Wish List

Well it's that time of the year folks. The time when it's no longer fashionable to wear white, and the time when the monumental occasion of my birth is celebrated. So, in honor of no longer being allowed to wear that sweet white Miami Vice-Tommy Bahama linen suit you've been rocking all summer, I have created my ultimate birthday wish-list. These are things that I asked for every year as a child, but never seemed to receive.

1) Power Wheel

I don't know many kids who didn't beg for these mini-automobiles every x-mas and b-day. They can reach speeds of up to 2.5mph, and deluxe models were equipped with novelty phones! I always wanted the Jeep, I guess because I was the outdoorsy type. Aside from the hefty price tag, I never received this present because there was a morbidly obese child who lived up the street who had one. My mother claims she was afraid that I would never leave my power wheel and become a tubster like him. I think she simply didn't love me.

What I actually got: Self-propelled Big Wheel



2) Go-Kart/Dirt Bike

Who cares that I lived in suburbia throughout my childhood and had no where to play with these vehicles? I wanted a dirtbike dammit. I was willing to compromise with what seemed to me like a far safer form of recreational transportation; a go-kart. I'm not sure what the allure was with these white trash toys, but ask most boys and they would tell you that at some point they were on their wish lists too. Despite many promises, I never received either of these potentially lethal gifts. My mom tells me that I should be thankful I never got this gift, because if I had, right now I would be sporting a mullet, eating Slim Jims and dating a girl from Kansas.

What I actually got: Huffy 5-Speed (assembled at home to avoid Toys R Us' extra $10 assembly fee)



3) Puppy


"But mom, I swear I'll walk it and clean up the poop every day!" These were lies. Let's admit it, puppies are cute for like three days and then they eat your valuables and you want to kick them.


What I actually got: Tamagochi (or if your parents were cheap, the generic Nanopet)



4) My Buddy


To this day I don’t know whether it was my lack of human friends or the catchy theme song, but I wanted one real bad. However, in retrospect the whole idea is a little creepy. “Wherever you go, he goes”? I had a hard enough time making friends as a child, the last thing I needed was a stuffed stalker following me everywhere.

What I actually got: Care Bear (lay off, they were unisex toys)


These were just a few of the gifts I never received as a child that continue to torment me at almost 22 years of age. Even though I never managed to get these sweet toys, I guess I turned out okay. I have a hit blog that even Dane Cook reads (I love you NRB) and I know some people who aren’t too ashamed to hang out with me on a regular basis.

In the spirit of my birthday, please list the toys you never got as a child in the comments section. I know I’m not the only one who wanted the Barbie dream house.

SJSU Hearts Katrina

(Pictured: Prominent San Jose politicians celebrate San Jose and its lack of hurricanes)

The Saints were far from the Superdome when hurricane Katrina swept through Louisiana yesterday. Yep, the big mean men of New Orleans were where every refuge-seeking football team should be...San Jose, California. While Creole baby marmalades were floating down city streets, the Saints were frolicking at the Tech Museum, and perhaps learned a thing or two about mummies at San Jose's world famous Egyptian Museum. And the best part of all? San Jose State made five thousand dollars in the process. According to the Associated Press, the Saints used the University's football facilities and in return bought $5,000 worth of tickets to San Jose State's season opener against Eastern Washington University. The Saints have pledged to give the tickets to needy children in the area who like to watch football in empty stadiums (nobody goes to their games).


But the people of New Orleans shouldn't be upset at the Saints for retreating to sunny California. Cornerback Jimmy Williams assured that the fans taking refuge at the Superdome were on his mind when he said,

"Where did they leave their car parked because it's probably going to be underwater because of the flood to alligators in your house."

Yes folks, this further reinforces the notion that football players lack the smarts (except for Steve Young because he's related to Brigham Young and lives in Palo Alto). Not only was Williams' statement utter nonsense, but was it really necessary to enter alligators into the mix? It's bad enough that all of these poor people's belongings are soaked, but now they have to fear man-eating animals in their houses.

For more nonsense related to 'gators, see my take on Carlito in LA

Lil Smokies: Where have you been?

