likely to get injured on a mini trampoline or a large backyard style apparatus? The conclusion of the study was that both mini tramps, and large trampolines are to be avoided by children.

As a former owner and participant in non work related trampolining in my youth, I can support the conclusion that large trampolines are quite dangerous...But totally sweet. However, I am very confused at how a mini trampoline could be a harmful device restricted only for professionals. Maybe the Hospital's research monitored the trampoline habits of the dunces who decided that this was a worthy study.

Hey America, stop being so fat

It seems like you can't read a periodical these days without seeing a reference to how unhealthy country is. Paul Krugman's editorial, titled "Girth of a Nation," calls the obesity epidemic a red/blue state issue, and CNN.com has an article today about how obesity is preventing many volunteers from entering the armed forces.

A fun fact that I found ironic was that the national school lunch program was developed during World War II to ensure proper nutrition and health for young people who may enter the service. But now these same school lunch programs have sold out to the food industry and shove junk food down the throats of our youth, which is one of the factors contributing to the obesity epidemic that is hurting conscription. Talk about a weird backfire...

It's easy not to care about the growing number of Americans who choose to drown their sorrows in deep fried Oreos and cruise around town in their Rascals, but you should. Obesity is inflating health care costs, and it is setting a poor example for our youth. While our country's obsession with body image is extremely wrong, we need to value proper nutrition and active lifestyles to ensure the health of our future generations. If this isn't enough to motivate you to care about our citizen's well-being, just think, people abroad are laughing at our fat asses.

(P.S. how horrible would it be if you recognized your torso from one of anonymous fat person film reels they show every time there is an obesity story?)

Shields Strikes Back

After falling victim to the cyclone of insanity that is Tom Cruise, Brooke Shields struck back today by penning a NY Times editorial. Agassi's former bedmate (I guess I keep making this reference because I'm jealous) takes some good jabs at Cruise, who has criticized Shield's for taking anti-depressants for postpartum depression and suggested that she should have instead taken a multi-vitamin. Shield's piece provides interesting and valuable information about postpartum depression, and makes a coherent case for the need to treat the condition beyond a trip to GNC. Additionally, she called Cruise's comments "a disservice to mothers everywhere" but that she hopes "that it gives much-needed attention to a serious disease."

Everything Tom Cruise has done in the last month has made my brain hurt. This guy is completely off his rocker and I'm glad that Shields called him on his BS. If you haven't gotten enough dirt on him lately, I recommend that you check out the superficial's June 28th hearsay about the origins and intentions of his relationship with Katie Holmes, and his alleged romantic involvement with the blowhard from Matchbox 20.