(Pictured above: the delicious miniature weenies, and the hand of an unidentified married male)

Today I embark on a mission...a mission of great importance. I am determined to bring delectable "Lil Smokies" back into the mouths and palates of the American people. These cocktail weenies have fallen from the forefront of American culinary catalogue. They have been relegated to a small section of the cased meats at your local supermarket, and that is simply unacceptable. Until I attend five cocktail parties in a row where Lil Smokies are served, I will remain the unofficial ambassador and #1 Lil Smoky fan. The internet chatter about this under-appreciated food makes me hopeful that some day I will be able to bring Lil Smokies into the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere.

Here is just a taste of what is available for Smokie fans on the internets:

Courtesy of J, here is a link containing Lil Smoky recipes

"Randyman" posted a comment on rateitall.com which read: "I love them Lil' Smokies, especially with some good BBQ sauce. This makes an excellent appertizer."

Queen Motifah was excited about a new Lil Smokie recipe

And according to the menu posted online, Westmark Elementary served Lil Smokies with Mac n' Cheese last Valentine's Day.

Name the baby panda

Washington DC's National Zoo is giving the panda-loving public an opportunity to name the baby giant panda. Voters can choose from five different panda names on the zoo's website, they include:

Hua Sheng (hwah-SHUNG), means China Washington, magnificent
Sheng Hua (SHUNG-hwah), means Washington China, magnificent
Tai Shan (tie-SHON), means peaceful mountain
Long Shan (lohng-SHON), means dragon mountain
Qiang Qiang (chee-ONG chee-ONG), means strong, powerful

I was disappointed that pandaficianodas like myself are limited to choose from the five pre-determined selections, and not given the opportunity to come up with their own unique names. These are the names I would have recommended for the cub (I don't know Chinese, so I made up my own language):

Sans Libido, means pandas are lame prudes that don't procreate
Test Tube McGee, means panda is a product of artificial insemination and a genetic freak
Carl Hungus, means...well it doesn't mean anything, it's just a sweet name
Waste O' Mula, means that his parents were loaned from China for $10 million and the cub will be returned to China at the age of 2

Okay I lied, I'm not a pandaficianado. In fact, I hate the pandas because when I saw them at the zoo they had their backs turned to us. It was so rude. What's the point of spending millions on animals that don't even put on a show and then having to send them back to China? The primates in the ape house seem to have no problem entertaining, and I think they cost about three yuan. The day that pandas perform chimptastic feats like going between two buildings on an "o-line" like the orangutans, will be the day that pandas will get my endorsement. But until then, I think the prudes are over-priced and overrated.

Nice try Frenchies, but I'm not buying it

It's one thing when I smear the name of cycling god Lance Armstrong by insinuating that he used performance enhancing drugs, but it's another when the French paper L'Equipe runs a story claiming that Armstrong used steroids during his 1999 Tour de France victory. (It's different when I did it, because I never claimed to have proof, plus I'm American). L'Equipe's story claims that a urine sample taken from Armstrong in 1999 tested positive for EPO, a popular performance enhancing drug among cyclists. As disheartening as this story may seem, I think one must look at the facts of the situation before rushing to judgment.

1) The urine sample that tested positive for EPO has not been verified by the laboratory that conducted the test as Armstrong's. In fact, the lab noted that the samples were anonymous, bearing only a six-digit number to identify the rider, and could not be matched with the name of any one cyclist.

2) Standard scientific procedure for doping tests is that two samples are taken, an A sample and a B sample. This is done in order to verify the results of the testing. In Armstrong's case, there is no B sample to verify the positive test.

3) The French paper that made the doping claim has a storied history of "hatin." After his seventh Tour victory, L'Equipe ran a story that said, "Never to such an extent, probably, has the departure of a champion been welcomed with such widespread relief." (Talk about crappy journalism...how can you make a bold statement like that and then retreat by saying "probably" afterward?)

Armstrong immediately called the allegations "tabloid journalism" and a "witch-hunt," and I am forced to agree with him. I guess our smelly friends in France don't believe in innocent until proven guilty, or burden of proof. The source and facts of the story are clearly in question. The French press is obviously bitter that Lance, a proud American, dominated the crap out of their little bike ride for seven years. Plus, the lab that conducted the test won't even come out and say it was Lance's piss! But that didn't stop the Tour de France Director (a bitter Frenchman) from making the irresponsible claim that the results were "scientific fact" that Lance used the drugs in 1999 and that Lance owes the public an explanation. Sorry Pierre, but just because the claim was made in a blatantly bias periodical in no way means that it is a fact. Lance owes the public nothing until accusers come up with evidence that could at least hold up on Judge Judy.

Granted, Lance has been accused of doping in the past, but these new results in no way prove that he took performance enhancing drugs. If anything, the story proves that the French cyclist community is a bunch of whining, mayo-on-fries eating chumps. Now that this claim has been made haters are hoping to brush off Lance's achievements as products of cheating in an attempt to reassert Euro reign in the sport.

I am not saying that Lance did not cheat by using drugs, but until more substantial evidence is brought forth, I will consider him innocent and a victim of Freedom-haters. If I was Lance, I would come out of retirement, submit to every test known to man and win the race one more time. Then, I would change the race's name to the "Tour de Freedom," because I love America that damn much.

Dane: Popular but still funny

(lame cover art, but a worthy purchase nonetheless)

When people are fans of something on the ground floor, they tend to get a little weird when that something becomes popular. Case in point, I was a huge fan of O-Town, back when they did their stuff with an independent record company, but when they got signed to a major label and the pre-teens began to flock to them, I called them sellouts and burnt all of my O-Town records and paraphernalia. However, I have come to the realization that this is no way for a true fan to behave. As long as the artist stays true to their craft, and the quality of their work is still good, they deserve to become popular and should be enjoyed by others.

So, now that Dane Cook has officially hit the big time, I refuse to get mad or possessive. Yes, I was a Dane fan before many knew of his BAMF stage presence and piss your pants stand-up. I'm okay with the fact that the NY Times ran a story about him, and that his Myspace friends are way hotter than mine. I am happy that his new CD "Retaliation" has reached mega popularity, and I am even willing to ignore the incredibly cheesy cover art on the CD + DVD because it kicks so much ass (except the tense moment when he scolds an annoying audience member...I'm still recovering from the awkwardness). I just hope this his heightened fame will land him better roles than his appearance in the upcoming film "Waiting"starring Van Wilder and the kid from the First Jeepers Creepers movie. I saw the preview for the movie and it looks wretched, but I could be wrong.

NY Park Hurts Visitor's GI System

Public parks seem to be dangerous places this summer. If the alligator in LA's Machado Lake wasn't enough to scare you indoors, the NY Times reported today that a public water playground at Seneca Lake State Park has made nearly a thousand New York residents sick. Oddly enough, the sickness was not a reaction to pre-teens in their ill-fitting bathing suits (such an awkward stage), but from a water supply tainted with a bacteria called cryptosporidiosis, or "crypto" for bacteria buffs. The 'Times said the bacteria is known to be one of the most frequent causes of traveler's diarrhea. So I guess the food at Tono Sushi, located in DC's Woodley Park neighborhood, isn't the only thing that will make your bum explode...water parks can do it too!

Blogger lies to his vast reading public

Upon further research, I found this alternate article about the LA gator (full article found below). It seems that the crew was hired from an Alligator farm in Colorado, thus debunking my LA gator-catcher theory. However, I still stand by my assumption that the gator wrangler pays for things solely in Marlboro points, and that his mom lives in a trailer and invested in beanie babies. I felt that since I have a reputation to uphold that it was only appropriate for me to admit my fact checking shortfall. I can only hope that I haven't lost your trust forever, and I plan on slowly winning you back with photos of my family with our beanie baby collection, like this one.

Carlito Wreaks Havoc in LA

Machado Lake in Los Angeles has been plagued with an unwanted inhabitant for weeks, an Alligator named "Carlito," or if you're anglo, "Harbor Park Harry." The city wrestled with the gator unsucessfully for weeks, and was forced to bring in gator specialist Jay Young. Young, who charges $800- a day for his gator removal services was unable to wrangle the gator for two days in a row. Yesterday he had to leave the scene sans gator at 10am because he had a "previous committment." City officials said that once the gator is captured it would be held in the zoo for 90 days (as punishment?)


This story upsets me not because there is a alligator in Los Angeles, but because there is an "aligator specialist" in LA who charges $800- a day! Of course the guy isn't going to catch the animal in first day, he needs to milk this opportunity for all it's worth. Chances are he won't get another gator removal call for the next ten years. In fact, I would bet that he was the person who put the deadly flesh-eating animal in the lake in the first place. The "previous committment' that Young had to attend to was most likely a trip to his mother's trailer to tell her that the LA gator business was not a waste of hard-earned Marlboro points (gator wrangler's only form of currency) like she had repreatedly told him, and that his investment in a gator-catching boat was better than her investment in beanie babies in 1998.

Roberts Says no to Michael Jackson

Many questions have been posed since President Bush nominated John G. Roberts to the Supreme Court last month. Can his son cut a mean rug? (I think we all know the answer to this one.) Where does he stand on abortion rights? Why did he omit information about his lobbying activities? While some of these questions may never receive adequate responses, the Washington Post has uncovered the answer to one of the most important questions that should be asked of Judge Roberts...How do you feel about the King of Pop? For those of you too lazy to click on the link to read the full article, I will give you the breakdown. While working for Ronald Reagan, Roberts wrote memos which recommended that the White House refrain from offically thanking MJ for charitable activities, despite requests from the pop star's PR camp. In fact, his sarcastic memo even cited Bruce Springsteen, which is pretty awesome if you appreciate the Boss like I do (and you should.) I think this newly uncovered document sheds some positive light on the nominee. Even twenty years before the crotch grabbing, jesus juice-serving pop star encountered his legal troubles, Roberts knew Reagan was better off not giving the perv an endorsement. My new question posed for the American public is, how can you care about where Roberts stands on Roe v. Wade after we know that he shot down Captain Eo?

Governor Amstrong?

(Pictured below: Lance Armstrong tramples a helpless Euro in pink spandex)

After winning a record seven straight Tour de France victories, the man in the yellow jersey and trendy bracelet has declared his retirement. So what will this real American hero do with his newly acquired free time? It seems that after dropping a few hints, there is some speculation that Armstrong might run for Texas governor. Here are several reasons why I believe this is a grand idea:

1) Arnold has proven that steroid use does not hurt a gubernatorial bid
2) Armstrong left his wife for a hot rock star (Sheryl Crow)- if this doesn't reek of a politician, I'm not sure what does.
3) He looks good in spandex
4) Lance hasn't voted in at least seven years- who better to lead a state than someone who doesn't actively participate in politics.
5) He has no affiliation with a political party- see #4
6) His cheesy campaign slogan could be something cycle-oriented like, "Lance in 2010, it's time to change gears." Or his slogans could employ references to my favorite and most deadly toy, Stretch Armstrong.
7) Bicycling is very Euro- and I always wanted black denim shorts to make a comeback here in the states.

Listen Lance, since I know you're an avid reader of my blog, I feel I should give you some advice. Arnold's failings in California is proof that just because your calves have more definition than a dictionary does not mean that you have any business in politics. Texas is probably better off if you stick to profitting from your cancer survival.

The Aristocrats: will the joke get old?

With the President chopping wood in Crawford, and Congress out of session, it seems like there is little to blog about today (that sounded so lame). But while perusing the internets, I came across a few articles on the new movie, The Aristocrats. Sorry Disney fans, this is not a movie about our beloved Aristocats. Instead, it's a 90 minute film about different comedians giving their take on an old Vaudeville joke.

Unfamiliar with "The Aristocrats" joke, I decided to some research on it. The aim of the joke is to use the scenario of a family visiting a talent agent as a tool to be as crude and disgusting as possible. The joke ends in the unfunny punchline, "The Aristocrats." The film will have big time celebrities telling their own version of the classic joke, but I am not sure how funny it will be. The Wickipedia example involves a lot of fart and excrement humor, and we all know that nothing is funnier than that...I suggest you check out some examples of the joke on the internet, and let me know what you think (note: the joke is not for the faint of heart, i.e. squares). Regardless, I'm going to see the movie because I'd never miss the opportunity to hear Danny Tanner make references to beastiality.

Brits insecure about bulge

A British group titled "Magic Numbers," refused to play on a BBC television show after the presenter introduced them by saying "What do you get when you put two brothers and sisters in a band? A big fat melting pot of talent." A freudian slip, or completely inane reference? You be the judge.

My bet is that these dirty hippies overreacted, and need to relax...well that, and take a shower...oh, and get haircuts too (I would recommend a bowl cut for the chick in the front, that 'do isn't doesn't doing her justice.)

Yankees fan shows poor judgment

Last night at Yankee stadium, 18 year old Scott Harper decided to jump from the upper deck on to a net behind home plate. The forty-foot fall left Harper a bit woozy, but he proceeded to climb up the net back to the upper deck where police were awaiting his arrival. Friends told police that Harper wanted to test whether the net would hold his weight.

Aside from causing a four minute game delay, Harper's actions demonstrated some of the worst decision making imaginable, and his parents should be more ashamed of their son than if he had appreciated the sensational sitcom Baywatch for its plot. The kid doubted whether or not the net would hold his brainless body before he jumped, and then jumped anyways to test his hypothesis...Hats off to you Scott Harper, your dedication to the scientific method is astonishing.

Korean man dies nerdy death

A South Korean man identified only as Lee died today after playing fifty straight hours of video games. The 28 year old man died of exhaustion most likely a result of his bender at an internet cafe in Taegu. A man of true dedication, Lee recently quit his job so that he could devote more of his time to play online battle-simulation games. Let this be a lesson to those of you who think it's safe to camp out at an internet cafe for fifty hours and play video games...because it's obviously not.. I refuse to let Lee die in vain, and will now restrict my Snood benders to thirty hours. For those of you unfamiliar with Snood, consider yourself lucky.

Snoop officially loses street cred

This Saturday Calvin Broadus, also known as Snoop Dogg, will appear in a Chrysler commercial with former Chrysler CEO Lee Iacocca. Snoop will peddle the car manufacturer's new employee discount while riding alongside the geriatric Iacocca in a golf cart with spinning chrome wheels. Chrysler adds to the monumental list of products Mr. Snoop has chosen to endorse.

Am I the only one who thinks it's a little hard to remain "gangsta" while hawking satellite radios, burgers, cell phones, and video games? I remember the good old days of the Gin and Juice video when Snoop kinda scared me. Something about the blurred pot leaf hat, his stoic face, and all of those forty ounces in the fridge would make me think twice about approaching the man on the street. But now even my mom knows that he spells his name "D-O double G" and when I asked my grandpa if he liked the sweater I gave him for Christmas, he said "fo-shizzle." I still wouldn't approach Snoop on the street, but not because I'd be afraid of getting capped in the knee. I wouldn't want to talk to him because I would have to listen to him tell me that P.T. Cruisers are the best "carizzles" and that my cell phone provider is "whackizzle." This guy's blog blames Snoop's inability to turn down an endorsement deal on his agent. Either way, if you run out and buy a crappy Chrysler because Snoop endorses them, you will not be a thug, you will be is a P.T. Loser. (that one will never get old)

Jurors Plan to Profit on Pedophilia

Two jurors from the Michael Jackson child molestation case will appear on television tonight to discuss how they regret their decision to let the totally pervy pop star moonwalk out of the Santa Barbara courthouse a free man. This 79 year old woman (pictured left, laughing her way to the bank) said that her fellow jurors "ought to be ashamed. They're the ones that let a pedophile go."

As obvious from the photograph this grandma is insane and must suffer from dementia. Umm excuse me oldie olson, but weren't you one of the people who should be ashamed? You let the guy go too, and now you're planning on profiting from it. And we all know that you're not going to write a word of the book on your own, you'll have a ghostwriter do it, most likely R.L Stine (that guy who wrote those horrible Goosebumps books) and it will definitely suck, because you and the other imbecile who is going to be on TV are self-promoting dregs, plus R.L. Stine's ending, where MJ ends up being a ghoul, is totally inappropriate. It's too late for regrets, you and the ten other idiots blew it and let this pervert free so stop showing up on TV and go back to the hole you came from.

White Trash Justice

Follow around Britney all day and you'll get capped in the leg with a BB gun.

Remember when Britney Spears was hot? Yea, me neither.

Florida Woman should be Grounded

A Florida woman attempted to open the cabin door of a United Airlines flight yesterday. The plane was cruising at 4,000 feet when she got out of her seat and tried to open the pressurized door. If opened, the plane would have plummeted to a bloody, horrible death over Seattle (we've all seen in the movies what happens when those doors are opened). The woman was persuaded by a flight attendant to return to her seat, and she was arrested upon arrival for "malicious mischief."

I'm not sure where to start with this story. Hearing of this news is particularly disturbing for a person like me who plays out potential crash scenarios in my head while flying...An idiot opening the cabin door is one of these scenarios. If I was on the plane, I would want an Air Marshall to shoot her on site, or at least tackle her to the ground and give her a backhand or two. But instead, the flight attendant "persuaded" the woman verbally. This is unacceptable...Unless this dunce was some sort of beast (like the basketball player pictured right) she should have been manhandled. Additionally, what she did was not "mischievous" it was downright awful and should be considered attempted murder. I don't care what kind of pills this lady was on, we're living in a post-September 11 world people! (this rationale works for everything). I can only hope that this individual is never let back on an airplane, or even allowed to drive a car with other people in it ever again. In fact, if I was the judge on this case I would sentence her to be tethered to her living room and forced to watch Montel for the rest of her life.

Bush Breaks Vacation Record

While many of us "sellouts to the man" will spend August slaving away at our cubicles and respective places of business, the President has chosen to do something quite different; he's taking the whole month off. Yes, the President will spend August at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, mountain biking, wearing ten gallon hats, falling off of Segways, and molesting collies (pictured left).

With three and a half years remaining in office, Bush's August retreat breaks Reagan's record for number of days a President has spent on vacation. According to CBS Radio, President Bush has spent 20 percent of his time on vacation. In defense of his holiday (as the Brits like to call it) Bush said that "I'll be doing a lot of work [in Crawford]. On the other hand, I'll also be kind of making sure my Texas roots run deep." While I have no clue what this mouth-breather comment means, it seems that he'll have plenty of time to do it. But Americans shouldn't panic, I'm sure they will give him a pager or something in case of a national emergency.

NIH Employee Makes Anthrax Threat

A Maryland woman was arrested Monday for making an anthrax threat to a Florida tax assessor after she lost a tax relief claim. During the threat, the brilliant woman identified herself as a NIH (National Institute of Health) employee and said "You guys now have anthrax spores once again, so do be careful."

I take serious issue with this woman's behavior not only because it wasted thousands of dollars in government money to pay for a hazardous materials team to search the Florida assessor's office for anthrax, but also because the tone of the threat is all wrong. What kind of psychopath hopes that their victims will be careful? Her phone call should have ended with a "muhahah" or a cackle of some sort, not well-wishing. Further, how could she honestly think that she would get away with this? Word to the wise, don't identify yourself and your employer before making threats. The fact that she didn't think of the repercussions of her threat is a testament to the intelligent and dedicated individuals we employ in the Federal government. I wouldn't be surprised if next week someone at the Department of Agriculture threatened a bill collector with mad cow disease.

(pictured: Anthrax the band, who are entirely un-related to this story, but continue to rock)

Fergie gets it started...in her pants

I thought the addition of a so-called sex symbol to the Black Eyed Peas soiled the group's reputation...but it seems that the real question is did she soil herself?

Another reason to never trust a man with a mustache, and believe a man with feminine sunglasses.

Atkins goes broke

The Atkins company has reportedly filed chapter eleven as a result of a decrease in the diet's popularity. The Atkins craze made "low-carb" a household phrase, and also made people fat and more unhealthy. Well, it made people lose weight at first, but then two weeks later when dieters would eat a piece of bread, they would get fatter than they were before. In fact, the diet's innovator Dr. Robert Atkins suffered hypertension, congestive heart failure, myorcardial infarcation, and weighed in at a whopping 258 lbs (he was 6' tall) when he died. Don't believe me low-carb aficionados? You can check out the medical examiner's report on Atkins here.

The Atkins company's plummet in earnings signals a positive development in the diet arena. It means that people are beginning to realize that it may not be healthy to eat sausage with a side of bacon for breakfast, and that fruits and vegetables are not the poison foods that Atkins purported. But Atkins wasn't all bad. The extreme diet spurred the country's curiosity and interest in weight loss and nutrition, and hopefully people have moved on to more healthy forms of nutrition...Like the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle crap your brains out diet.